The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello! I came by to wish everyone a peaceful holiday season. This is my first holiday season as a Former spouse of an alcoholic and I am feeling the great pleasure and luxury of a life that is not driven by the need to fix/control/accommodate the Q in my life.
As I type this, I'm getting ready for bed after a long and wonderful day with my family of origin. We are close, and we are functional, and we are happiest when we are together. My kids are with their dad (per our parenting agreement). Even though he has the kids with him, he has been busy posting on social media all about his victim stance, AND sending me nasty emails. I sense that he's having some trouble with the idea that he's in the holiday season now and I'm not there to make it happen for him. I learned that he still wears his wedding ring. He alternates his communication with me quite regularly between nice and nasty, and this is a nasty week.
I've chosen to respond to nothing other than communication relating to the mechanical needs of children.
One thing I've learned in 2021 that has been life altering for me - is that I have choices. When I was married to my Q, I literally forgot I had choices. It makes my skin crawl now, thinking of it, but I consider it one of the cardinal realizations of my adult life. When I was married, I felt that his alcoholism was my alcoholism. His problems were mine. His faults were mine. Being married people, I just accepted that we were one unit. This was one of the most lethal misconceptions I've ever held. I am deeply grateful to Al-anon and my therapist for helping me to learn that I could still salvage my life.
I just spent the evening bingewatching a tv series with my 89 yr old mother. This is something we could NEVER have done with my exH around. In fact, since. my divorce was finalized, I've lost track of the number of things that "could never have been done with my ex around". So many quality time moments with people I love, and who love me back. As absolutely horrible as the first 3/4 of 2021 was, the last quarter has been close to magical.
My holiday wish for everyone on this board is for you to find peace. Carve out a space for yourself in which to care for yourself. No one else (even your kids) will give that to you. You must claim it.
The holiday season can be very emotionally hard. I know mine were first relief, then the next year sadness, then the next relief, and now mostly gratitude. What you typed about being married... about how you viewed the alcoholics problems are your problems - that hit me to my core. I completely understood those sentences. I also tend to agree that it was a lethal misconception for me too!! Like you, I could not (and still can't) go NC due to kid... but you hare handling the ups and downs of "nasty week" well IMHO. Keep up the Al-Anon work, and enjoy those wonderful moments with your mom!!!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Aloha Fedora and family and thank you for knocking and entering my mind, body, spirit and emotions. So very magical and wonderful that we have learned to do that as the consequences result in blessing that results in ease and smiles and continued home. I am responsible and also hold my spouse to being responsible for her outcomes while I also use empathy with her when it doesn't seem to be working. I use to feel sympathy like I did for sick patients of the pass but with working the program my responses have resolved to letting her fully earn her outcomes and smiles. I know how to read body language and verbal language as I have learned to read my own and then I accept outcomes that appear like blessings. Blessings are agreements from HP that when and if I use the steps as directed my heart and spirit settle on to calmness and the noises go away. Our literature helps soooo much so I read it daily and come here to share with you all about your ESH. Thank you Fedora and family. ((((hugs))))
