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I am at a desparate point now. Things are starting to get hostile at home w/my AH. He started his new job last Mon. Wed & Thurs he didn't come home. He showed Fri around 4pm smelling like rotten butt & mud (he had mud on his pants & boots - I think he must have gone to work - job in construction). He was asleep in his recliner fully clothed & reaking.
I woke him up around 6:30 & told him to take a shower & get in the bed. So he did shower but came back downstairs only to fuss at me an hour or so later b/c I couldn't "Control" our daughter. She is 3-1/2 yo and she only acts that way when he is home. My 12-1/2 yo son seems to think she is trying to get her dad's attn. He is such a smart boy. I asked my AH what he thought I should do and he couldn't offer any suggestions, just stomped off upstairs & got in the bed. She calmed down shortly after that & we had a pleasant rest of the night.
AH slept the day away Sat & woke up so he could go to his 1st AA meeting w/his mom @ 6:30. He didn't tell me his plans (his mother let me know) and I didn't tell him I knew where he was going. Well, a lot of good that meeting did for him. He left the meeting when it was over & didn't show back up at home until 10:30 Sun night. Off smoking more crack I guess.
He woke up this morning & fussed at me for several things, got comfortable in his recliner & I left for work w/the kids. I reckon he didn't go into work today. He is in such a foul mood all the time & it is b/c of the drugs. Right now I am desperate to get out of the marriage. I can't stand to be in the same house as him. I am starting to feel a bit anxious.....like a pot on the stove getting ready to explode. My urgency is building.
I feel like I am beating my head against a wall though. I don't what steps to take to get the ball rolling on leaving him. I guess I need to contact a lawyer to make sure I take the appropriate steps to protect myself & the kids. Both of our names are on the 1st & 2nd mortgage. I can't just leave....abondon it. I have to get the house sold. Can't do that until he gets the air handler completely installed. Scared to call someone in to finish his unfinished job b/c he would get very mad at me.
Can anyone offer any advice on how I should proceed. I want a divorce. I want full custody of the kids. I want out & never want to see him ever again. I know will be impossible b/c of the kids but this man has used & abused our relationship for 13 years. I am tired of his drinking, druggin & womanizing. Help - advice needed.
I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a tough choice. When my A and I were separated I sought out legal counsel. I went through a referral agency to give me a family law attorney. My situation was much easier because I'm not married to my "a" and the house is in my name. The attorney was helpful in explaining the laws in my state around custody, visitation, etc. I'm sure for a consultation fee you can find out what steps have to be taken first.
Everyone told me to have a plan A,B, and C. Just in case things fell apart. I don't see that you'll have a problem with gaining full custody, just from a safety standpoint no judge would argue that. You may even be able to get restricted visitation with a third party to supervise the contact. Not sure about the laws in your state. From a CPS standpoint, they would advise supervised visitations because he's still activly using. Research what you have to do and take one step at a time. If this is your choice HP will guide you to make the decisions you have to make. Good luck and keep us posted so we can continue to support you.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. This doesn't have a lot to do with Alanon, but I can tell you that when I got divorced from my first wife, I pretty much gave up on getting anything out of the marriage, material things. That is what happened. I virtually had to start all over again after the divorce was final -- I did -- and it all worked out even though it was tough at first. Sometimes you just have to let go and forget about all the "things" and money. I had to ask myself if those things were more important than getting out and the marriage, and they were not. One thing I wish I had done differently was to make sure that I retained a good attorney -- the one I had was less than helpful. I certainly wish you the best and hope that whatever decisions you make are the right ones for you!
Take Juster's advice--get a good attorney. The one I have for my custody case with my kids is not helping me much!!! Please ask around and get some names. Many times you can meet with them and discuss things before you have to decide whether to use them or not, others (maybe the better ones) do charge consultation fees.
I would also suggest starting your own savings account, one he doesn't know about, if you haven't already done so. I know it is hard--if you have a life anything like mine there isn't anything to go into a savings account, but a little here or there will be helpful in the long run.
Good luck to you. I am sorry things are so difficult! Take care of yourself and your kids -you all are the most important things!
One thing I sometimes find helpful when I am feeling 'stuck' - really think about how real are the barriers that are keeping me from what I want or need?
I know I often (less often now, with alanon) get into a negative mind frame - "I can't do this because of this, I can't do that because of that...." Sometimes those things are real, and I have to accept that they are things I cannot change. Sometimes however, I am making mountains our of molehills, and when I approach the subject with an air of "How can I get what I want ?" rather than "Oh, can't do this, can't do that" they just dissolve away. I agree with others - talk to a lawyer, and get some information. Then, with that, you can decide on the next baby step. Some of the fears you are having may turn out to not be problems at all.
Desperation is not a place to be. A well thought out A, B and C plan is best. talk with an atttorney, banker,realtor, family services,and food bank, get all your ducks in a row and take back your power! Set up a plan, talk with friends, get yourself a local support system while all this goes on. Men from AA are great, they like to make ammends!! LOL You are my Queen of Stength, I give you the Power, you are a survivor.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 23:40, 2006-05-01
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Thanks to everyone for all of the advice. I am lucky to find that my family & my husband's family are in support of me. My sister found a phone number for Legal Aid here in the county that helps women w/free legal advice, finding out how to go about getting out of their sticky situations. Only problem: they are all doing a fundraiser this week and are unavailable until next Monday. I will give them a call then. They should be able to tell me what steps to take. Maybe they will even be able to recommend a lawyer that specializes in this type of situation.
My husband went to his 2nd NA meeting last night. He didn't tell me he was going or where he had been when he got home. But he was in a better mood upon his return than he was upon his departure. So that is good. Recovery or no recovery, I still plan on leaving. He has used me as a door mat for entirely too long. Drinking, drugs & women. I had turned a blind eye to it all until the drugs came to light. Once I was able to admit to myself that he was actually using crack, everything else became clearer too. I have al-anon and all of you wonderful folks here to thank for that.
I am feeling much better today than yesterday. I even managed to get up the nerve to ask my husband for the kids birth certificates out of his gun safe. He was suspicious as to why I wanted them but handed them right over to me right along w/our marriage license & certificate. I managed a peak into the safe too - it was pretty much empty. I figure he has sold all of his prized gun collection for his addiction. Too bad.
Thanks again everyone. (((everyone))) Y'all help me through every day.
