Hi everyone,

I am going to my first Alanon meeting tonight. Lately I have been seeing a lot of negativity as I am trying to keep a uplifted spirit about me. In my recovery. Last night between my first and second job I received a phone call. My A letting me know he was drinking a very strong drink and "he laughed about it". It bothered me but not as much as it used too. Even after he said he would call back and never did again because it was Monday night and $5.00 cover and penny pitchers at the local bar or drinks with the people in the neighborhood. I have been detaching with the help of my HP. My boundries are in place and he knows what they are. I know that it is all up to my HP. I know I care, but not enough to go down with a sinking ship, I care for me more. For me if I stayed in that mind set I would have went back to how I used to be. I can't I deserve to be happy. I deserve not to live in the darkness of my soul again. I have come only a little ways I know I have alot further to go. But I look forward to it. I am trying to have a fresh start and a new beginning. I am not out to hurt or upset anyone just want to get well. I feel lately there has been alot of things that are wanting me to fail in this recovery. Everytime I start feeling those insecure feelings I say a little prayer, grab one of 5 books I have (lol) and know my HP is right by me walking me threw it. So for the powers that be trying to work against me in my recovery I say this to you. "I AM HERE FOR ME AND NOT ANYONE ELSE I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER." I am going to find my inner peace and my serenity, one day at a time one step at a time. I can't focus on anyone but me. All I know is I am tired of feeling like I did before. I don't want to change anyone but me. I want to make me a happier, stronger, more loving, more honest, more sincere, more humble, more gentle, more caring, more trusting, more patient, kinder, more understanding, more of all the quailities that I have hidden deep in me because I didn't want to hurt anymore.

 I am not a quiter never have been not when it comes to me. (rolling up her sleeves) So tonight I will get started on finding what is burried and has been lost all these years. I am really looking forward to it might even find me a sponcer tonight with the help of my HP.  YIPPIEEEEE.

P.S. Wallsal: thanks for all the literature links, I liked the merry go round one and the big book.

also someone (can't remember jrtjorsey, thanks for all you have done in the message boards and in the room) mentioned in the room to get "courage to change" Picked that up yesterday at the bookstore. That man went threw alot before recovery great book so far like it alot. Almost over 1/2 way done with my first book on serenity. So this gives me another one to read as I finish up that one. That is what I do for long silences in the room I am usually reading, LOL I really have forgotten how much I enjoy to read.

One day at a time,

angeleyes