The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page addresses an important reality: that what we tell others and ourselves about the reasons for what we do and why ('I want to help others'), even what we may believe it to be, is quite possibly not accurate.
Working the 12 Steps allows us to cut through the excuses and desperation to uncover the true cause of our resentment, despair, self-pity and unhappiness. Reluctance to get at them unreservedly may reveal that unstated, perhaps even unknown, motivations are even stronger and not associated with health and recovery.
Reminder: Suffering and unhappiness are unnecessary. A daily study and incorporation of the Steps can point us toward a better path, a better life.
"I pray for the willingness to accept the difficult discipline of the 12 Steps. Living with such a guide makes life increasingly worthwhile." - unattributed --------------------- I truly believed I wanted to help the drinker, that I was trying to help. Working the Steps in Alanon helped me see that what I really wanted was for things to go the way I thought they should.
Not only was that not my responsibility, it is not my right; I don't always know what is truly best for myself, and certainly don't for others.
The drinker was not the source of my desperate unhappiness, my own insanity and dishonesty was. Working the 12 Steps of AA was very challenging, but exposed me to the tools that allowed reconnection to a higher power, discovery of my true motives, and the path to restoring serenity...so grateful for the wisdom
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service, and for all above ESH. The questions were asked: do I truly want recovery and am I will to do what it takes?? My answers are YES and YES! But before alanon, I did not want recovery, I wanted my A to change. And I started out visiting MIP once every couple months--I thought I could take care of things on my own. I never planned to get a sponsor nor go to a F2F meeting. In hindsight, getting a sponsor and establishing myself with a home group were two of the best decisions I've ever made. In fact, I wish I had done that years ago, but I'm not crying over spilled milk. I have today, and I will make it a good one, thanks to program.
Thanks Paul and everyone.
The willingness to acknowledge my less stellar motivations is something I have to continually work on. Just recently I was feeling annoyed about the teenagers not helping with the lawns as agreed. I could have knocked on the door and firmly requested that they help, but instead I stomped outside and angrily mowed the lawn myself. As I was doing it I thought about why I had made that choice and I realised that if I had have demanded it be done, they would have done it and then probably been a bit irritated with me. My default setting is to prefer to be the one who does everything, so I can complain and not endure other people's irritation (apparently I prefer others to feel indebted, or guilty? It's unpleasant when I drag it out and look at it, but it's there). I know this doesn't relate to wanting to fix an alcoholic but I believe that growing up in active alcoholism and chaos and then living with an alcoholic partner is where I learned that dysfunctional behaviour- somehow if I do everything and everyone else feels slightly guilty all the time, they can't be angry with me or critical of my actions and I can stomp around and be grumpy with impunity. I could easily delude myself that I "do everything" out of a desire to care for everyone but the reality is something a little less noble.
Not a pleasant realisation, but an important one. It's not my business to try to control how others feel about me!
