The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi I'm new to all this. I found this forum through Google. I have not been to a meeting yet. I'm hoping to go in the next couple of weeks. I am living with my alcoholic boyfriend of 5 years. The first year was good but it has been downward spiraling since. He drinks from the moment he wakes up to the moment he goes to sleep. He hardly eats any food throughout the day and is drunk all day. He didn't drink this much until these past 2-3 years. He yells at me a lot for various reason like why is the microwave ding so loud. If he is asleep and hears the microwave door or ding he gets up and is on a rampage for 30 - 45 min. He yells at me for a lot of different reasons but mainly because me and the dog make too much noise. At first I would defend myself but that would turn into a day long argument. Now I just say I'm sorry the microwave noise was loud and leave it at that. I won't argue or engage in his yelling. I don't know what else to do. I just sit their and let him yell and yell. Then he gets mad at me for ignoring him. I tell him I'm not ignoring him but I am done with arguing. At this point I'm not sure if what I'm doing is helping or harming. I do feel lost I feel like the person I was 5 years ago is not the person I am today. I'm incredibly unhappy and alone in this house even tho he is here. I don't talk to anyone about him I feel embarrassed that he yells at me so much no matter where we are in public or at home. He is always mad at me for being noisy. I walk around the house in socks so I don't make noise. I gently close doors to not bother him. I tiptoe around just so I don't set him off. I'm miserable. I do love him but sometimes I think I'm in love with the man I first met not the man that he is now. I'm sorry such a long post. This is the first time I speak to anyone about what is happening at home.
Thank you for allowing me to post.
Newgirl, welcome -- you are not alone. Many of us here have lived with an alcoholic loved one, and you will meet more of us when you get to some Al-Anon meetings. You are already doing great by not engaging or arguing with a drunk person. And you are doing great by reaching out for help.
In my experience, there is nothing lonelier than living with an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, that's why our loved ones get worse. We didn't cause them to drink, can't control it, and can't cure it. But we can take care of ourselves and break out of our isolation.
You deserve to be safe and happy. I can't tell you exactly what to do, but just to take the next right step. Keep reaching out to Al-Anon because we understand and won't judge. This is how I gradually was able to figure out what I could do to improve my well-being.
Hello to you new girl--You are in the right place because many things you wrote are similar to my experience, especially losing the person you thought you had, or maybe did have for a short amount of time. Some of us stay with our A's and some of us don't. That is a decision only you can make. I was pressuring myself to leave, got involved with alanon, and realized because I was so miserable and upset, it was not the right time to make any major decision. I'm still with my A spouse, 30 yrs now! This program has taught me how to love and take care of myself. I applaud you for reaching out and if you give yourself the gift of this program, you can feel better and stronger and then make any decisions you wish to. I say this often, but I resigned from the doormat club! Keep coming back.
{{NewGirl1717}} welcome to MIP and agree with FT that you are not alone.
IN AL-ANON WE LEARN: Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people; Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interest of another's recovery; Not to do for others what they could do for themselves; Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up, pay bills, not drink; Not to cover up for anyone's mistakes or misdeeds; Not to create a crisis; Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events. Remember that blaming is not the answer it is the disease! The disease = insanity there is no way to fight it. The Alcoholic must not be in denial, you cannot control the Alcoholic. You must learn to live your own life. You must learn to find peace and love from within yourself not from others. You must rely on God. Detachment is far more compassionate and respectful than the unfeeling distancing or the compulsive involvement many of us have practiced in the past, for when we detach with love, we accept others exactly as they are.
Detachment with love allows us to hate the disease of alcoholism, yet step back from that disease in order to find love for the alcoholic. For some of us, this love was apparent all along. For others, love may be the last emotion we would associate with the alcoholic. Those of us who grew up in an abusive alcoholic environment may be hard pressed to summon any love for the alcoholics we have known.
Getting to a local face to face meeting would be a wonderful step in the right direction for you indeed.
Please keep coming back, there is hope!!
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Reading your words reminds me of the feelings I had before I found ALanon: worn down, uncertain, sad, desperately frustrated, and increasingly angry that nothing I tried seemed to help.
Alanon helped me find a new perspective and different approach to the challenges I faced...I heard that I didn't Cause it, can't Cure it, can't Control it...I found hope again, and I found peace.
It took me awhile but it worked so well I have stuck around to find that it has helped me with other relationships and challenges, too.
Hope you hang around with us, read, jump in and share if you feel like it.
In Alanon meetings there is often a closing that I still find comforting:
"Whatever your problems there are those among us who have had them, too. If you try to keep an open mind you will find help. You will come to realize that there is no situation too difficult to be bettered and no unhappiness too great to be lessened."
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
