The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading touches on what it was like for an Alanon member to grow up in a home with two parents affected by alcoholism. Their father being an alcoholic and their mother having been raised in a home with alcoholism; the member feels neither was able to give them attention they needed as a child. They recall feeling invisible, voiceless and empty inside with no knowledge of their likes and dislikes.
As an adult the person admits to having difficulty identifying their own feelings. They find statements such as "Keep the focus on yourself," and "Take your own inventory, instead of someone else's," perplexing. Despite believing their primary identity is centered around having been a burden to their mother as a teenager and a target for their father's incessant criticism; the person thinks they must be more than just that.
The Alanon member shares that working the Alanon Steps and particularly Step 4, "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves;" helped them to gain self knowledge. The reading explains their early recovery journey - Step 1 realizing that they were trying to control alcoholism and couldn't, Step 2 consideration of a power greater than themself and possible help from that higher power, Step 3 a desire to trust that higher power and know their surrendered self.
"The real truth might be that we are far more valuable and lovable than other people have led us to believe." Courage to Be Me p. 122
I certainly remember having insecurities during my childhood which carried into adulthood. Mine were somewhat different than those of the member in this reading but still resulted in a loss of identity. I was hypervigilant at an early age, a sponge absorbing my parents words, tone of voice and feelings. I reacted to mother's being sick and tired of being sick and tired by taking on her feelings as if they were my own. I grew to identify with who she was rather than knowing my true self. This emotional entanglement greatly influenced my feelings particularly about my alcoholic parent who was my father and how I would choose a spouse. My mother's behaviors greatly influenced how I would show up as a spouse in an alcoholic marriage.
When we know better we do better. My parents were not members of 12 step recovery groups. As a person in recovery, I am able to find answers, support, gain self awareness and knowledge. I consciously have chosen recovery as an adult for myself. It's led to knowing my true self and for that I'm very grateful.
Working the Alanon program I have been able to untangle myself (for the most part) from taking on the feelings of others by facing myself honestly (Steps 4 and 5) Today, I find it easier to identify how I really feel at any given moment rather than instantly attaching to the emotions of others. If I am unsure of how I am feeling, I give myself time to figure that out. Instead of reacting to others, I detach and take any discomfort to my higher power. I choose to spend quiet time with that higher power rather than in the midst of an unsettling situation. That practice has been successful for helping me to identify my true feelings and trust what I am feeling.
I'm so glad to have found that first Alanon meeting and made the choice to keep coming back and for a higher power who I trust with my life. "I came, I came to, I came to believe." Thanks for sharing the journey with me! TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
So my mother and step-father were having another habitual shouting match and I was done with it. I walked to the front door of their home and reached for the door handle. Before exiting I asked HP "If there is something here you see that I can do...tell me now or I am gone". HP did not hesitate..."Well you are a therapist aren't you?" ....Yeppers and never had thought of my parents as clients. My mother was in bed with an injury soon to be for surgery and my Step father was in the kitchen hiding and fighting at the same time. "K....What the hell" HP had the answers while I had the keys to my car. I turned to the kitchen and asked my SDad for 45 minutes of his silent participation while I sat at the foot of Mom's bed and asked her for the same. They both okayed my request and when all were in the room and in quiet I did a once in a lifetime "Here is what I know" session and then thank them for their attention and left.
Next evening at the hospital with Mom being prepped for surgery and Dad holding on and brother getting the hell out of range I offered my ESP and headed for the door myself. I got into the hallway when Step Dad called me back for a minute. When I got into the room I got a very rare acknowledgement "We have never heard before what you gave us last night" "Thank you" "You are right". My Mom could not speak but was nodding and HP said "See" and I gave a hug to my Stepdad and left.
"See ...lose the fear and act as if and it works when you work it"... Al-Anon Rocket Science with HP flying the capsule. I never heard any yelling or screaming or arguments from them again. AWESOME This works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
"You would never allow that kind of behavior unless you loved the other person". Rocket Science Mahalo HP.
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 28th of August 2021 12:25:59 PM
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 28th of August 2021 12:28:51 PM
Very powerful shares here today. I thank both of you, as your shares touched me deeply.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you TT for your service and this daily. About the time I think I know me better, I'm gently reminded by my HP that there are more layers/levels yet to be discovered. Long story short, my mother was moved to the rehab center Thursday evening. Yesterday, while volunteering at the golf course, I decided to call the center to see if the transfer happened and if all was well. I spoke with a staff member for a bit and then they gave the phone to my mother.
I asked some questions that she did not know the answers to. One of them was who am I (after saying, "Hello Momma!") She did not know. She did not know my name either. In spite of helping my parents support their mothers who had diminished mental faculties with age and never knowing who I was, it crushed me to my core. Since, my mind has been obsesses with the simple sentence, "She doesn't know my name..."
Of course, this added more sadness to my sadness. So, I'm back to our first step - remembering that I am powerless over so, so many things and this is another one. It's always been my hope that when it was time for my parents to pass, they'd go quietly in the night. Apparently, my hope (my will) was not a part of the master plan. In spite of all that's going on, I am truly grateful for this program. Without it, I'd be an incredibly insane person right about now.
I am incredibly tired and am consciously practicing self-care. One day at a time has been very, very helpful. I will continue to keep doing the next right things and work to trust in the master plan, which I am not privy too...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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{{HUGS}}