The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My up and down and sometimes sideways situation with my adult son (alcohol, drugs, and mental health issues) about which I've received a lot of very helpful ESH from you wonderful folks, is going OK - for today - tomorrow will be here soon enough, but for today, things seem to be going OK - LOL, I was relaxed enough to take a nap.
But, a newcomer friend to one of my Al Anon groups is in a tough spot, and I'm trying to point him towards some ESH on an area about which I don't have any experience - but I'm sure that someone here has dealt with it and may have some ESH that I can pass along to him, until he gets grounded enough to pick up the ball and run with it on his own.
So, this guy's alcoholic wife got out of rehab recently, but she hasn't seen the light and she has chosen to not stay sober - she started drinking again pretty much immediately after rehab. She wrecked a car, there have been shouting matches in front of their kid (my newcomer friend hasn't mastered detachment with love yet), she's out all night and doesn't come home until the next day, still drunk from the night before and, hmmm, she doesn't remember where she left the car - nothing new here as far as the types of war stories many you have dealt with. Today, she left for the airport to fly to another state to meet a guy that she met online for some weekend adventures. My newcomer friend is now referring to her as his "soon to be ex wife".
Given that things are so out of control on so many fronts for him, if it was me and if I was thinking clearly (responding versus reacting), I'd be very concerned about her running up debts on their joint CCs and squandering their money in other ways - and, having heard another Al Anon member a couple of weeks ago in a meeting mention that she had to separate her finances from her husband's finances, I'm thinking that my newcomer friend may want to look into doing some "financial protection work" to protect himself - BUT, having been a single guy with three ex wives for the past 20 years (I FINALLY learned my lesson), I obvious do NOT give anyone anything close to marriage advice, based on my marriage track record - I don't have any experience about this to share with him, and I'm very hesitant to suggest anything to him that might damage his marriage even more than it's been damaged already - it sounds like things are broken beyond repair, but who knows.
So, does anyone have any experience I can share with my newcomer friend, about what might work to buffer himself and his finances from his "soon to be ex-wife"'s financial irresponsibility? If it matters, we're in a "community property" state, so anything he does may be a waste of time anyway, given that it's not hers, or his - it's ours.
And is it even appropriate for me to share any thoughts about this with him? Thanks in advance for any guidance !!
This is my story also Tex almost to the T and actually it was my third or forth run at being married to an addicted woman. Each time was worse and then I learn from in the rooms that the disease was progressive..."What am I going to do?" was the question I had to come to answer. They were doing the same things over and over expecting different result I was the one needing a different result. The program and my sponsorship enforced my will to work the program "for me" and so I wanted different so I was told and led to "doing different". Doing different was difficult yet I needed different outcomes. I contacted mutual creditors and advised them to no honor credit request in her name and cancel my card (which she was a signer on). I divorced and got my own address. I did not step in between her and the police when those issues came up. I did not confront the "New Johns and was kind to the kids about there confusions". I stopped support for her needs such as gas and car and the like and left her responsibilities up to her....and so on. I remained empathetic while staying off of the subject of AA, NA and recovery...I was not recovering saint and was pushing steadily to my own recovery...I got in a steady relationship with a Power Greater than myself and applied the program and fellowship experiences also into my recovery...I gave up being a loner and joined our recovering family as I am doing now.
There were consequences because of my changes and the consequences are daily blessings mind, body, spirit and emotions. I continue to love them and learned that love is the "Acceptance of every other human being for exactly who they are". That works for me well. I continue to live it.
You can share these experiences and don't own them...Use what you like...Let him grow better.
TY - I am a finance 'person' so have always been worried about finances, esp. with how this disease affects families, finances, etc. What I know is that each state has different laws and rules about marital property, which includes finances. The best suggestion is for this person to seek outside expertise on how best to protect himself and their assets. There is no one size fits all solution and he has reason to be concerned, in my opinion. I do also agree to keep him focused on his recovery, which includes a sponsor who can also help him sort out his part, projection vs. reality as well as give guidance on detaching. Good on you for being of service to a newcomer!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Well, as always, you fine folks, with far more wisdom than I possess, have pointed me back onto the right path - namely:
I am NOT a legal or financial matters expert for myself, and most certainly NOT an expert on anything for anyone else
focus the newcomer back onto the program's principles, teachings, and wisdom
anyone else's problems are outside of my hula hoop and not mine to fix
remind myself of the "two ears and one mouth" concept
and my favorite, "Couples can have some unusual dynamics" - I absolutely, positively DO NOT know the entire story here, and even if I did, it's not MY story!
Just when I thought that I had gotten my "I can fix this" mindset under control regarding my son, another poor soul (my newcomer friend) shows up with an opportunity for me to fix him - my disease takes over and I'm on the edge of the pool ready to jump in - until you guys talked me back from the edge!
So, I'll have open ears, but I'll not be giving him any advice, aside from "read more Al Anon literature", say the Serenity Prayer frequently, and say the 11th step prayer frequently, "God, please show me Your will for ME, and give me the power to carry it out".
Thank you, all, very much!
-- Edited by texas yankee on Saturday 25th of September 2021 09:55:02 AM
