Update and would appreciate thoughts - Al-Anon Family Group

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Update and would appreciate thoughts

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Hiya Debilyn,

I am so glad things are starting to level out for you and you get the kiddies, and all kinds too.

As far as A, Sweetie , I'd say do as your heart leads ya. Maybe ask yourself What ya wanna live with ? And see where it leads ya. And pitch the judgements.

PEACE, LOVE, COURAGE, BLESSINGS A PLENTY.......................

isabela40 · Senior Member

Hi Debilyn!

Those of us who are mothers and very nurturing towards our young have the tendency I think to extend that to others where it may be innappropriate.

I used to smother my husband I loved him so much. Always asking him if he was OK, try to make him happy, look out for him.

One day he said to me "I am a grown man and can do thigns on my own...if i need you I will ask for help and KNOW you will help...can you wait until i ask?".

WOW, that really got through to me.

Your husband knows you...knows you care...knows you are kind and compassionate...and knows if he reached out to you for help you will be there.

So...why don't you wait until he calls you?

If he does not call you, since you are separated maybe he is trying to now separate emotionally from you? Not come running to you everytime something happens to him? Try to really live without you?

I was in an eight year relationship before I got married to my current husband. When I decided to break up with him I knew it would be tough...my first step was learning to live WITHOUT him. I stopped calling him everytime I was sad, or upset for emotional support. That was SOOOOOO hard for me!!!! He was my best friend and wonderful to me and always there for me (I broke up with him as he had gotten addicted to pain killers from a car accident and refused help and was doctor shopping and really going downhill).

But I needed to do it.

So maybe that is what your husband is doing.

Breaking up is painful and hard...I know...but once the decision to separate physically is reached, the HARDER battle of emotionally splitting up is next.

I hope you can work this out for yourself debilyn. Not telling you what to do, just offering my ESH.

Love,

Isabela

PS so glad your daughter and baby are doing better.

cdb · ~*Service Worker*~

IT is great you got to see your little one and see what a good mom your daughter is :) Memories in the making :) AS far as your spouse, I sort of see where isabella is coming from. Why not wait until he calls you and enjoy the time knowing he is finally in a safe place. Take the time he is in there to focus more on you. Do things for you or just plane relax. Try to keep in touch with HP too and follow his lead one day at a time. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxo

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

debilyn,

I think with A's it is damned if you do and damned if you don't. And while we are whirling around wondering what to do and having all these feelings about them, they sit in their addiction and that's all they know. But your feelings are real. Try it this way this time and if you get better results, then it was a good decision. Isn't it great that you have your daughter and baby - what a gift.

I too am so glad the snow has stopped and the mud is drying up. The last of my kittens is playing with my computer. So cute. What a great diversion from my thoughts.

In support,

Nancy

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Debilyn))))

I am so glad to hear you and the rest are doing well, sounds great!

Just a random thought for you. My A-uncle used to use jail/prison for therapy. That sounds odd I am sure, but when things got tough and he got really toxic he made sure he was in a place where he could dry out under supervision with food and a bed....

He didn't really talk to anyone, because that was his time to get his stuff together. Like you said, your H will have access to phones, and he has postage paid envelopes.

Do you feel like you need to contact him for you, or for him?

Take care of you (give your daughter and baby a big hug and play with the chicks!)

leo · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn,

If you feel like your heart is not ready to give up with your A husband I suggest that you write to him instead of visiting. Remember this is still the same person who physically assaulted you. The man you love is somewhere inside and you may still be able to reach him by putting your thoughts on paper. Remember your well being comes first. Luv Leo xx

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi ((Debilyn))

Your grandbaby sounds wonderful! I'm so glad you get this time to enjoy both your daughter and him.

Not sure what to say on the A issue, I'd trust that the right answer for me would come when it was supposed to. Until then do your best not to kick yourself for not knowing what you really want to do.

Take care of yourself!

Jennifer

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

wow you guys are all so awesome. I mean that. You said things I never thought of. I do like the thoughts of he is there alone with his addicition. He has to figure that one out.

Yes his body is a grown man, sadly his mind is not. That Da** brain surgery and Aism took care of that. But the fact he is a grown man tells me i have to allow him the respect to leave him alone. The night before court he would not come to the phone to talk to me.

I know that was his disease. I know he knew he had to kick when he got into jail. He would have had to tell me, which would make him all the more nervous. Alway seemed like when he told me what he was doing, or where he was at, made him feel worse. I never asked him, he learned to see I did not judge. In fact I would say,"What makes you believe I need to know this?"

I cannot "break up" with him. It is not possible. Been involved with him ALL my life, literally. 36 years we have been. Plus I am a Jehovahs Witness, I truly follow the Bible. It is very clear, I am not free to remarry and or divorce unless he commits adultery, or dies. He is not a cheater, never has been, ever.

I know you did not say I should. I am explaining I am not doing that. I have gone thru the horrible realization of the situation , and it brought me to the ground sobbing years ago. And it has hit me a lot since then. Believe me I am over that bs. No longer have any illusions of happy ever after. No more mr. and mrs. Bumble. I do miss bumbling around with him building a new pig house or painting a house, or watching tv holding hands.

We were growing old together. He got more wrinkles, I got softer. lol But we still adored each other and our bodies and hearts sure did not care.

This is part of our together. NOTHING can break us up except death. His or mine. As we even were together when my first husband died. He supported me in every way. We have been thru so so much.

His brother died in my arms, he was so messed up with H he could not handle it. He helped me bury numerous animals.

but you know, Isabela you helped me becuz of what i just said. HE and I have been thru so much, this is just another ephisode.

And I also liked, give him a chance to make the first step. And do it different this time.

Yes what do I want to live with? I want to always be part of his life. I want to know he is ok somewhere.

thank you, yes he knows me. He knows i am mellow and kind and love rocks even. OH and old stumps. I do. I treated him so well. He treated me well too. I have told you so many times, one time he came home with his WHOLE work van full of plants and flowers for me. He built me a nice barn and cat room and pig houses and put in windows everywhere and every room in my home has a windowed door. I have three sliders in my home!

I need the outside in....(c: He wanted to please me so much, he did and more. I loved that man. He folded cloths and put my unders on his head, then he would pull his sweats almost up to his neck and be funny. He used to make a tent out of a blanket with him and grandson Tiger in it, and his dog Max.

I wish I could live with him but no way. I will not chance being hurt anymore.

I am persuing spell? his SS and hope to get him an income to have a place of his own. I am in control of his money. He cannot do it.

Thank you so much. and remember to trust hp, cdb. yes. believe it or not, I have not prayed for A stange. not lately anyway.

I again, looked at the horse feedlot. sigh. There is a horse who has a hurt back/neck. He needs massage, phys therapy, warm packs, love feed etc. I want him so bad. I am still here. I am still needing to do some kind of therapy work. Please pray hp will allow me him.

I need this for me. so bad. love and many thanks, debilyn

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all debilyn, your daughter sounds like a great mom, and this is something to be thankful for and treasure. I know you do. Your pride shows through your post.

As for the hubby...only you can make the decision how to handle this concern. All I can say is that my positive thoughts and prayers are with you, and I know your faith will lead you to the right choice.

With great caring, Diva

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

thank you Diva! I really learned so much so far.

yes I agree. I decided I am a friend as the Bible says. ok, now i agree with just write about the baby, our son, the place here.

Not be serious at all. Basically pretend everything is ok. Which it is really. I don't have to focus on the serious. He really needs light.

This mip is awesome eh? much love to you too Diva, I really was hoping you would have something totally wild to say lol like hey don't visit or write the jerk, he needs to be as miserable as possible. don't enable him....haha true though eh?He will still be miserable, but know the world is going on

Becky1 · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, I know what you mean about your husband, I will never leave mine either. But, while we were separated, which was his choice, I used the time alone to work on myself. And, tho it was painful at times, I believe God gave me that time, as a gift. I was able to read and learn things I could not have done with my A here. It opened new doors for me. I decided not to call or write to my A, and let him have a little control and reach out to me for a change.

It took him a while, but when he did, it felt really good to me. He is so stubborn! Just the fact that I was able to wait and not get ahold of him first, and he finally did it, was the beginning of the healing we needed.

Sorry you have so much to deal with. Glad your daughter is such a good mom (guess she had a good role model!) and that you could enjoy grandson. Bet he's a cutie.

My prayers will be with you, Debilyn.

Love in Recovery,

Becky1

Jill · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Debilyn, in my experience it doesn't matter if you go visit, wait for him to contact you or something between. For me, these options give me the illusion of control. I can decide how to behave toward him, but it's immaterial who makes the first move. Sometimes I have this strong urge to contact my a - and to this day I don't know if it's my inner voice or obsession. I'll say the same about not contacting him. It is not important. I'm encouraging you to do what you feel moved to do. I know you'll treat him in the manner your highest self guides, and that is what I think is important. It will leave you with respect for him and for yourself. That is my wish for you, whether you reach out to him or decide it's his turn to reach. My confidence is in you and your strength. All the best to you --- Jill

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

OK Debilyn...here it comes...Something truly wild...Don't visit or write the jerk!!!! Good advice if you do say so yourself...LOL!!!

Love to ya, Diva

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Now THAT is the Diva I know and love! lol

Yea I agree. love,debilyn

isabela40 · Senior Member

Hi Debilyn,

I never made mention of or suggested that you get a divorce. However I do want to bring out that Jehovah's Witnesses CAN get a separation OR a divorce and do nothing wrong...if that is what you need to protect yourself legally, emotionally, financially or physically. For instance...if you have a spouse who is abusive to you and your children, or financially irresponsible, a separation does not always fully protect you from them and their bad choices. I have heard of addicted husbands selling furniture and needed items from the home for drugs. Unless you are divorced, your spouse has full right to sell these things without your permission. A loving God would not want an innocent spouse and children to be driven into the ground financially and the children left without a proper home and/or support. A loving God also does not want a family to be living with the threat and/or experience of emotional and physical harm.

A christian marriage is also not meant to be haven, or front ,for illegal activity, such as physical abuse, dealing or using drugs. The bible says that divorcing your spouse AND marrying another, when adultery has not been committed, is what is wrong. Not the simple act of a divorce (or separation) to protect you and/or your children from emotional, physical, and financial harm.

The Bible allows for a separation...which is what you say have at this time. A separation means living apart...and all that is involved in it. When you are separated, you are SEPARATED, as in not involved in each other's lives. You are living separate and apart. You separated for a reason, and usually when you follow the bible and take marriage seriously...it is for a VERY GOOD reason.

When I was separated from my husband...well...I was SEPARATED. I changed the locks, he could not come and go as he pleased. In fact, I NEVER allowed him to come into the home...after all I separated to get away from him and his abuse. My husband and I separated for unbearable emotional abuse. He was working, paying all bills, did not beat me up, but I knew that a loving God would not want me to allow myself to be so beaten down with emotional abuse that daughter and I were so depressed we could barely get out of bed. My husband yelled and screamed at us so harshly and so full of hate that we felt shell shocked. We could barely get through the day. My daughter had IBS and other health problems so severe I had to homeschool her!

As soon as my husband left I changed the locks. I took the serious step of separation for a reason, to get away from his and his abuse. He did not like it, but too bad. I did not even allow him to run his stupid mouth about his complaints. We barely talked at all and when he got nasty, I hung up on him. We spoke very briefly about what I considered his reasonable share of expenses and told him if he did not pay up on his own and ON TIME I would file for divorce to force him.

By this time he was missing me and family life. He paid every cent I told him and and then some. He began to really show he was repentent. He respected the distance I put between us. He did little things to show his willingness to change, but still respect my boundaries. For instance, he would get up at the crack of dawn to shovel my driveway in the morning, before I woke up. He began to call me and be very pleasant, polite, respectful. Slowly we developed a new way of communicating. If I mentioned I needed something, he would often buy it and leave it hanging on my doorknob.

After six months of this, he asked to come home. I was not really ready, but our daughter missed him, so I conceeded. Things have been very different since. I am convinced most of it was since I showed him I meant business, that I would not allow him to treat me and our marriage with such disrespect, that our marriage license was not a license and permission for abuse. He made all of these changes while still actively drinking heavily. He has never gone to any type of recovery program.

Please don't misrepresent Jehovah's Witnesses Bible based beliefs...

Jehovah's Witnesses follow the Bible and the Bible allows for a TOTAL separation and ultimately, if things are really bad, a divorce if that is the only means of legal protection for you. If your husband is doing drugs in the home and you don't report him, you can lose custody of your children and your home. In such case a divorce would be needed to protect yourself legally from any prosecution should he be caught. The only thing you can't do biblically is REMARRY, unless either spouse has committed adultery.

So, if you are still having contact with your spouse, handling his money, etc. continuing any kind of relationship with him it is because it is YOUR CHOICE, not because you are "forced to" as you claim you are a Jehovah's Witness.

Debilyn, it is for these types of reasons that specific religions are discouraged from being mentioned in alanon. Because these types of misunderstandings often errupt.

People make personal choices which might not be good, then try to validate them by claiming that it is due to their religion, and that gives people the wrong impression about that particular religion.

I suggest that you take personal responsibility for your personal choices and stop trying to imply that they are forced on you by your religion, which does not even teach what you claim, that you are saddled to a drug addict and the misery they bring for life...just because you married them before they were addicted.

My heart goes out to you since you so CLEARLY love your husband and want so much to be with him, but can't due to his addiction. But again, this is your choice.

I am not judging you. I can relate. I still love my husband very much despite the fact that he is an active very seriously alcoholic. However, I am still agreeable to continuing in the marriage since he still works and supports the family, is faithful, does not physically abuse me, and has stopped emotionally abusing me. I take responsiblity for my own personal choices and freely admit this is MY choice, to stay married to an active alcholic. However, I still can change my mind at any time and at that time I will still take responsilibity for my choices.

On a final note...in my opinion and experience you an never be 100% sure that a spouse is not cheating on you, especially if they are not living with you and addicted to drugs or alcohol. This is more likely if they are fully functional in that area. Both alcohol and drugs seriously lower inhibitions and many addicts will go to any lengths...even selling themselves...to get their drug of choice. Especially when they have no means of income...

Just consider this...you may not be as saddled to him as you think...

Prayers for you in your pain and confusion about what to do with a man you love so much...

Love,

Isabela

d53sjurne · Senior Member

Rite On, You Go GIRLS AWSOME POSTS !!!

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((((((Debilyn))))))))))))),

Well dear lady, I certainly don't have all the answers for you. But I know one thing for certain, you are not a mess, or crazy, or even remotely insane. A little confused maybe, not any of the rest.

You are a kind, wonderful, loving human being, and of course it is natural to still have some feelings for your A. Listen to your innervoice, and HP. If you feel like going to see him, then do it. If you don't, then don't. Remember he will interpret the visitation or nonvisitation in any way he likes, that suits him best at that moment. Like last night, my A slipped and I didn't feel like sleeping in the same room with him. So I didn't. Now he can take that as nothing was wrong at all, or he can take it as I was annoyed with his drinking. It's his choice. I just didn't feel like putting up with his snoring. This morning he his feeling guilty about it. So be it.

I'm glad you have the family around you, and your beautiful eden. Take time to stop and smell the roses. Relish in your surroundings. Be still and let your heart think. All will be well.

Love and blessings to you and your family, and all the critters at Potter's Eden.

Live strong,
Karilynn

TLC2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello my dear friend! You asked for opinions, so here goes: A- I'm 100% sure that he knows how much you love him! B- he knows you are always there for him! C- he knows what a wonderful, caring person you are!

Remember once I said that his going to jail might be HP's way of helping you both? In my mind, one of his many addictions, is you, and vise-versa. Maybe you both know that you both need a break to get your own selves together? I imagine he is dealing with quite a lot at the moment, coming down off the drugs and booze..maybe he needs time to come down off his addiction to you? To learn to stand up for himself and be a man?

I don't want to hurt your feelings in any way, HP knows! you've had enough hurt in your lifetime!! You are such a loving, caring person, I know you want to jump in and take care of him, go see him, but, maybe...staying away would be kinder?? Maybe that is what he really needs to 'hit his bottom'?

He knows you are always willing to 'be there' for him. Maybe he needs this time to 'grow up' on his own? I don't know if any of this will make sense to you, and I hope I haven't hurt your feelings, but maybe this is HP's way of letting you both heal your wounds for awhile?

I have read your posts for quite awhile now, and feel I know you through them. Look back, Debilyn. How many times have you given in to your love for him, and as a result, have been terribly hurt? You just start to enjoy your Eden and your wonderful animals, and POOF! it all comes tumbling down from something he has done that has hurt you so very badly. You have your daughter and grandson there with you, to love and enjoy. Take a little holiday from worrying about your A.He's in good hands and probably where he should be right now. Look on this as a holiday that your HP has blessed you with, and enjoy!! Love and prayers, TLC

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