the rehab that my a is in called this afternoon. in part because they won't be keeping him very long and were wondering about a discharge plan. i actually was caught so off guard that i think all i said was that the kids will be happy to know he is ok and we love him and care. she was telling me he was there as if i was some worried sick wife. and i'm not. she kept saying he's safe. and it's not that i don't care it's just i have't given it much thought. when i have thought about him i have immediatly prayed to turn him over and let it go. then he called a bit later. the first thing he said was he wan't even supposed to be on the phone - he's not allowed. i said way to follow the rules! then he said he wanted to come home. he doesn't even know where we live now. he's never asked. i said no. he said he wants me to pick him up on tuesday. i said no. he begged and cried. and i said no in the nicest kindest way i could. i didn't get upset or yell or even get snotty. i just said no. it was so hard to be honest and stand up for me and what i want. it was hard not to just give in and believe that he needs me. he doesn't. i felt bad for him. and then i asked him if he wanted to talk to the kids. he did very briefly. he is so sick. i was suprised that he would even expect me to say yes. i have changed so much in these past 3 years. in my mind it is over now. it has been for me for at least the last 3 months that he's been out there.i was surprised that after what he has done he had the nerve to ask me at all. i know it is a disease. and why would he expect me to do things differently this time when every other time i did the rescuing and the care taking. he must have been suprised too. when i hung up i started to get mad. he called and not once did he ask about me, my father, our daughter who has the most god awful rash from strep. nothing. it was all about him. but the anger subsided and reality is he is sick and i don't want to be with a person who is that sick. i can't be anymore i have changed too much. my disease is powerful too. i started thinking about where he will go. back to his mother's and all the sickness and drugs that are there. he doesn't stand a chance. and are the kids supposed to visist him there when she hasn't had any contact with my kids for 3 years? and....and....and.... none of that is happening today! today i went to my dad's i went to my meeting and i came here.tomarrow is another day i have no idea what it holds but i'm going to believe it is more love and more strength and happiness. thank god for this program and all of you very wise people.  love and peace to all.....