Today's reading is about an Alanon member who is obsessing about a visit from their parents. They are concerned about their parents judgement of their live, their way of living. They recall an obsessive battle to perfect their life, home and yard and that this struggle caused them to feel distanced from their higher power.

The reading continues with vivid imagery. The Alanon member imagines a sailboat steered by a tiller and the tiller being under their hp's hand. "The boat of my will and life glides cleanly through the waves. Without wise, steady and consistent guidance, the tiller swings wildly and the boat is tossed by each wave. Although I cannot do anything about the waves rolling into my life, I can hand the tiller of my life over to God and trust that I will be steered to safety."

The reading then reminds that unlike the Alanon member, their higher power can see ahead to direct their path. Upon this realization, the Alanon member chooses to respond with willingness to the "nudge" trusting their higher power's will for them instead of choosing something that may seem more appealing to but guided by self will. "I choose to trust that the course suggested by my higher power is best for me." When in doubt of their hp knowing the way, the member reminds themself of how chaotic and complicated life can be when they try to take control.

"In Alanon I have come to know that I have a resource within me and all around me that can guide me through the most overwhelming fears and the most challenging decisions - my higher power."  Courage to Change p 327

******************************************************************

I thought this was an especially beautiful reading. I could feel myself letting go and letting god as I read it. I just felt like that sailboat out on the water drifting aimlessly in dark despair when I first found this program. As much as I tried to right the ship, the storm of alcoholism and it's effects was far more powerful. My belief was that I could control things. I kept trying different things and would not let go and hand over control to a higher power. I was so fearful and felt there was no one I could trust more than myself. Awful life circumstances led me to believe that a loving higher power would never have sent such cruel lessons. So I continued with a tight grip on my own life and some around me as well. It wasn't until I grew so sick and tired from the illusion of control that I surrendered my life and will. I honestly don't know that I would still be here had I not found Alanon. I'm grateful for the first three steps and examples of others in the program. I can now let go and let a power greater than myself, a higher power work for good in my life. I honestly didn't know which end was up when I got here yet thought I could fix my life unaided.

I'm grateful to be living one day at a time and to trust the god of my understanding as loving higher power. Alanon program work has shown me that my former view of a hp as sabotager of my life was skewed. A change in thinking from fear to trust didn't come overnight but it did happen. I believe it happened because I keep coming back to witness progress in the lives of others. I am able then to look at similar happenings in my own life for which I had no part but are good outcomes. I suppose I went from gratitude to belief and then to trust that a loving hp was responsible. 

Life on life's terms is ever changing. It can at times require me to change with it. Sometimes I don't want to change. Sometimes I don't know how. Sometimes I don't know what to choose or which way to turn. Today, I believe with all my being that my loving higher power does know and is just a prayer away. The Serenity Prayer and the 3rd Step Prayer are my go to prayers that I pray for guidance and answers. If still confused as to what my hp wants me to choose, I wait rather than haphazardly taking action from a place of confusion. When  I was a newcomer I had trouble discerning my will from my hp's will for me. Today I still believe when I feel very ill at ease, second guessing before taking an action that is my will. When I feel let says not totally comfortable but pretty assured that I am making the best choice available in a given situation, I believe that is my higher power's will/guidance. My trust in a loving hp has me habitually surrendering my will upon awakening, inventorying my day with my hp in the evening and offering gratitude for the lessons. Life is good with my hp as my best friend and guide.  TT