The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change describes how doing a Fourth Step inventory helped someone discover who they truly are, and to decide what behaviors they want to keep or to change. Previously, they did not know their own wants and needs, and could not distinguish between acceptable and unacceptable behavior, so they could not create boundaries. Now they have new ways, and have learned that it is not important to announce their boundaries to others, only to know their own limits and act accordingly.
Today's Reminder: "I will remember that knowing my boundaries does not mean forcing others to change; it means that I know my own limits and take care of by respecting them. The focus, today, is on me."
Quote: "He that respects himself is safe from others; he wears a coat of mail that none can pierce." -- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
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When I came across this page, I noticed that it is one of the few pages in my book where I have underlined sentences. I rarely write in my Al-Anon books -- only when something is a really big AHA! moment for me.
Since coming to Al-Anon and seriously working the program, I too have discovered "me" and gained self-respect, which I previously was lacking. I have found it is OK to be true to myself -- and that doing so doesn't have the bad consequences I used to fear. I can recognize my assets and not feel that I am bragging. I know I have shortcomings, but I can work on them one day at a time. And I know that I cannot force others to change.
MIP friends, have you done a Fourth Step inventory, and what do you think about it?
Thank you FT for your service, today's reading and ESH.
I looked back, to see what I wrote the first time I worked Step 4, this is what I said:
Step 4
I believe everyone needs are undoubtedly different, our lives are all different, so it makes sense to me that our needs would be different as well. I always believed that everyone has the propensity to be caring and humane, maybe because we are all Gods children, but especially those individuals who had to experience great trials and have come through them .... those individuals (like MIP Service Workers and Senior Members) have and do give so much. I like to think that I expect goodness from people first and do not place people in minority categories based on class, ethnicity, religion, etc. I believe that if I get stuck in a bad thought pattern or situation then I am not being honest with myself about the situation, and if I am stuck it is usually because I am afraid, afraid to be alone, afraid to be wrong, whatever the reason and that is where the spiritual inventory comes into play for me. It has sent me down different paths, that have opened my eyes to some of these fears that were simply unfounded and cleared my mind so that I can reap the benefits of just enjoying me and learning from my difficulties. I have not mentioned AH, because I have moved, emotionally so far past AH and his decisions to drink at this point, it has, for the first time in 13 years become extremely comfortable for me to know that I can rely on myself now and have the tools to be able to not allow AH to hurt me anymore.
{{HUGS}}
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thanks FT for your service and for above ESH. I appreciate all of what you both shared because that is my experience too. I've come from severely disliking myself to liking many things about me. This change came because of my work with Betty and doing step 4 a number of times. The first time I did the steps I approached step 4 with fear and trepidation--all I could come up with for my inventory was shame, fear, embarrassment, etc. Betty helped me to see the good along with what needed changing. I'm so grateful I was able to work with her for close to 7-8 years. She launched me into this program and I've never been the same--thank God! My spouse resents some of my changes but oh well. I resigned from the doormat club, Amen.
Thank you Freetime for your service and great share. Deb and Lyne - insightful writings on your 4th Step journeys! Thank you!
I begrudgingly did my first Step 4 - because my spouse was the one with the problem, right? After that, I thought I was done with this business. Sadly, that was not the case.
Years later, when I left my spouse, I was so traumatized by it all, that someone suggested that I get the 4th Step workbook and utilize that to do another 4th Step. So that I could truly "delve into the exercise, not just do a cursory run-through." I am glad I did. This was invaluable! I have always been so concerned by what my spouse wanted/needed, what my kid needed, what my parents expected of me, what society expected of me, I never once considered what it was that I truly wanted... nay, what I truly needed in my life! I found out that above all else, I needed to feel safe and secure. That workbook helped me to see what was important to me & that I was/would not get it from an addicted life-partner. Knowing myself deeply & understanding the dynamics/biological effects of addiction helped me make good choices for my life moving forward.
Since then, I have done 2 other 4th Steps! Each time, another layer of the onion that is me was revealed!
When I feel stuck, I go back to Step 4. It seems to work for me.
TGIF, MIP Family! I hope that you all make it a great one!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
HI, everyone, before I start my sharing, I wanted to ask about something that I heard the other day. People were talking about how they meditated, and someone mentioned about Tapping. Could someone explain what that means, also when I see some of the abbreviations in the sharings, I don't understand what they mean, like ESH, MIP, etc.Please.
When I read the sharings on the 4th Step, I thought to myself of what it was like for me to do, how I felt, and how it has changed me. I did my first big one with an AA person. I had always wanted to do it, but it was after I was talking to one of my AA friends about doing the 4th Step, and he said that he could always tell if someone had done their 4th Step. So I asked him why and how. He went on to say that they had Humility, after thinking about it for awhile, I really liked that Idea. For me, Humility means Peace of Mind, and being in tune with myself.
After I finished doing it, I was so exhausted, but the relief that I felt was unbelievable, I knew I felt and was different. After that my recovery took a knew turn, I started to learn about me, and who I wanted to become. To make myself a friend to me, as I had always was so very hard on myself, still am sometimes. From an early age I had to develop strength of character, to be strong, to survive my childhood, and to go on and live my life the way it was. I went on to graduate an awful lot in that direction, blocked out all the pain, as well as the joy.
So by the time I was given Al-Anon, my feelings, were frozen hard. Wendy didn't exist, I was going through the motions of living. But my God, Al-Anon, and all my friends that I have made in Al-Anon and others that have been placed in my life since then, has changed all of that. I have worked so hard to get where I am today, and so very grateful for all the help that I have received along the way.
Someone once asked me, "Who do you want to be?" I keep that in mind to the best of my ability each day, that is my focus. I live by the 10th Step, I keep a good check on myself and my Serenity, if I lose that, then I know where to go and what to do. Most of the Steps come into being once more, but because I am changing so much, the good and the challenges I find about myself, each time I go back to them, I find something more to learn, and practice.
Today, each day, I try to be my own best friend, and proud of who I have/am becoming. As I have learnt the hard way, that I can't show love, and love others, until I can love myself. That is the best thing that this program has given me.
Hi Wendy, thank you for sharing! I also like the concept of "who do you want to be?" My challenge has always been to separate that from what I thought others wanted me to be. It was hard to read other people's minds, and even harder to read my own
On the abbreviations -- ESH is Experience, Strength, and Hope. MIP is this website -- Miracles in Progress. On Tapping, I hope someone else will chime in, as I have a general idea what it is but others who practice it could explain better. Thank you for the reminder that we all should feel included, so I will try to remember to spell things out more often.
Hi Freetime, thank you for letting me know that, with the Tapping, I, too, think I know, but might be wrong, so that is why I asked to see if I was right.
