The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I have said in prior posts, my problems do not seem very significant in consideration of what some of you go through. My AW and I are very close, probably very codependent, and together all of the time except during work. We commute together so I don't have to worry about her driving, I can keep track of what she does at home - make sure nothing is on fire on the stove and that the animals are safe and the house locked up at night, etc. etc. Most days are pretty good because I have learned so much from all of you by reading your posts and have tried to apply what I have learned here. For a variety of reasons, this is the only source of support I have for the time being.
Anyway, I have to leave town for business for four days. I am trying hard to turn everything over to HP and to Let Go and Let God, but I am fearful of what will happen while I am gone. I'm trying not to be nervous about it but cannot seem to get it out of my mind. Any ESH you might have would certainly be appreciated!!! Thank you all!
I underdstand the fear of not knowing what is going to happen when you are not there around the "A" to make sure all will be okay.
My "A" is going to drink/use if I am there or not. I am not in control of my "A", and thinking that I was did more harm to him and me than good. So little by little I learned to let go, and I have finally been able to experience peace. It hasn't been easy, and I have to work on it.
Also protecting my "A" from himself allowed him to journey to his bottom at a slower pace than if he didn't have me cleaning up his messes. Not that allowing him to see the consequences helped him sober up, but I was getting in the way of his HP, and who am I to do that? He needs to fall if he has to.
I know I am not in the same situation as you and I hope your not offended by anything I say. But keep working on letting it go. Progress, not perfection.
That is really all I have to offer. Maybe you can find an alanon meeting or two while you are away.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I understand your feelings. I rarely have to leave town on business, but when I do it is to the 4 corners of the earth. We do work all over the world. 2 or 3 times a year I just can't do something without being there...
I dred telling her, don't want her all worked up, don't want her yelling about it, but the reality is what makes her the maddest is that I drop it on her at the last minute. LOL She has a point.
You mentioned that you take her everywhere. I do that too. I am the chaufur (sp), but you know what, when I'm not there she doesn't go anywhere and blames it on me. I can handle that, at least she didn't drive impaired.
So... I guess what I'm trying to say is, if she's not upset about me leaving, why should I worry myself sick. She is comfortable there. It's a safe place. If she needs help she knows how to get it.
I hope you can find a little serenity around this.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What really helped me in these situations, was the 3 c's, I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. It was especially the controlling it part for me. Like, somehow my worry would prevent my A from drinking and staying out all night. It didn't matter what I did. However if and when I would worry and get upset, he sure had something to blame his drinking and behaviors on. Some very smart woman in this room once said this little phrase, and I still use it today...she said, "worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you no where!"
I hope you are able to enjoy some of your business trip, maybe bring a courage to change or one day at a time book along :)
Juster you can't spend your whole life babysitting an A, if an A wants to drink, they will drink, you cannot change that, only she can. You can get busy living in Al-Anon, or stay trapped babysitting. That choice is yours and only yours to make.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Juster, I so understand where you are coming from...
For many people in alanon there is a fine line between being a loving and attentive spouse and "enabling" but I have found that each person has to determine that line for themselves.
Even though my husband and I have had some very rocky times, we are pretty much like you and your wife, often together and we love each other very much.
Some people laugh at some of the things he does for me, but I love him OH SO MUCH for the "special" things that he does for me.
One example is that I HATE spiders. My husband is so patient with this little idiosyncracy that I have, LOL. Whenever I take any clothes or shoes out of storage he takes the time to stick his arm in any arms or legs and shoes and shakes them out. I am 43, certainly old enough to do this for myself, LOL, but he helps me out of love. The other day he came out and inspected the bottom of my bike seat for spiders too, he turned the bike upside down and all around checking...I love him very much for this.
Even though my husband is an alcoholic, I too look out for him and try to do special things for him.
For me enabling would be buying him an alcohol (which I don't do, EVER) or cleaning up after him, or making excuses for him when he misses an engagement due to drinking. However, as a loving wife, I still have to look out for his health.
Once a restaurant he was so drunk he was eating the peanut shells! It was horrible, I kept trying to distract him, but he was being very unreasonable. He could have choked on the peanut shells, or he could have cracked a tooth, or they could have lodged in his appendix. As soon as he went to the bathroom, I grabbed the peanuts and shells and hid then on the FLOOR under the table. When he came back he looked for them, but was almost comatose at that point and not coherent enough to ask me what happened to them. PHEW!
I shared this in chat and someone accused me of "enabling". SIGH!
I think it is lovely the way you look out for your wife and take care of her. In your own journey in alanon, you too will discover where you are on that fine line between enabling and showing love to a beloved spouse.
Tomorrow my husband too is going away for three days. I am VERY nervous and worried for him as I will not be there to look out for him. He does not travel well alone and pleaded with me to go, but I cannot. We have a daughter still in high school and I don't want to leave her, not even for three days, she suffers from depression.
I have asked him not to drink while he is gone, since I won't be there to "help". He knows what I mean...
He told me that he is capable of handling himself without me...yeah...that is what he said two years ago when he went on a business trip without me. He called me every hour, not knowing how to do anything, not even get a cab to get to a restaurant or rent a car, SIGH. He pleaded with me to rent a car and come and get him...I could not.
Hopefully he has learned and will be OK...but I am very worried.
All you and I can do is pray. I am trying not to worry. He is a grown man and hopefully has a little sense not to get so drunk he can't function when I am not there.
Let's hope that our alcoholics rely on the saftey net that we provide and have some sort of instinct not to drink to dangerous excess when we are not around.
At least your wife will be in familiar and safe territory, your home. My husband is going away to a strange place, SIGH.
Just remember that as much as we do for our spouses, we cannot prevent any and all calamities. All we can do is our best, and that is all.
Try not to worry too much. Your wife I am sure knows how much she relies on you and may surprise you how well she does on her own. My husband is capable in extreme circumstances of staying sober for a few days, I hope he will do that in his trip.
I hope you can leave with a good feeling that she will be OK and not worry too much.
Please stop thinking that your problems are insignificant. Everyone goes through things at varying degrees, but to each of us, our lives are important.
A few years ago my oldest son had reconstructive surgery on his knee. For several days he could not get off a chair. I had to help him do everything. One of my younger boys skinned his knee. Ok maybe not as bad as knee surgery, but to him it was. He still felt pain. I still put a bandaid on it and kissed it better.
If your wife is going to drink, she will do it whether you are home or not. Try not to worry, (I know easier said then done) and give her up to her HP. If you are concerned about safety in the house, a phone call to remind her to check around and lock up couldn't hurt.
I want to thank all of you so much for replying to my post. The support is very much appreciated! I will take everything that was said to heart and will get through this and whatever else may come in the future. I wish you all the best and hope you all have a great day today! Thanx again!!!!!
Juster
PS: Isabella - I will pray that your husband makes it through his trip OK and that you are able to get through that period of time without too much worry! It is nice to know that we are not alone in this!
