The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks Debbie for your service. I think prior to program I felt the need to be "heard" if I felt I had been wronged. That hurried response to defend myself often led to an interaction of anger. After all, why didn't they see my side??? I've adopted an attitude similar to the golden rule: treat others as I want to be treated. That works very well for me. And I also add a side measure of: pause, think, and pray (Bless them, change me). I no longer have the urgent need to respond right away. Often in delaying a response, I never respond at all. If I do respond, it is well -planned with respect given to all, including myself!
Thanks DM for the reading and to you and Lyne for your shares. Thanks to Al-anon I can identify my feelings and apply the principles of the program to separate out a wrong from a perceived wrong. This can be applied to not only others but myself as well. I can Listen and Learn s to complaints from others about something I have done or said and give it consideration. With honesty and willingness, I can take the next right action concerning my recovery. For me, this means separating the messenger from the message and deciding if something needs changing in my way of communicating or acting.
When it come to reacting vs responding, at times the words or action of another person may not feel right. It may feel safer to physically separate myself if even for a time. Detaching from that individual buys times to choose how I want to take care of myself around the person or a response to that individual if something remains unresolved.
I have certainly found myself at times on the receiving end of seemingly pre planned dramatic, gotcha communication. Even today after many years in recovery I don't second guess what my gut tells me. I take such feelings as a nudge from hp to remove myself from seemingly toxic situations and people as an action of self care. I may need to do this because something is triggering me to react verbally in a manner that would unkind or defensive. Perhaps there is a physical effect such as a feeling of anxiety.
As someone who once felt unheard, confronting others in the moment with a direct response can feel good, appropriate. But done all of time, doesn't indicate Al-anon progress. It's always about understanding what I need in the moment and attending to that need with loving self support.
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Friday 23rd of September 2022 10:05:24 AM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks Debbie, and everyone for your responses. I have a long history of causing myself grief by needing to have the last word and just as TT says, this has made it very easy for me to be set up in "gotcha" exchanges. I truly think if I could count the number of times I have allowed myself to react to taunting to then be labelled a "psycho" it would number in the high hundreds. But I can equally admit that when I first discovered the idea of taking my time and responding (or not) instead of reacting, I was quite taken with the power that came with not reacting to people who were trying to get a rise out of me. A form of weaponised detachment, perhaps. I find it a lot easier these days to stay silent and allow both myself and the other person to consider carefully before continuing, and while they may not notice a difference, I don't often feel that "haha gotcha" myself when I don't react now, which is certainly healthier for me.
-- Edited by Youknowme on Sunday 25th of September 2022 04:40:13 AM
