I’M TERRIFIED - Al-Anon Family Group

angelnomore · Member

I’M TERRIFIED

Maria123 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((((((Angel)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) <---------hugs,

Welcome to Miracles in Progress (MIP). I am so sorry this is happening to you. When your heart is breaking, it hurts. There's just no getting around that. Here's what you can do.

call 1-888-4AL-ANON - find out where there's a meeting in your area and get to it. Explain that you are a newcomer.

We, in Alanon, understand perhaps as few others ever can. we too were lonely and frustrated, but in Al-Anon we discover that no situation is really hopeless, and that it is possible for us to find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.

We urge you to try our program. It has helped many of us find solutions that lead to serenity. So much depends on our own attitudes, and as we learn to place the problem in its true perspective, we find it loses its power to dominate our thoughts and our lives

The family situation is bound to improve as we apply the Al-Anon ideas. Without such spiritual help, living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us. Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it. (from our preamble)

When I felt like you did, I went to a meeting every day. I wasn't exactly in the right frame of mind but I kept going. If nothing else, it gave me something to do to get out of my own house and my own mind.

Someone shared this same answer with me too and it was the answer I wanted to hear. I wanted to know what the "quick fix" was to correct the "alcoholics" in my life.

In addition, we have a chat room which is an invaluable resources: www.mipchat.net ~ say yes to the authenticity question otherwise the server won't let you into the room. We have newcomers every day. They keep coming and growing themselves and before long, they begin to laugh with us. That's why we call our room Miracles In Progress.

Welcome to MIP ~ I hope you keep coming.

Maria123

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

((Angelnomore)))

I am sorry you are hurting. I went thru this many times this past year with my husband who is an A. He is the love of my life, and he has been also attending AA, due to court orders. It's up and down all the time.

The only thing that helped me was coming here, getting to meetings, coming here to meetings, reading the board, talking in the chatroom. I was suicidal when I first came, in fact I could have written your post. I was devastated, hopeless, in so much pain I could not breathe, and could not stop crying. I spent many hours in the chatroom. It helped to feel the love and safety they provide. They loved me when I could not love myself. I was so caught up in my husband's disease. I just wanted to die.

You will find hope and serenity here. You will learn a new way to live. There are miracles in progress here, and I know, I am one of them. That I am alive is a miracle.

Hope you feel better soon, sweetie. Please come by the chatroom, and just hollar out "I need help!" and someone will help you. You may also email me or send me a private message.

Hang in there Angelnomore. And please, please come back. And what Maria 123 said is so very true. Get to a meeting if possible.

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

aunitedway · ~*Service Worker*~

You have come to the right place! The tools here of the program of Alanon can help you deal with the feelings and the mixed emotions of being affected by someone you love that has or has had a drinking problem. I pray you will continue to reach out to Alanon because here the wonderful people love you and understand as no one else can. If I can help you locate meetings, get some literature... be the "someone" for you to just listen and help you find the right kind of reading materials to help you move and look forward. please private message me and I will do what I can... to get you started. The loving people at the meeting locations can do this also. There is HOPE!! (((((ANM)))))

((BiGHUg))) Its going to be allright. Breathing and meditation helps me.....I'm positive can help you too to releave some of the stress and thoughts your having. You are special person and a loving human being., You also deserve to be happy and feel the peace within that is there with the help of your Higher Power (HP/God). Teaching yourself that its ok to LET GO AND LET HP/GOD take care of you and those things that are not yours to take on can happen with the help of Alanon and the wonderful people here to help support you with their own personal Experience, Strength & Hope (es&h.) I'm SO Glad Your Here!

These message boards have lots of subject matter that is excellent reading too. Please try not to be so hard on yourself...You here AND thats a wonderful step forward. ((((angelnomore)))<<hugs.

KeepLooking uP! With Alanon in your "toolkit" .... lol You can DO IT

kismetstrand · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome (((((Angelnomore))))) - I too can feel your pain and wanted to share with you that there is HOPE to be offered here in Al-Anon. I walked into these rooms on the verge of a divorce feeling numb, heartbroken, hopeless, not knowing what to do, only knowing that I did not want my relationship to end - I just wanted the emotional pain to end, I wanted things to get better but couldn't see how they could. I did not understand what being an alcoholic meant, I thought if I just loved him enough he could quit. I felt alone, I cried more often than not.

Here in Al-Anon I learned what alcoholism is. How it affects all of us, not just them. Members told me to keep coming back, to listen and learn, to read the literature, to find a sponsor and work the steps for myself, to focus on ME and not him. How did that help?

It showed me my part in the relationship. How it affected me, how the way I acted (or reacted) affected him. I understand the "emotional stuff" you talked about that he said he couldn't handle. My husband was and still is unable to handle much of that. Of course mine is still active, he binge drinks (meaning he doesn't drink every day - there can be weeks of dry periods). Mine also had 7 years in AA during his last marriage, before I ever met him. (There is a reason I bring that part up which you'll see.) One day during a "dry period" I let loose on him my emotions and feelings...He put his hand up, interrupting me and quietly said "I can't process all of this at once. I'm sorry, can you stop?" I had enough Al-Anon by then to understand what he meant, and I did stop, and I came here to share with others who understand what I feel and was going thru. Sharing with other members here helps me, it is an outlet where I can talk and be understood, where I can listen to others who also go thru much of the same pain and feelings, and also hear from some how they worked thru all that and are living happily now, some with their partner, some without.

My husband, having had that time in AA, understands what I call "program talk". I learned to communicate with him in "program talk". This helped our relationship immensely. I learned to allow him to do what he needs to do, and to focus on "fixing" just me, because I surely had and still have many issues of my own to work on. Old behaviors, old ways of communicating, that were not the healthiest ways of doing things. I give him his space to do what he needs, and I take that time to work on me.

That feeling of being alone, yes there are moments when I still feel that, but all I have to do now when I do feel that way, is to come in here (or go to a meeting in town), and then I am not alone anymore, I am surrounded by friends who care and share, who understand.

Because I am sharing here with others who have "been there" and can offer their own experiences of how they worked thru it, what they did to change, I too am able to see what I needed to change in myself, and I respond differently now to my husband, I am calmer, I am a friend who accepts him and doesn't demand what he isn't capable of giving right now, and our relationship has improved so much.

It is hard work, but its been worth it. I like the person I am now much more than what I was. I am also better prepared for what to expect should my husband go back to AA, the time he will need to focus just on himself. And while he is doing that, I will continue to spend my time with my Al-Anon family so that I will not feel left out and alone. We had an AA/Al-Anon conference here last year - he came with me to that. Yesterday he asked me if I planned on going to this year's conference. I said yes. He then said, you better book a cabin now then because I don't want to drive back and forth every day.

There is a phrase here: "Changed attitudes aid recovery." They certainly have aided my own recovery from how being around this disease affected me... and I see my change in attitude aiding him also, getting him to think about his own recovery.

Keep coming back (((((angelnomore))))) - we care, we understand, we love you.

Luv, Kis

angeleyes8462 · Veteran Member

((((((((angelnomore))))))))) sending you some ES&H,

I used to feel the same as you. But I am finding the 3 c's didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it of Alanon very comforting to me I am learning alot about myself. I am growing stronger everyday for me. Just give alanon a chance you won't be disappointed. I recomend the f2f's. I went to one last past week and liked it. I am going to continue to go. Plus when I can't make the f2f meetings I do like online ones as a means of back up support. I wish you well in your recovery.

I hope you find your serenity and peace.

Best wishes,

Angeleyes

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Angel (why no more?)

I am glad you came here and shared with the family because the responses from the other members remind me of the compassion, concern and caring (3 recovery c's) that amount to the love that the family has for each other. There is alot of experience and suggestions given here and these are what saved my live. Take all of them and some more. Get to face to face meetings and get as much literature as you can. Read it all..."So you love an alcoholic," "Alcoholism, a Merry-go-round named denial" and so much more. Read it take the time to consider it all and do it while sitting in the warm, comfortable, secure hands of a Higher Power greater than yourself and of your own understanding.

You are supposed to be terrified. It is normal for your situation. You may also be feeling crazy. This is also normal for your situation. So where you are right now and what you are feeling is normal in the disease. This will all pass when you continue to come here, take suggestions and practice, practice, practice what is so freely given.

Mahalo (Thanks) to all the loving, caring, experienced sharing from the members who came to your distress. This is what saved my life and I am sure "if you keep and open mind..." and continue to come back..."you will find help".

(((((hugs)))))

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

When both people in a relationship are in a 12 step program the chances of them making it are a lot stronger.

I relate to where you are. I believe the best thing we can do is begin our path in alanon.

Many people who are in AA need space to get well. Allowing that to happen is the best thing we can do.

I believe in the one day at a time. I see you hurting so much. I hate, hate knowing how you feel. the hurting stomach, crying all the time, nothing makes ya feel better.

book: "Getting Them Sober." It is very good.

Keep it simple. Drink water, eat simple and well. rest rest and more rest.

Your being emotional is not the problem AT ALL. He is a very sick man doing his best to get well. I see it more as him only having the energy right now to take care of himself.

Your taking care of you, would be the BEST thing you can do for HIM.

We have self talk. Instead of, "I can't." I say, "I can do this." "everything is ok"

There is no reason not to tell ourselfs positive self talk. We have the innate ability to change how we react to things. It takes time, but if i don't want to feel a certain way. I don't. I start by pretending, then it turns into reminding myself then all of a sudden it comes natural to be able to handle things.

Just saying the words hysterical, angry, scared etc make me feel that way. So I changed my words to calm, ok, relaxed, take deep breaths, drop my elbows think hp.

I hope you cont. to come here. It will help. The chat room can be a great help also.

love,debilyn

jennneeefffurrr · Senior Member

I could absolutely feel your pain reading the words in your post.

I am currently on a roller coaster with my A boyfriend.

I cannot tell you anything that will comfort you immediately, however, God will never abandon you, turn your burden over to God and really give up the entirety of it, it helps. Sometimes we dont like the solution that God gives us. The thing to try to hold on to is that God will only allow us to have the blessings and burdens that He knows we need.

I have been living in misery half of the time I have been with my A and I sometimes wonder WHY do I put up with it? I am attractive, intelligent, friendly, likeable.....I am in Love with an A, and that is the path that I am walking today.

I wish some days I could wake up and forget he ever existed, but at the same time I cannot bear the thought of existing one minute on this Earth without him in my life.

Go to AlAnon and stay in touch with this group...helps.

God bless you and your A

Jen

angelnomore · Member

Thank you everyone for the replies! I appreciate everyone of them.

Reality is setting in and I continue with my hysteria, funny this doesn’t feel normal but I will take everyone’s word that it is. I have been thinking that it’s probably not a good idea to talk with him on the phone since I’m incapable of not losing it while on the phone and making him upset. I’m trying to make my way through all of this and this is probably the kindest thing I can do for both of us. Any thoughts, I know this won’t be easy but for now I just want to disappear from any contact with him. Thank you Angelnomore

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.