I'm getting in a little early with the reading this week (it's probably still Wednesday for many of you) as I have the dreaded virus and after I post this I am going to sleep for an as-yet undetermined amount of time. My goal is to sleep until I am well again, lol.

Today's reading talks of reaching acceptance that alcoholism is a disease, and the reader describes finding peace and comfort in having the disease of alcoholism likened to alzheimers; there may be lucid moments but expecting the diseased person to be rational or to resent them when they are not is illogical and just setting ourselves up for dissappointment. 

It's funny, when I think back to those final weeks living with my ex A, agreeing to try "one more time" because he promised he wouldn't bring any alcohol into the house. Making this agreement with him even though my stomach turned at the thought of it. And then feeling so depressed when he changed it to "only beer" a few days later, and then utter rage when I saw him sneaking a bottle of scotch past me in the hallway because he had AGREED and how could he value alcohol over my safety? But the folly was all mine, and I knew it deep down. When I finally reached acceptance that his disease would do what it did no matter what I wanted, and no matter what he said he wanted in his occasional sober moments, I was able to make peace with the situation and finally walk away. 
When we are first confronted with this idea that alcoholism is a disease, I think many of us feel angry because we are still focused on THEM and it feels like we are making excuses for them, or invalidating our own anger/hurt/frustration. It takes a long time (well, it sure took me a long time) to understand that knowing it is a disease doesn't excuse them or invalidate us, it frees us from the compulsion to be responsible for it, and places responsibility for wellness back on THEM. If I had a partner who had an operable brain tumor that made him beat me up every other week, and he refused to have it removed, I wouldn't stick around. The idea is ludicrous. But when the issue is addiction, for some reason we labour under the delusion that it can be bargained away, managed, reasoned with. Accepting that it is a disease makes it far easier to take the necessary steps to protect and care for ourselves. 

I need to start remembering this with my brother too. Not five minutes before I wrote this entry, I sent him a message and felt sad and annoyed that he won't reply to my messages lately and that he only ever contacts me when he is drunk and high and in a certain mood. It's a disease Mel, remember? Not a thing in the world you can do about it.