The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I wanted to take the time to thank the board for allowing me to be me, for never judging the things that I did before Alanon, the things that I did to have acceptance, to be with someone, the low self-esteem that had me by the throat for years. But then I realized that someone could either like me for who and what I was, or they weren't worth my time any longer.
I thought that I had met that man, married him on 4/29/06. And now I am just starting to see how much he loves the old me, how much he wants that woman with no self-respect. He wants me to go back and do the things that I left behind that brought me down so so far. And I refuse to. He is on a tyrant about sex and things that I did with other men that I won't do with him. It eats at him all the time, and yes, we have sex. I have tried to explain to him that that was a bad time, that that is the only way I felt I could have a man in my life, be drunk next to them and give them all they wanted and how they wanted it, but that it wasn't what I wanted. I did it to be someone, to be their best friend, to be responsible for their mistakes, always feeling that if I gave them great sex, and was their own personal *hore, they would stay. He married me knowing this, yet wants to belittle me about it all the time that I won't do it for my husband, what kind of woman am I. He rides me about it all the time, and just when I thought he was understanding that I am a lady and will ever act like or be anything else, he starts this all again. He attitude about it makes it hard for me to open up, to want to have sex with him, to risk my heart in that way is something that I do not know if I will ever be able to do again. He thinks that because we said I DO, that it should just change over night, and he doesn't understand the way a woman's heart works and co-insides with her hormones and sex desires. Why and how can you make love with someone who doesn't understand a womans heart, who doesn't understand the emotional balance and if all isn't well with the heart, and we don't feel love, we can't make love, aside from a medical problem with blood flow and medicines and such. How can you explain this to a man who believes it is all him that is the problem, and can not see anything else other than what he wants to believe, and that it is a closed mind and something that he isn't willing to look at. He makes it difficult to want to do the things men and women do, and how do you get them to understand that I feel like a pressured teenager in the back seat of a car being told that if I don't give it out and when and how he says, he will leave.
Help...............
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Do not worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will take care of itself, only be concerned with the day you are living, today.
I don't know if this will help you but for me my head rules the rest of my body not my heart. I can love someone very much but without that intellectual stimulation and seeing what others do for us without us asking, validating us, loving us even when we know we are unlovable, the rest doesn't follow for me.
I guess I am saying I understand. Keep coming.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
thank you so much for your openess. i rarely hear sex brought up at meetings and i understand but still so many of us suffer from just what you describe. my husband wanted to have sex all the time and was never ever concerned with me, how i was feeling, how he treated me, etc. he never understood that connection was huge for me. being from an alcoholic home there was no communication, no real love. i needed more than just sex. but he is/ was a sick man. he would always say "you don't want me" when i would say no. it got on my nerves. so towards the end of our relationship i turned it around on him. everytime he would start with the "you don't want me" crap i would respond "me? are you kidding? it's you who doesn't want me! otherwise you would do whatever it took to make me feel safe, loved and connected" that totally confused him. lol. it was true, it was how i felt and how i eventually came to see the situation. this was after i gained self respect and realized that i wanted more and deserved more. it was all alanon. and it took a long time. so i don't know if this was too much info. maybe i should save it for my sponsor but i really understood what you are feeling and i know there are many of us out there who suffer alone and in silence. thank you again for your honesty.
sex was a big problem in my marriage, not only due to the drinking but do to my medical problems. He turned that into a reason to drink, I didn't take it personally, until he said I had a hysterectomy on purpose! I had history of cervical cancer, endometriosis and migraines. Three reasons to have one and he accused me of doing it to hurt him! Boy are they all about themelseves or what?
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Well what I am thinking is, you cannot explain, describe or anything. He is an active A, he does not even know where the real him is when he uses.
Why bother trying to explain to a disease?
I refused to even talk to my A when he was using. Why bother? it is not him anyway. I am not talking to a list of A symptoms.
They won't get it anyway. I am so sad you are going thru this. You mean you just got married like a week or so ago???
I cannot, will not be intimate with an active A. NO way. Now my A is very sick and cannot do it anyway. But I would go sleep in another room.
But I do remember, horribly when all of a sudden I felt like I was being raped. It was awful.
Just becuz you are married, it does not mean you have to do anything you are not comfortable with.
As far as the past, it is past. I would not respond at all. I would make a boundary. I do not talk about or answer questions about my past. I am who I am now.
I used to be with men when I did not feel anything. It was awful. This was when I was a teen and young woman before I knew the truth of what was right and what was wrong.
I finally realized, I did not want to be with anyone but my A. I did not want to be with him unless I was in love. I never shared what I did with anyone else. He never asked.
Well anyway I hope you find some comfort. Sex and the A are a whole nother kettle of fish. shaking head here. love,debilyn
THanks for you post, this was always a soar subject for me. I was the opposite with my A ex boyfriend. I so craved physical intimacy with him, (or so I thought) b/c he didn't touch me at all and would reject me often, but I believed he loved me. He would blame his non interest on me, that I had not been nice to him or made him feel bad about himself. I tried to be good to him and was always willing to be there to communicate or whatever, but he didn't want to deal with the problems and just pushed them off on me. It still breaks my heart when I think of how awful I felt at that time. Now, I know that a spiritual, intellectual, and emotional connection need to be there first before the other stuff can happen and be fulfilling. It takes two.
As far as someone pressuring me into doing it a certain way, well, i guess, boundaries are there for a reason, unfortunatley we have no control over how someone reacts to these boundaries, but that's not our resposibility to make it all ok. you know your limits and what you're willing to do and not do. Good luck..
