The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We are reminded by the author of todays reading that, in the process of making amends (Working Step Eight) that it is not something
that must be done perfectly. Like most of the Steps and Tools in Al-Anon, it is not perfection but progress that is what we are encouraged
to strive for. I learned that it is my daily persistence that reaps the most progress and rewards (by reading the C2C or ODAT everyday, coming
to MIP daily and practicing/using Al-Anon tools).
The author discusses how they found that they made three lists, the first was a group of individuals they felt they could readily make amends to,
the second was a "maybe" list and the third was an "absolutely not willing" to make amends to list. The author found that as they made their way
through the first and second lists that the third was easier to tackle. Their bonuss were pride and well mended fences.
Quote: It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop. ~ Confucius
I discovered that making amends did not always mean that a definitive apology was necessary in all aspects of working Step Eight. I mean that sometimes,
I found, with certain individuals, a strained relationship with them was better tended to with a soft touch so that a more meaningful and less combative
interaction would be accomplished when making amends. For example, I did that with my parents, because an apology would have opened a whole can of worms
with them and it was so much more productive to use an easy approach with them, which enabled us all too just move forward. With my parents, any discussion
is like arguing with a drunk in a bar (they get very defensive), I try not to engage with them and move on. Over time, they could see that I really was not an adversary
and in that way I accomplished my amends with them.
How do make your amends?
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Amends in al-anon is definitely an interesting concept because so much of what we are learning to undo is excessive "helping", excessive conversation etc. So exactly as you say, when I look at the people on my list, the last thing they want to hear from me is more about the past, whatever my intentions! But then you see people discuss amends as being something the recovering person does for themselves rather than for the other person and it becomes really complicated doesn't it?
I have found, like you say, that with many people simply letting go and doing the necessary work within myself to stop engaging them about the past felt like the only right way to make amends. I have pretty severe OCD as well so I can be like an absolute dog with a bone about many things so working hard on therapy for that is another way I see myself making amends to people who I won't engage or seek out, either because it would be harmful to them or in other cases, harmful to me. I think amends in al-anon can be quite an internal process in many cases.
Debbie, thanks so much for your service and all above ESH. I love "making amends" because it reminds me I'm am human and will always be at fault in some ways at some times. Progress not perfection gives me a goal that is reachable. I thank you for sharing about not all amends can be the same and in some instances it is ok to be creative and make a choice about how to handle certain people . All good stuff here!
Sometimes making amends,for me,is a simple apology, that usually suffices in most cases. Dealing with the A's in my life though is a whole different ballgame and I am finding that most times words just make things worse so I use actions instead.
There's so many different ways to make amends and I feel it depends on the person and the situations.
Thank you DM2021 for your service and all shares. It's a great relief to read various ESH on this topic...I've wondered at times if my method is wrong . I did a thorough step 4 on my mom and husband because my fear, resentment and anger towards them owned me. I didn't rehash the past- just started treating them with TLC and letting them into my heart. When I feel old hurts crop up, I work it out with my sponsor or professional. Recently a situation with a friend nearly caused me to get ugly-fortunately Al-Anon tools/people led me to take responsibility for my part, let it go and choose to be kind rather than insist on being right. Key word for me: willingness.
