The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
im new to this,so bear with me.ive been married to my a for 20 yrs.he got help and has been sober for 60 days.he is doing great ,im doing awful.ihave so much resentment! my friends are gone,my family is all screwed up,i feel mentally impaired,&my A is great! how do i get past this?
am i the only one here who would justlike to kick someone?
((((mck)))) <==== by the way that is a hug on here
Welcome to MIP. What you are doing is what you do now... You reach out for help, and Al-Anon is a life saving way to do it.
This forum is a wonderful support family, in the upper left corner of this page is a link into the live chat, and they have meetings there twice a day. And everyone would recommend you find a local Al-Anon meeting to get started.
Alcoholism is a family disease, it is wonderful that your husband is getting sober, but you are affected as well, and it doesn't have to stay that way.
Keep posting and find meetings and literature. I am sure someone will post some more specifics for you. I am relatively new here too, but you are in good company. Everyone here has shared experiences similar to your own.
This is a safe loving environment to help you with your recovery.
Take care of you and again welcome!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Living with the family disease of alcoholism, affects the whole family, not just the "A". We have picked up patterns and behaviours over the years that are unhealthy.
I know that when I came to alanon I had given so much of myself away to my "A", kids, job, and others that I had nothing left anymore, my cup was empty. Alanon has taught me how to take care of myself, work on my issues, and find serenity. I still give to my "A", kids, job, and others, but now I refill my cup by going to meetings, taking care of myself, chatting here, posting here, basically do the things I enjoy doing.
For me and my "A", I have seen just how much it takes to work on us. This program helps me to not focus on him if he relapses, the focus should be on me, becuase it isn't even about him. I have no control over him, just me; and I think that is more than enough for me to handle.
Also this program is so vital for me and my "A" when he is trying to work a program. We both use tools that our programs teach us, and that way we build eachother up instead of breaking it down even more.
Go to meetings, we have meetings here. Maybe you can find a F2F (face to face) meeting in your area. Read the literature. Talk to people who have been there. I have found that open AA meetings have also helped me with some understanding of my "A".
Keep coming back. This program works. We have all dealt with the disease of alcoholism.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
no it isnt abnormal to feel u want to kick someone.....
and YES it is possible to HATE and LOVE someone all at the one time.
when ur "A" got sober..it was like..." now this is fine, this is good..."then BANG..ur realise how f**ked up ur life has been and its like he hasnt even said sorry..or apologised for all what YOU went throu..putting up with his crap. YOU have realised that u didnt ONCE take care of YOU in all of this...madness!
now its ur time. i guarantee you will lean alot from the people in this room..these were my saviours when i thought i couldnt go on anymore.
Start to learn the program. Work the program, be gentle with yourself, and know you are not alone. There is great experiences here and at face to face meetings. Get to a meeting, give at least 6 a try and find a sponser. Know you are a work in progress and not perfect, you will learn to change the focus on to you.
Welcome to MIP mck!! You are in the right place. Alanon will give you tools and support to help yourself through the affects of alcoholism. The resentment and anger you are feeling is all normal side effects from living with active alcoholism. 20 years is a long time to live with this, so be patient with yourself and take things one step and one day at a time. I'm sure everyone has given you good ideas in how to take care of yourself.
You AH will be working his program and gone alot to meetings and busy doing other things. I know the resentment of feeling like you never had his time or attention when he was drinking and now that the miracle of sobriety has come to fruition he's still not around. I was told by my Alanon friends to start living my life again and doing things for myself that made me happy. The children would also have to live their lives and continue living to make themselves happy. I am still living with active drinking and drugging. I am learning, I am healing, and I am feeling happier everyday. I'm reconnecting with some old friends and finally making some new friends. My kids seem to be much happier now that mom is not crying and screaming all the time. (I have my moments though). This too shall pass, you will get to the other side of anger and resentment, keep coming back.
Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Find yourself in Alanon. It has helped me to be in this recovery program. The Big Book of AA talks alot about resentments and how it puts you right back into your disease. Honor your feelings because they are real. My sober AH moved out last year and has left me with most of the responsiblities. I have been full of resentment because it appears that he has the life of Reilly. But I can't stay there. So one day at a time. Let go and let god.
Hello mck - welcome . and no u are not the only person who has ever felt that way (hugs)
Am happy your husb is finding his MIRACLE - Sobriety
Now it's your turn to find yours - Sanity
Al-Anon will restore sanity to your life at this difficult time , often sobriety is harder than when theywere drinking if sincere there are so many changes all at once , kinda leaves u realing and feeling shut out. This is a life and death situation for your husb AA is his lifeline right now with out them he will fail and he knows it. so please be patient.
For me the best way to support my husb is to find and work my own program, insead of staying at home waiting for him to come from meetings find some of your own at the same time if possible -something u can do to gether. it may only be an hr a drive to and from the meetings but if you recal it is probably better than u have had for along time while he was drinking.
Once settled in our program you are never alone again , always someone to ease your fears and listen ,you will make new friends and new relationships a whole new world.
Our lives have been affected by someone else's drinking and we too need to recover , they are not the only ones who need to change. I had a part in this mess too (which didn't please me much at the time) as it was pointed out to me over and over again, boils down to I did alot of the right things for the wrong reasons. ????? or is it visa versa ?? anyway please find meetings soon and attend for yourself . good luck oh yeah and buckle up your in for one hell of a ride. finding yourself again among the ruins is an awsome trip . You have no idea where this program can take you
here is the tol free number for info in your area 1-888-4alanon it is an international number and toll free.
take care of you . leave him to AA and let Al-Anon take care of you. Louise
Keep coming back.