The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I took some time to write down all my feelings about my A.
I wrote him a letter, that I never intended to give him.
I realized I do not need this BS existence.
He stayed somewhere, God only knows where, with his friend ( I know this because the friends car is in his driveway ) and did well, I can guess that one pretty acurately. He probably got so drunk he is still intoxicated.
I stayed up for 3 hours after I would normally have been in bed calling his phone, getting his voice mail, and leaving a couple of desperate messages.
He has not bothered to return a call as of noon today and I am fed up.
My mother, who does think he is a good person with an unfortunate and powerfull illenss, talked to me. I listened. She warned me that alcoholism runs in MY family too, and if I continue to be with my A not only am I asking for a miserable life, but endangering myself to succomming to this ravaging disease right along with him.
I love this man and God do I wish things were different, but they arent and they are not going to magically change either.
I am NOT the mother, employee, friend or human being I once was long ago...and since I have let alcohol dictate my life for the past several months I am a walking talking disaster area.
I am reading Co Dependent No More and also a couple of Christian inspiration books from the library that I got earlier today.
I am asking for prayer that God gives me the strength to rid myself of this man and ease my suffering because I am giving up the man I love, for the good of my sanity and my children.
I am so sorry you are in such distress. I don't really know what to say except that I would try not to make any quick decisions. What helped me alot was just to keep telling myself that he was not doing it to me or his wife or children. The A cannot do anything else but act this way when not in recovery. They have lost the power over their lives. He is not doing it to hurt anyone. I am sure he loves you...especially after not being with you in more than a decade. He just cannot help himself. Pray for compassion for your A. They are in a very sad place.
oh jen i do feel your pain. i went a very similar situation. and when i was hurting and desprete i found this program. when i decided that i couldn't take it anymore these people supported me and loved me. they calmed my fears. and i also heard that nothing is forever. there is always hope. so do what you have to do to take care of you and the kids but none of us knows what the future holds and there in lies the hope! love and peace
One of the books I have so helpful and continue to read it regularly is written by Melody Beatty also, it's a daily reader, called The Language of Letting Go...it's wonderful and helps in small ways with dealing with issues on a day to day basis.
I look back now on the wasted time I spent, tracking, calling, worrying, fretting, crying, yelling, etc. with my A. I slip once in while back to old behaviors, but ya know, when looking back, I had no life at all unless it involved him and his drinking, his behavior. Hang in there, it does get easier. I think my relationship will end one day. I love my A but as I change he stays the same.....the saying "nothing changes if nothing changes" or "nothing changes until something changes" is so true. Be gentle with yourself, spend time working on you. Learn about detaching with love. My life was in such a mess that my anger was out of control, I was so mad at my A one night, I threw a phone at him. It didn't change him, but it made me do some changes, he called 911 and I went to jail. Before that night, I never even had a speeding ticket. I had to go to counseling and I was forced by the law to take a good look at myself, I think back now that I was sicker then he was. 20 calls to a cell phone he wouldn't answer, or would turn off, imagining the worse case seniro about everything in my life. Distancing myself from my friends, neighbors, etc. Submersing myself in my work, working as many hours as I could so I didn't have to be home to wonder where he was and what he was doing.
Hopefully this will let you know that the insanity the A brings to our lives can be changed, when we change ourselves.
You need to do what is best for you. Only you know what that is.
When my "A" and I had a year long seperation a few years ago, I first started going to alanon meetings for my daughter and my unborn child. They needed a sane mommy. Then as I started getting better I realized that I was going for me. I focused on me, took care of myself, and really grew in the program.
Focus on yourself. You're doing good by posting here, we can offer support. Go to meetings. Work the alanon program. Take things one day at a time.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
And Jen...I so know where you are. I'm barely a couple days gone from there myself. Just keep busy, keep your head up, and know that what you're doing right now you're doing for yourself. Regardless of what you think of him or what he's done, if you look, you'll see that you're not in any shape to be having this relationship right now either. Calling his cell repeatedly, checking up in other ways...I've done that stuff. I still lapse into doing that stuff. But at the end of the day, I have to look at it logically and say "THAT? That is NOT healthy for ME. ME." It accomplishes nothing except making me miserable and making him think I'm certifiable.
Get yourself back to Good. Keep coming back here, going to meetings and just...listening where you can. The great thing about this program is that what you need very often falls into your lap when you're willing to receive it. I've seen it happen for others, and I know it's happened to me fifty times in the past three days.
Much love, and best of luck to you. ~A
PS - Not that I don't understand that there're probably a crapload of games coming from his side that you feel have led you to this behavior. But the thing about getting well and being happy is, it isn't about fixing what's wrong with him, it's about fixing what's wrong with you and doing what YOU can to make things better.
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Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. ~Garrison Keillor
Jen I hope you have taken your time in making this decision. Al-Anon recommends 6 months to a year in the program before you make big decisions. I don't know the life you are living, I just want to make sure you can live with the choices you make. Al-Anon gives you great tools to learn how to live with an alcoholic. Giving the program a good chance and working the steps gives you better idea of what choice you should make ( sometimes it is never clear).
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
YOU________I am asking for prayer that God gives me the strength to rid myself of this man and ease my suffering because I am giving up the man I love, for the good of my sanity and my children.
ME__________i had to give up on someone i loved for 12 years, six years ago this month........it was hard, but i had to do it for ME/ MY sanity MY welfare........he was good to me, but an alkie whom i just coudn't live with anymore................i wanted recovery.....he wanted to keep on drinking and denying.........the two just DONT mix.................blessings, rosie
I was right where you are so many times with my A. I'd be done then go back. Our relationship was like a broken record, we just kept skipping over the same line and never got thru the song. I said almost the exact same thing you have said here. There was nothing that would make me better, except getting this man out of my life for good. (even tho i loved him dearly) I even went so far as to say, no more alanon, b/c i felt alanon was keeping me with him..lol. well, that didn't work, we went back and forth for a long time and then i finally hit my bottom, where i just couldn't take it anymore.
alanon taught me that i didn't have to do it alone anymore. that i was reeling from the effects of my A and that there were steps i could take to get better. i had to start putting the focus back on myself. the 3 c's and detaching were the best things i learned in the beginning...
if you can, get yourself to a f2f or come right into the mip chat room for a meeting :) you're not alone and this program does work if u work it! lots of love for you (((jen)))
I will keep you in my prayers Jen, you can be sure. This may be the hardest decision of your life, but I think you are wise in making this choice. It will become easier as time passes and it all comes into perspective. Meanwhile, take care of yourself.
With much caring and concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Just wanted to share some ESH with you in case you are interested.
I read a great book by a guy and his wife who write about ending destructive relationships and putting your life back together with twelve step programs (and their books).
Actually two books.
They are written by a guy named Greg Berenedt (not sure how to spell that) but the titles are "He is not that into you" and the other one is something like "Stop eating ice cream to get through a breakup". Not sure about the last title, but there is a carton of ice cream on the cover.
Your local librarian should be able to help you find them, or a bookstore. They are very popular recent books.
They are HILARIOUS and offer serious help at the same time. Greg, one of the authors is a recovering alcholic and he writes from his perspective and his non alcoholic wife shares her perspective.
I just think they would help you at a time like this. They offer specific exercises about how to get on with your life and move on.
These are books I WISH I had when I had to breakup with a fiance that I had been with for eight years before I married my husband. He had gotten addicted to prescription pain medication and was abusing it and totally lost it. I wish I had these books back then rather than being so heartbroken and non-functional that I have to move back in with my Mom...SIGH.
