The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have never had to deal with alcoholism before, so this is entirely new to me, and confusing. My story goes like this.....14 years ago my boyfriend and I met at a mutual friend's party. We were both 14. We stayed together almost 3 years, but the relationship ended and 7 years went by, and we started our relationship up again. I had known going into the relationship the second time around that he was a heavy drinker and he knew that it had bothered me so he agreed to stop. The next two years or so were perfect....we got engaged and were planning out the rest of our lives together. All of a sudden, he became very jealous of my friends, especially the male ones, and he was accusing me, constantly checking up on me, etc. Then, I had found empty beer cans one day and had asked him about them. of course he didn't know where they came from. I tried to believe him but it was hard. This lasted for about a year and a half. The final straw was about three months ago, in the middle of one of our breaks, an ex boyfriend of mine (who wants me back) had aproached me and asked me to a dance. I had explained to him that my fiance and i were having problems but if things didn't work out then I would go to the dance with him. I had no intentions of following up with the ex and had forgotten it even happened. My fiance had found out and called up the ex boyfriend and somehow it had come out of the exboyfriend that I have been sleeping with him while i've been with my fiance( not true at all). My fiance has chosen to believe this lie, and has changed the locks and wants nothing to do with me. I have had some contact with him in the last three months and he is now openly drinking again, heavily. Anyway, besides being depressed over this and confused, what is bothering me the most is, is this happening because of the alcohol? I have never been around alcoholics at all in my life, and I have no idea how they think or why they act they way they do. i've been told that this is a defense mechanism stemming from his drinking, that alcholics push away the ones that they feel the most threatened by and that is why he is choosing to believe this lie. Any input would be GREATLY appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Wishing, I can only tell you that you are not alone. My situation has been similar to yours, and I know it is hard. What helps me the most is the first step, where you realize you have no control over alcohol, and your life has become unmanageable. Acknowledging that I had no control over my AH and his drinking has been more of a weight lifted than you might think. I also repeat to myself one line of the "Serenity Prayer; Give me the strength to accept what I cannot change." Do for yourself, and let your HP guide you. Best wishes for recovery.
He may be pushing you away, he may not be. Only he really knows the motives for his actions, and if he is actively drinking his actions are more than likely not logical.
The thing here is to focus on you. Living with an active alcoholic takes a toll on us. We become different people. Focus on you, take care of you. Come to alaon meetings. In these meetings you will find people who have probably experienced something similar to your situation.
Keep coming back.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
I had never been around alcoholics either, until I married my first husband. 14 yrs later we were divorced and I had a new life. Only to repeat the same mistake and married my husband now. Although my first husband was violent and abusive, I connected that with alcoholisim. My husband now would never hurt me physically but the other hurt that is caused by his addictions is just as bad. Now I am learning, how to take care of me. It has taken years of work and courage, but I won't ever make the same mistake again. Hang in there. Read lots, and know that you are not alone.
Welcome to Miracles in Progress!! Please join us in chat and keep coming back here to the boards. It doesn't matter when you get involved with an alcoholic, the rules are the same.
You didn't cause it!
You can't cure it!
and you can't change it!
Jealousy is common problem with drinkers, they love to lie blaim on others. Nothing is ever their fault. You are an easy target. You have a long history, he doesn't think you are going anywhere.
The link or chat and meetings is in upper left hand corner. Please join us.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
I was separated from my A for a decade while I was married to a man I met 3 weeks after my A broke up with me...I found my A just before Christmas, and was in absolute bliss, until 2-3 weeks later I found an empty bottle of Rum in his trash can and him passed out smelling exactly like finger nail polish remover.
My experience is slight with alcoholism.
I can tell you that when a man accuses you of sleeping around it is usually HIS guilty conscience about HIS infidelity. My husband was cheating on me for 6 1/2 years of our marriage, even had a baby with one of his mistresses all in secrecy, when I found out-I would NEVER have guessed him capable of one affair let alone several years of them.
All along in our marriage I was accused of cheating on him. He is not an A, but he is an A hole.
Thank you everyone. It feels good to know that there are others out there who can relate to what I am saying. I have been seeing a therapist, and I would love to go to an al-anon meeting. But what I was wondering, does anyone know of any good books that were helpful to them through their situation? I love to read and I figured that the more informed I am, the better off I'll be.
