The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We quite often read posts on hear referring to either really good OR really bad experiences that people have had at f2f Al-Anon meetings they have tried. Some feel immediately welcomed and loved - others feel shunned and judged.
I'd like to offer my own personal experience, and then a few other comments/thoughts.
For me, I have never experienced ANY negativity at meetings. I have probably attended ten different meeting groups over the years, and found one as my "home group". I honestly believe, we get out of Al-Anon what we are ready to get. When I first attended, some eight years ago, I went twice, and then stopped going - deciding that these people were all "stuck", and it was a bunch of bitter old ladies complaining about their alcoholic husbands, and I wanted no part of all that..... I was different, I wanted to learn, grow, be positive, find out what I needed to do for me, etc.... So I left, and didn't come back for two years..... And I was miserable, and my life became even more unmanageable..... I finally went back, and found these same people to be wonderful, loving, caring human beings (boy, had they ever learned a lot, lol :)) - my point is - it was ME who wasn't ready before, not them.... In that way, we perhaps aren't all that different than our A's, in that if we aren't ready to find Al-Anon and are not "sick and tired of being sick and tired", then perhaps we aren't ready to get the value of Al-Anon. It has been my experience, from both myself and the dozens of friends that I have made in the program, however, that this is usually more about US, and our readiness, than it is about the "other people" in the meetings.
For those of you who really have had negative things come out of your Al-Anon meetings, I would simply offer you the encouragement to try again, and if possible, try another meeting, even if it means going a little further away.... I make the analogy of "being a Christian" vs. "being religious". A Christian loves their fellow man, regardless.... A religious person judges others, and tells them how they should act, or puts conditions on their acceptance. If you have had negative experiences at Al-Anon, I firmly believe that they stem from "people" acting out, and NOT the program itself.
There is my two cents on this subject....
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hi, Tom, Thank you for your post. It really sounds like a good program post to me. Now I want to add my 2 cents! While I think having an online forum is a good addition to our program, for me, there is nothing that can take the place of a face to face meeting. Something very powerful happens in those meetings. Sometimes the people there can be - like any other human beings - just into talking to people they know, etc, but for the most part, the program is the center of meetings I have been to over the years. And working the Program is what really helps us gain serenity. The real "junk" needs to be shared with a loving and challenging sponsor, who can really listen. What needs to be put out in meetings is the ESH of those who are working the Program. I loved your realization that you needed to be ready to work the program. That is so true for all of us. Thanks for being here. Blessings, mebjk
I couldn't agree more, Mebjk.... Online meetings and resources are awesome, and provide us all with a great deal of support and help.... I don't think anything can take the place of the f2f meetings however, and ideally, we use the online recovery help to supplement our overall program of recovery. There is something huge about the "realness" of meeting in person, versus the relative anonymity of being here online...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wanted to address a new persons referrence to the "blank stare" they got as they shared. I noticed this as a new person, and have come to recognise this quite acknowledment as the look people get on their face as they bite their toung!
My first couple of meetings, I was beside myself... and I wanted some answers! I wanted someone to fix me, and the look on some peoples face as I paused and waited for them to fix me was them holding themselves back from saying "... ok, here is what you need to do" LOL
I know now that they are not at all indifferent to my feelings or avoiding helping me, but I was taken back a bit when nobody jumped in to offer up their cure.
I wanted to use my ears to fix the emotions I felt inside instead of my brain, my eyes and my heart and my HP who I had lost all contact with over the years. I am glad they made me think about it and shared in other ways, as I would not have made as much progress otherwise.
I think people who get the most out of these meetings as a new person are either on their knees already or are very open minded to begin with. I was, and in many ways still on my knees over this disease.
Thanks for sharing that!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for that share. I'd like to add a bit to this, as well.
First, I completely agree that not all meetings are created equal, sometimes personalities get in the way of principals. I have yet to find a meeting where I couldn't learn something, though.
Second, f2f meetings are essential to my recovery for more than one reason. First of all, especially in my home group, when I allow people to get to know me, it's a lot harder for me to try BS and pretend things are not what they really are. It's a lot harder for me to play the victim role, because I'm looking into the eyes of these other folks. It's also important because it's where I find a sponsor to work with on a 1:1 basis. If I didn't go to f2f meetings, I'd lose a lot of the honesty I find myself facing and I've come to find that honesty priceless. The homegroup also allows me to get to know others and allows me to be of service, which is truly essential if I want to stop being so wrapped up in myself. It's easy for me to do a dump and dash online, but in a f2f, I can't get away with it. (well, unless I feel like running from the room in a drama queen fashion - lol - I remember doing that on one occasion...guess I just wanted attention that day)
There are reasons for f2f that have nothing to do with the essential part, but really because I want to...I like the people I have met there and treasure some of the relationships I have made in f2f meetings. I enjoy getting together with some of the folks outside of meetings as well.
I am a sick person and meetings are a part of my medicine. They allow me to stay real, connected and healthy.
My experience was very similar to yours. My perspective of my first Alanon meeting was that it just wasn't what I was looking for. I wanted them to fix my life, I didn't want to have to do it!! .
We come in to the program hurt, and more times then not very defensive. I can't count the times I've made a vague reference in chat and someone (or more then one) speaks up immediately.. "Are you referring to me"? They are ready to argue..lol Or they storm out with.. "I don't have to take this "!! Or feel attacked.
We've been there, we love them through it and hope for their return. Changed attitudes is big for me. I know I used to be right where they are.
IF I based my soul experience on trying chat for my only experience, and I left angry..I may have never gone back. Luckily, I was met with kindness and understanding. I came to chat for about 3 weeks before going to a f2f.
In f2f I have found understanding, new friends and a bond that is hard to explain. We get out what we are willing to put in to the program. If we are able, going to f2f can only be an asset to our personal growth.
Granted, for some, chat is the only way to be in Alanon, for the most part (IMO) those that are truly unable to attend f2f are the people willing to work the program by any means possible and I have much respect for them as I would surely find it more difficult, ie: Sponsors etc.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
One other aspect of f2f that I don't think has been raised, in any of these recent posts - the growth that comes from saying the previously unsayable, out loud. Once you have done that, you can never go back to being the person who pretends that nothing is wrong. You have knocked a big hole in your denial,and even though you will try to mend it agian, (because denial is so cozy to hide behind), that big hole keeps letting the cold wind of reality in.
It is so freeing - I didn't even realize the prison I was in, until I had broken out. (or maybe I should say "am in the process of breaking out"). It's also hard, and freeing, to post here, and tell the real truth, but the whole thing is ten times more powerful f2f.
One thing that used to happen between my husband and me, when we were both so far from recovery. We would be fighting, he would be drunk, and I would just get this enormous frustration - I could not stand the hell we were living in, pretending that it was not there. So, I would say or do something unforgiveable. It was like I was trying to pull down the walls of the house of cards we were living in. But, like magic - next day, it was as if none of it had happened. Such horrible thngs would happen in that house in the long winter nights, and then, next day, there's a kiss on the cheek and "Bye Honey", as he goes off to work! No wonder I doubted my sanity. Nothing either of us said ever STAYED said, if that makes any sense. But, sitting in a room of strangers, looking them in the eye, speaking these things out loud, makes it real. F2f has given me a stabilty and a strength that I don't think I could have gotten from just online.
