The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Barbara, This is a good question, and one we all have to deal with in recovery. In my experience, most of my amends had to be to myself. Last night before I went to sleep I was thinking about myself before I was in Alanon. I had no idea there was a "me" inside, who knew what I wanted, who knew what was ok or not ok for me, who needed to be nurtured. I had abandoned her, a long long time before. I can remember asking a friend how she saw me, because I didn't know how I was! When my first sponsor suggested I make amends to myself, that meant for me to begin to live life as if I mattered, as if I had space in the world, as if it was important for me to pay attention to MY little feelings! That definitely took the focus off of someone else. I still don't do it perfectly, but my life is a lot more safe and gentle now because I took the steps. I learned to be gentler with myself by going to meetings, finding a sponsor, working the 12 steps, working, working, working them. They really work, in fact, they are miracles! Blessings and prayers, mebjk
barbara, itruly beleive,through counsiling,that not all, but some of the things we feel we should make ammends for, are actually some of the only sane thoughts weve had being co-dependants.so look closely at what you feel has been a misdead or whatever.it could have really been the deeds of a healthy person.I may be way off the mark here,but not everything we do that has made an addict uncomfortable has to be wrong&being codependant really can blur that line for us somtimes. mck
Barbara , making amends to yourself just kinda sneaks up on you , everytime you change your attitude towards someone , we gain a little more respect for ourselves ,we don't have to do what used to do,here we are learning a better way to live. and as we begin to recognise the character defects that were causing us trouble we work on them and change.
Apologizing to those we have hurt does mega good for our self esteem , get rid of the garbage is an amends. Living with out guilt and shame of our own behaivior is another way to make amends to ourselves. Going to meetings ,reading the literature and sharring what I have learned is also an amends.
I was having a really hard time yrs ago forgiving myself for the emotional neglect I put on my children when they were young and I worked really hard to repair my relationship with them starting with an amends and then changing my attitude. But is the one thing that always made me feel bad , after sharring it one day at an open meeting someone came and asked me if I though God had forgiven me ? I said yes I think he has . He looked me square in the eyes and said "THEN QUIT PLAYING GOD"
Well that got my attention !! so to me everyday that I manage to pull off being respectful to every one I meet and just accepting them as they are is an amends to myself.
I believe that first and foremost a person needs to work, and live, the previous 7 steps. To me, this is the basis of self amends. The freeing of myself to be myself and to get to know myself is the basis of being in touch with my feelings and with my needs.
Secondly, I believe that amends are consistent, honest, detailed actions, taken over a period of time with the intention and end action of changed behavior. Self amends are as simple as daily showering and meditation and as rich as sponsoring another individual. So, amends are a lifetime process. They are reflected in my thinking, decisions, re/sponses, and re/actions.
