The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This writer ponders the two ways of looking at the decision to stay with an A: 1) One can say, I just won't put up with it, or 2) We can correct our faults, keep our mouth closed, and keep hands off of other's problems. Alcoholism is only one of the disasters that can affect a marriage. It is suggested that we do our best to correct our own problems.
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I recognize that it is an individual decision to stay or leave an A. I must be honest and say that in the 30 yrs I have been with my A, l struggled with this decision hundreds of times. Betty was an inspiration to me, no doubt about it. She lost her husband to alcohol and her son to drugs. My second sponsor also gave me food for thought: she said she wouldn't leave her husband if he had any other serious disease, so how is this different? It is only during the last few years that I have come to terms with making a choice to stay, for better or for worse. I don't try to convince others to stay, and for those who leave, I can completely understand. And there are of course complicating factors like having young children, or being exposed to abuse or violence. This reading grabbed my attention though--there are two sides to every coin.
I struggle a bit with the concept; as you say, violence complicates things a lot. And honestly the belief that he was unwell and needed me was just dangerous for me. But I also need to remember when dealing with my brother that he can't help being ill, and I know he'd never choose his life if he could not suffer from addiction. I catch myself telling my parents to kick him out and it's not the right thing to tell them (it isn't my place to tell them what to do at all but I get frustrated by the complaints and drama). It's just so hard on everyone, ugh
