The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the last time i posted here..my ex boyf. "A" was on the run after leaving the country... when he was gone 3 days i had gotten sooo many voicemails telling me he was alone and had lost the guy he was travelling with, he said he had no money, no food, sleeping on the streets, he had been in hospital and they had discharged him etc...
i felt in my heart for him... and i sent him on credit to his phone...over 20 dollars worth and i was in the process of wiring him on 60 dollars extra to get a train to a rehab centre near where he was.
that evening i rang his phone 35 times in an hour time frame... no answer..convinced he was dead!
i rang for the final time that night and his "buddy" answered the phone..out of it..i roared at him to get my "A"..when my "A" came on the phone...he sounded all weird and sleepy... i started screaming at him...saying "why in the f**king hell did u tell me u had lost ur mate when he just answered your phone?" he said "oh he found me"...yea right...as if...
i remained on the phone for another 3 mins..where i screamed and roared at him..telling him how f**ked up and twisted he was...how he's gonna wind up dead before his 26th birthday... how he contiues to manipulate me and use me..when he feels like it... and how im always the one to come running to his rescue....i said.."u have no intention of goin down to that rehab... do u... u just want to run around with ur f**ed up delinquent friends... and wind up dead!
i hung up the phone. im still mad and angry... angry at how he manipulated ME AGAIN... and how he doesnt give a s**t.... about me...or my feelings. he can go to hell. if he was standing in front of me..i would have battered me to a pulp.
i continue to be confused..hurt..angry...and mad...mostly mad at myself for putting myself in that position again...
i havent heard anything from him in over 5 days... he cud be anywhere...dead even...
if i didnt have you guys..i would be lost... none of my friends understand what im going throu... they cant understand how i havent forgotten him by now....
It is so easy for them to manipulate us because we love them, and they know we want them to get better.
I am so sorry that you are hurting right now, but unfortunatley HP uses pain to teach us something. Most of my most valuable tools have come from dealing with the most painful momments of my life.
Moving on is hard. Just take care of you. Live one day at a time.
Keep posting so that we may help support you.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Thanks for your share. I think that we grow when we identify it and talk about it. It reminds me of helping our son this past year. We jumped whenever he was in crisis. We believed him when he said he didn't know why the car payment didn't go through and he didn't sign those loan papers. And when his car broke down and he was on the roadside in the rain, how could we let him suffer? What I have learned is that some of the manipulation is unconscious on their part. It is their disease trying to run the show.
What has helped me tremendously is learning to set better boundaries. I have to separate him from his problems and separate me from him. Boundaries help to protect us and protect them from us. With boundaries I don't have to take every word and action into my soul.
We are all here for you. Don't beat yourself up over wiring him the money. It is hard to see the people we love suffer, leaving him to suffer the consequences of his choices is the best thing for you and him. Detaching emotionally and physically from the A is so difficult. Stay strong and keep working your program. You will be all right.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
i can so understand where you are, hurt, frustrated, disappointed, b/c i've been there too. so hopeful that my A was finally determined to get some help for himself. All he needed was for me to be there and "help" him along. He continued to drink and behave in the same ways. I couldn't help him, he's got to want the help himself and he knows where to go to get it. I'm no longer with him right now, and he is in a program for himself.
I would be soo disappointed like you are now. I liked the replies here, b/c for me, the pain helped me what I needed to change in myself. It's definitely a process and I know for me, i learn through experience. Try to be gentle with yourself :)
Keep coming and working this program, you are so definitely worth it! I know for me, I'm learning so much about myself and especially what i will and will not tolerate in a relationship. Boundaries are key for me. I'm still figuring them out...but that's a whole nother story..lol
