The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change discusses the suggestion that we pray for those we have resented. The author found this difficult at first, but eventually learned to stop praying that other people would change, and instead pray that the other person be given the serenity, love, and joy that we want for ourselves -- and to pray for the wisdom to know "what I can change" and the courage to follow through on that.
Today's Reminder: "Resentments mark the places where I see myself as a victim. I want to let them go because they cost me too much self-esteem. I will love myself enough to release myself from the closet in which resentments keep me locked."
Quote from How Can I Help My Children: "If we want to stop the vicious cycle of unhappiness, we must learn new ways of living, new ways of relating to each other."
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Reading this page reminded me of that night in a meeting when I first heard the slogan "Bless Them, Change Me." At the time, I was angry and resentful of my alcoholic spouse, plus one or two other relatives that I resented. I did not see how I could "bless" them. I was willing to say "_____ them, change me" and fill in the blank with a not-very-nice word.
By working the program, I have evolved. Now I can see the wisdom of wishing for another person to have the serenity and joy that I wish for myself. After all, if they become serene, truly loving (a.k.a. not controlling), and joyful -- then most likely they will behave in ways that I find lovable. The behaviors I resent come from their lack of serenity, love, or joy.
This holiday season, I made living amends to a relative that I'd resented for a long time, by sending them a holiday card -- which I hadn't done for several years as a boundary for myself. But I no longer need that boundary, so I sent them good wishes, and I happily received a card from them. I changed me, and blessed them. That's how (slowly, gradually) releasing resentment has worked for me.
MIP friends, have you been able to pray for someone you resent?
Forgiveness is one of the "practice, practice, practice" principles I learned early on and continue to work on a daily basis or accept that I will loose my sanity and spirit if I don't. I love the outcome when it comes naturally and easily for me and I appreciate the gratitude I feel. I do not like the outcome when I loose it and have to struggle my way back to forgiving myself and others and until I hear that warm hum return to my spirit and mind.
I have been working often daily to find it and feel it with a "thank you God" at the end. I always look for ESH from this from our fellowship and with peaceful gratitude.
Thank you FT for your service and for all the great ESH above. I only became aware of this saying, bless them and change me, in my last year or so of recovery. It took me aback, the first time I heard it, but it fits in with everything I'm learning in this program. One of the ways I practice this pertains to my driving on NY highways, always a challenge! I see many unsafe and/or dangerous drivers on my journeys. I'm always grateful if they pass me, and I wish them a very safe drive to their destination. I used to utter some not very wonderful things! And I really do wish them a safe trip....
