...my problems pale in comparison ... - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

...my problems pale in comparison ...

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

It sounds like what you're really doing is lying to yourself. That's all rationalization is--self lying. And kudos to the therapist for confronting you!

Until you're ready to really look--really look--at the family dynamics at play here and your role in them, you're waisting your money. That's what your therapist was saying in no uncertain terms.

Forget the "attitude of gratitude" nonsense until you fully realize that what you're "gratitude-ing" is what's causing your misery. Also, actualize that the fact of the matter is that you have the good sense to realize that you can't solve the problem--but taking action is the only way to find any sense of hapiness!

That's all this program is--actions leading to life changes!

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

((((rtexas))))

It's called denial. Problems are problems, emotions are what we feel. If we look at our problems, yes we can always find someone who has it worse. The thing is, if we want to avoid dealing with, or feeling the emotions that come along with our problems we're going to look out side of ourselves/situation to FIND that which is worse. Then we can console, help, take care of someone elses problems instead of our own. Because, hey, our problems aren't that bad. Ever heard the slogan, mind your own business, well it applies here too, take care of your problems first before you start looking at/or helping with anyone elses. Your problems are real and they need to be delt with honestly.

If you avoid facing your problems, and the true emotions that come with them, it's no better than hiding a secret. And as they say, we're only as sick as our secrets.

I encourage you to re-read your reponse to those questions on your compassion post and think about them some more. You are so worth the peace you are trying to maintain in your home, only I don't know if you see how much harm it is doing to you in the way that you are going about it. You are so worth it, keep at it.

I have one more question for you, if you keep excusing others behaviors, are you not showing them that the behavior you really have a problem with, isn't really a problem? How can they face it, if you won't? My sponsor asked me once, "What's it going to take to piss you off?" lol You are looking at the queen of denial who could justify about every behavior in the book.

Remember, take what you like and leave the rest. ((((lots of hug to you)))

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Hiya rtexas,

In the years I've been trying to make sence of it all, has taken me on too many jurne's. For every life there is , there is a jurne, and how ever many they take. Pheeeeeewwwhhh!!!!! It can get you lost for sure. And , OMG, if you are already lost, hold on to your seat belts. If you feel a sence of stability now, I would recommend not biting off more than you can chew, with this growth thing. Seems everybody is looking for the "quik cure" or OH, if its just this or that. If you step back and look at it , every person has an opinion. Think for a minute how many do you have ? And somewhere in that neighborhood multiplt it times how many people live in the world and all the knowledge in history.!!!!!! YIKES What you think so far ???

'"Happiness'" seems to be what you are questioning. Have you done everything YOU think you know of to attain it ? Do YOU want happiness to be what YOU think it is , or what some one else thinks it is ?????? To me this is a BIG ??? to concider. Is where you are right now a combination of decisions YOU made to get yourself there, and how long did it take ???

I have at least 5 decades of thinking about this stuff. Is it out there, or inside? who decides what happiness is ? To me its like the elusive butterfly.And I found to look at it as a whole thing is to exaggerate it out of perspective. How many yrs did you spend in your life looking for it? So many ways to look at it. For me, I QUIT COMPARING. I found it to be very discounting. I think it was Eric Burns book I found that in and decided to jurne awhile on believing his opinion , oh, yes , "I'm OK, Your OK" is the title of that one.I'm pretty sure anyway I got into reading everything I could get my hands on when I started my jurne on the growth trail in a different way in my mid 3rd decade. Before then I had ,according to some theories, become detached and was operating from an observant self. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family according to some of the theories , too. There is a book on it too. Excuse me , tons of materials, and then some. Everybody wants to make a living. "The Observant Self" don't remember author. I went on a rampage for a few yrs, probably many fews, and bought 16 boxes of books and did some more college and different 12 steppin and on and on.My last book I bought to stop the ,probably called obscession, depends on who you talk to, was "Thou Shalt Not Be Aware:Societies Betrayal of The Child" and OMG, I felt as if she spoke to my SOUL, the very core of my being, straight to my gut. She is a now artist and writer and had been practicing psychtherapy in Switzerland some 20 some odd yrs. She quit her practice as she refused to cooperate with the system and demands they put on her to treat the clients by.She wanted to write about what she thought was the truth in her opinion. Jeeesssshhhhhh !!!!????!!!!!????/!!!!!?????

We didn't get here overnite to the point in your life you are at this very moment. Take notice of what you ARE NOW grateful for, happy about now, sad about now, where you brought your life to til now, step back and just look. What do you want to change as you go foward. ALL at one time, is a BIG JOB and can overwelm you and everybody else involved. I was intimidated by the tons of info in life and opinions and had to detach from that. You know that saying about being but a grain of sand on a beach. I think I know what it means now. Don't be in too much of a hurry to get somewhere because you are there now, not yesterday, nor are you at tomorrow yet. There aren't any tickets for this kind of speeding to pay in the parish court house , only the one above HP.

Take what you like and leave the rest. Live and let live. Easy going HOPE THIS HELPS SOME Take some time and look inside and see what you find ! Oh, and try an experiment, to try not to compare to what anyone else thinks and see what YOU come out with

PEACE, BLESSINGS,STRENGTH, COURAGE,HOPE,FAITH,................................BE HAPPY .................YOUR SISTER IN ...........RECOVERY .........

-- Edited by d53sjurne at 19:18, 2006-05-02

-- Edited by d53sjurne at 19:20, 2006-05-02

emma · Senior Member

Dear rTX,
You are writing ... and I'm relating. I'm not sure what you've described is an occupational hazzard of being a guy ... I'm not a guy.
I'm sitting here wanting to give you some ESH ... but ... this is speaking to me -- directly.
When Lunamoth said her "sponsor asked ... once, "What's it going to take to piss you off?" " that's speaking to me, too.
What I'm struggling with is that when I talk to professionals about what I have and am experiencing they are incredulous that I am still standing, and doing so from a position of personal growth rather than fueled by anger. And then I approach others, multiple others, who are in a position to help me with certain aspects of my challenge -- so I am actually working up the nerve to take action -- and these folks tell me that others are worse off so I should not feel so bad, that I should just put up with what is going on.
And if I do get pissed off, there is an occupational hazzard of being female -- crazy emotional bitch is the usual tag, I believe. Be grateful you don't have that hanging over you in our culture.
So, for me, it's working to get to the point of detachment ... to care about what is right for me, to get to a point where my motives are coming from a point of self-love and self-respect, and that what others think is their issue, and theirs alone. So they may say/think that people are starving somewhere, that people are getting blown up in some part of the world, that some atrocity is happening to someone else -- and while my heart goes out to those people and their circumstances, that does not mean that I should allow myself to starve, or allow myself to be blown up (literally or figuratively) until my circumstances are "worthy" of being addressed. Each and every one of us deserves to live lives of dignity ... period.
I thank you for realizing that this issue is "worthy" of posting here -- because it is ... and you are. If each of us don't stand up to make our little corner of the world better, then who will? There is no good reason why any of us needs to put up with being treated badly just because others are being treated worse.
I agree with Lunamoth, that you, and each of us, are so worth it.

Lunamoth · ~*Service Worker*~

I feel I need to clarify what my sponsor meant when she asked me what it would take to "piss me off." She was trying to awaken in me the idea that things in my life were not acceptable, and hoping that I'd get a little fire in me to take action, get working on my recovery and stop making excuses. I've often posted that I try not to use the word "BUT" because that word always came after someone tried to help me. But you don't understand, but my A is really yada yada yada, but my life is different, but really it isn't that bad, but I can handle it, but there is more than just that reason for it, but, but, but, but, but,.....aahhh I'm glad I had someone who was persistant with me as I'm very hard headed.

In no way did I mean that you should fuel the anger that comes from living with or dealing with an A. I had/have anger issues too lol, but I had to get thru my denial and on to acceptance before I could even touch my anger.

D53 is right, we don't get this way in a day and so is it with our recovery, it takes time.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

i did the same thing.as if i wasn't worthy of having real problems. as bad as my life has felt to me i always thought "well, at least i have a roof over me head or i'm not starving in the desserts of africa" or whatever. and then i was sitting in an alateen meeting at a conference and one of the kids said basically the same thing while sharing about her mom and life as the kid of an active drug addict. and here i sit a "grown up"(see the quotes? lol) and i thought no way! she has a right to those feelings! but i didn't know how to express that. one of the other kids said it in the most eloquent way. she said yes you can always find someone who has it worse than you do but you are not living their life. this is your life and you have a right to have your feelings whatever they are. and the only way to get beyond those feelings is to acknowledge them and own them and decide what you want to do with them.it was so simple. i was blown away that this kid was so wise.and that it was what i needed to hear to change. i know it doesn't sound as life altering as it was but i wanted to jump up and give these kids a parade. hp is where ever we gather in his name. imagine being like 14 and having that insite!

nikkilou · Senior Member

HI,

I can so relate to this. When people ask me how are things going? I would never tell the truth when My A was active. When he had to go to rehab I could lie any more. It was out there for all to know. My family friends work. The funny thing was they all ready new the truth. They never believe me before. My dad says he new in my eyes. I do not lie anymore to cover up for him. I feel a lot better now.

Keep coming Nikkilou

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes. I do seem to remember using the phrase, "My problems pale by comparison." Simple. My worries do not compare when I think of someone who has been threatened with murder!!

No denial here...no martyrdom...no avoidance...and no need for in-depth analysis of why I or any other person would say that. In my case it was simply a true statement of fact.

If you are quoting me, I don't mind.

Best of good wishes, Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 09:21, 2006-05-03

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Diva))))

I wasn't quoting you, as you are right, that is an extreme that I hope noone can top. I am working on my rationalization (denial). I am not assessing anyone else, just saying that is a defect of mine... putting it out there. Hope I didn't offend anyone. Sure wasn't trying to.

I think it is pretty common to feel anxious or guilty about your perfectly valid emotions. As an ACOA I suffer from this on a daily basis. Could never put my finger on it before, but now I am exploring it.

Thanks to (((everyone))) for the insight!

Take care of you!

Ria · Senior Member

Hi (((rtexas)))

Sounds to me like some denial going on and I for one certainly did that! I did the rationalizing too. Whatever it takes to break through the denial is a good thing imho, it frees us to concentrate on our recovery. There is a leaflet I found particularly helpful, I think it was called 'Alcoholism, The Merry-go-round Named Denial'. There was a time when I was inclined to put other peoples problems before my own. I think it started out with a genuine desire to help another but like many of my personal characteristics it became distorted and unhealthy. In some ways it was a lack of self-esteem; their problems seemed genuinely 'worse' than mine or more pressing. In other ways it was an avoidance for me, if I was busy helping others I could avoid looking at and dealing with my own issues and then of course for me there came the people-pleasing. I did for others at the expense of myself to try to please them (and in turn make myself feel good) assuming I would get to 'my stuff' later.

When I came to Al-Anon I started addressing some of these issues. I heard someone sharing. The essence of it was that each persons problems are real and valid simply by virtue of being their own. They are no more or less important than anyone-else's. Furthermore, I personally concluded that I can acknowledge the 'bigger' problems in the world as sometimes they do help me to put mine in perspective but my responsibility is to myself and minimizing or denying my problems is not helpful to me. In looking at the 'bigger' problems others face I can also be reminded of my gratitude for what I do have. When all is said and done, I'm here because I'm sick and I'm trying to get better a day at a time, in the best way I know how.

Just my opinion on it, take what you like and leave the rest.

In love and support, x Maria x

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