The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the important role detachment has in recovery. The writer describes learning to detach from her mother. In alanon, the writer learned that she had become so focused on her mother and the disease of alcoholism that she didnt know where her mother ended and she began. One of the ways she worked on detaching with love was setting limits on face to face contact, and honoring one anothers personal boundaries. Through detaching and not attempting to manage her mothers life, the writer developed an honest and loving relationship with her mother.
Any of us who have been in relationship with an alcoholic know that the disease quickly becomes the focal point of our lives. It is very easy to lose sight of ourselves and instead focus only on the words, behavior and situations of the alcoholic. When I first started hearing the word detachment I was confused, because I thought it seemed so cold and distant. I could not understand how compassion could work in conjunction with detachment. One concept that helped me with this is the idea that detachment is another way to stay in my own business and allow the people around me to live their own lives without my interference.
The thought for the day reminds us: Detachment helps me set limits and untangle myself from the other people in my life.
Thank you Mary for your service/ESH and you share DM2021. Before reading this post, I was fuming because I've been waiting for AH to get up so I can get on with my day...hmm..After reading this post, it dawned on me detachment means action. I still prioritize his needs over mine. I could have simply left him a note...but truth is, sometimes I still fear his mood when I go off on my own before checking with him. And come to think of it, I'm judging him based on old behaviours...makes me wonder who's the sick(er) one here. When I take care of me first, I'm too busy to inventory him and I am able to be more kind, courteous and compassionate. Note to self: focus on "live" in Live and let Live. I will tweak my plans for today and be grateful for the lessons repeated. Have a wonderful Sunday.
I use Detachment in my every day life as well as with my Ex. While it is true I no longer have the daily struggles of living with my Qualifier, the idea of Detachment - and specifically, how to apply it to every day circumstances - have been a blessing from Al-Anon. Thank you to all MIP members who came before me who were willing to share your ESH, especially with detail. I know/understand "Take what you need and leave the rest."
Also wanted to say, Kudos to Daffodils for some great personal insight!! It works when we work it!
Wishing you all today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Sunday MIP. Detaching and detachment were foreign words to me when I arrived at Al-Anon. I also equated 'care' and 'love' in a distorted way to attachment, codependency, etc. My parents have been married 65 years and truly have had a long caring relationship. Neither leaves the house without a quick peck and/or a good-bye so that's what I learned. We were fortunate to have our mother at home.
My AH is the oldest of 8 kids, a 10 person family, 2 working parents, busy - busy - busy. With a family this size, his parents truly worked opposite shifts and thus his 'model' of marriage, family, etc. was vastly different. Neither is right or wrong - just different. He tends to come and go as wanted/needed and for a long, long while, I took it personally and thought he didn't care.
I know differently today. When I stop focusing on taking the inventory of others and focus instead on why I feel as I do at certain moments, I can see a pattern in me where I still desire to have things and life go my way. I practice being selfless yet see some of my thinking/processing as selfish. It's in learning how to detach myself from the words, deeds, actions, etc. of another - diseased or not - that I am able to genuinely find peace.
It is so easy for me to apply my own definition of 'right/wrong' to others. My parents are less than 2 hours away from my oldest brother. My mom was hospitalized and now in a rehab center even closer. Yet, today was the first day he visited. There's a part of my mind that thinks he is cold, callous, non-caring as it took him 6 days to present himself for a visit. Yet, I'm comparing my retired lifestyle to his - he still works full time, owns his own business, etc. My thinking is distorted and my judgement does absolutely nothing good for me - except deter me from my own sanity, serenity and spiritual fitness.
Each member of my family is grieving my mother as she 'was' in their own way. What is 'right' to me is not necessarily 'right' for another. I just need to do what makes sense for me, today and one day at a time while allowing others to do what they feel is best for them. I don't need to understand, judge, etc. any of it.
My mother is physically stable and mentally - very, very confused. She's very confused and not aware of where she is or why she is there. My father is making an hour long, one way trip each day to visit for one hour. Truth be told, I'm a bit resentful for all who do not take the pandemic seriously as I wonder if things might be different if there were a hospital room for her when this first started. We will never know yet because of the pandemic, I will not fly to see them, instead drive. Because of the pandemic, visiting is limited to one hour, with masks, 2 people only. I could go on and on but you probably can sense that I have arrived at the point of being very worn down by this pandemic and the continued lack of human decency on display for fellow members of society.
I did golf this morning. It's a lovely distraction - 4 hours away from reality, phones, others. I also am golfing tomorrow and every day this week. I allow myself to be sad when I need to and allow myself to have joy in the face of reality. I am a complex human who is now and will always be flawed and that's OK. Love and light to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
today!