Al-Anon Family Group

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Post Info TOPIC: Am I helping or hurting?


Newbie

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Posts: 1
Date:
Am I helping or hurting?


Hello everyone. First time posting here but I am needing help. My father is in his mid 60s and has been in my mind a mild alcoholic for a while. He had prostate cancer 2 years ago and also had a hip replaced 3 weeks ago. He is currently at the beginning of a pretty nasty divorce and it's not looking like it will be a smooth one. He had a restraining order put on his home so I had him come live with me and my family of 4 ( my wife 2 girls under 4 years old and myself.) Last night he told me he had a secret that he hasn't told anyone else ever. I kind of blew it off just thinking he had too much to drink. Then he told me he had been doing cocaine for over 15 years and couldn't stop. Blames that and alcohol on his failed marriage it was like a bomb had been dropped on me. I never suspected it. Told me that he needs it even to start his day and was ashamed because he had been using in the room in our house. I went home and broke down to my wife. I've been so worried about him and finally felt like he was moving in the right direction but then this. He had talked about killing himself and also at one point his ex. He has no access to anything to do this with but it was horrible to hear. I talked to him later and said we need to get you into rehab now. Took the day off today and when he came downstairs it was business as usual except he insisted I not tell my sister. I told him I took the day off to try and check some places out to go to rehab and he brushed me off. I went back upstairs and was so shocked I told my wife exactly what happened then went to work. Throughout the day she finally told me that he can't stay at the house if he doesn't want to try and get help. I tried to argue back but I feel like for the safety of my children she was right. I told him today that tomorrow we can go to find a rehab or he couldn't stay here anymore. He was MAD MAD. I feel like I betrayed him. With the hip surgery and everything going on I asked my father that I worked so hard to get to my house a good healthy although sometimes chaotic place because of the small children, to leave because of his addiction and the risks to my children. Did I go about this the right way I feel like I might have screwed everything up.



-- Edited by Bending2101 on Tuesday 28th of June 2022 10:30:09 PM

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Ben


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2486
Date:

Welcome bending. You have found the right place for help and support. Your desire to protect your family is spot on, and whatever it takes, do what your gut tells you. No one on MIP can say exactly what you should do, but probably all of us have felt some of what you are going through at one time or another. Alcohol /addiction is a serious disease. You are not facing an easy road. Keep coming back and/or find an in person meeting. There is also no quick fix, but alanon helps all of us with such issues. Wishing you the best and hope you will keep us posted.

__________________

Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 649
Date:

Welcome Bending to MIP and so sorry to hear of your family issues.

Lyne is correct, that we cannot tell you what you can or cannot do, but what we can do is guide you

to Al-Anon literature and reinforce your need to find a local Al-Anon face to face meeting near you.

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/

I can say that, we learn first off, the disease of alcoholism/addiction is something that no one can cause,

cure or control. The addicted has to make the life long commitment to get help on their own.

Also, in Al-Anon, protecting yourself and your family should be a top priority.

 

Keep coming back!!



-- Edited by DM2021 on Wednesday 29th of June 2022 08:24:02 AM

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 864
Date:

Welcome Bend, glad you spoke up.

I feel for your situation, that's a very tough situation. It sounds like you made the best decision you could, and that's all any of us can do.

As Lyne and DM said above, addiction is something that is incredibly powerful and not something we can control in others, no matter how much we wish we could. No one knows the facts or your circumstances better than you in this case so it is certainly not for me to suggest whether your decisions are the right ones to make for you and your family.

I am able to say that in my own experience in dealing with a loved one with addiction, I benefitted incredibly from reading the principles and guidance from Alanon. My perspective and decision making ability sharpened as I learned what I could do that would be most beneficial for myself and those I cared about who were not making healthy decisions.

It has been a very impactful journey of awakening and healing for me, I wish the same for you as you discover more about how you can do what is truly best for your Father. Resources mentioned above are very helpful, for me reading 'Paths to Recovery - Alanon's Steps, Concepts and Traditions' was helpful in explaining how the concepts of Alanon can bring peace despite challenging circumstance.

Hang in there Bend, glad to have you with us

__________________

Paul

"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives."  - Paths to Recovery 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

I think you did the right thing for yourself and your family. Your father is sick. He told you himself "I ruined my marriage" with his drug an alcohol addiction. Taking his OWN words, you can see that his addiction has the power to wreck households and relationships and I validate you for protecting your own family from this. Addicts and alcoholics tend to have better outcomes when they are not protected from the consequences of their own choices. So you gave him a choice to go get help and then a reasonable boundary of not doing drugs in your house with little kids around. Sound pretty reasonable to me but the addict is pretty prone to gaslight, blame, play victim, and make you doubt yourself.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 30th of June 2022 02:47:00 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 564
Date:

Welcome to the forum.
Tough situation to be in and one that many of us have experienced in one form or another.
Boundaries are my lifeline and are to protect me and my household.
In my experience, when someone in active addiction they do not like nor respect my boundaries but that is ok. They are for me.
Your young children deserve and require protection and safety in their own home.
If it was not your father, but someone else doing that you likely would not hesitate to remove them.
I can now detach with love from others whom continue to live their life in a way that I don't think is healthy. I no longer have to invite the circus into my home.

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