The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the reading for Monday, 8/23, the member talks about the fear of making mistakes. This could bring accusations and abuse from the alcoholic, as well as themself. The slightest error felt huge which they could not let go of. Yet the member struggled to give the appearance of perfect self-control. In alanon they learned to honestly admit mistakes which allowed for growth. Step 10 helped in this process?taking one?s own inventory and promptly admitting when wrong. The member said it was not always comfortable, but telling the truth set them free from the lies that held them back. When not struggling for perfection, and admitting when wrong, the member could let go of guilt and shame.
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For me, I always felt wrong, so to accept this lack of perfection was unbearable. Making mistakes therefore, was just the proof of how terrible a person I was. And for others to see that and/or point it out, made me just want to crawl into a hole. Sometimes I wonder how I survived all that emotional baggage. Program, Step 10, and all the steps for that matter, have given me a more honest and helpful way to live my life. It is such a relief to tell someone I was wrong and I am sorry. I do not struggle with that. I am human and will continue to make mistakes for the rest of my life. I have given up the guilt and shame around this issue. Im truly OK with not being perfect.
Thank you Lyne for your service and for both yours and DM's shares.
Thankfully, I was raised in a household where admitting your wrong about something was not a big deal. Everyone just owned their stuff, apologized and moved on. So not sure where my "inner critic" came from. But that was who I had to be careful of, and who needed changing when I entered Al-Anon. Giving up the guilt and shame of not being the "perfect" __________ has brought me peace and a satisfaction I hadn't known before.
Happy Monday! I hope all of those on the east coast were able to weather the big storm Henri!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Aaaaahhhh puppies I love your reality cause it is so very close to mine also and then for me in my family of origin just acting the habit again and again that I was a bust and the reason for whatever happened. "took a likin" and carried on maybe storing up more resentments for when I reached late 20ies and the 30ties. It was all a mistake and they were easy to get over till whenever. Course as a youngster in private catholic school and religion I had more righteous judges who worked in God's service I was always wrong and the recipient of what mistakes brought us. Admitting I was wrong usually if anything shortened the penalty period. Okay tomorrow's another day. Have a good one. ((((hugs))))
Thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I readily admit I was my own worst critic when I was LTP - Less Than Perfect. I too was raised with organized religion, in private Catholic schools with generational affects of this disease, so learned to be on alert for mistakes and missteps. I was quick to point them out in others, less so in myself. I expected the barrage of judgement & mean words from my qualifiers as that's part of the dance we all did. How could I sit and focus on their inventories - obsess even over what they were/were not doing and expect them to not do the same?
As I learned to focus on me, keep my judgement, ideas, suggestions, advice, observations to myself, I came to realize and accept I was designed to be LTP - Less Than Perfect - also known as Perfectly Imperfect. When I could truly see and accept myself accordingly, my eyes were then open to the realization this is true of all of us. People will let me down. They will disappoint me, upset me, anger me, oppose me, etc. This doesn't mean they don't love me or I am unworthy - it just means we see things differently. In recovery, I am better able to realize that different is good - it challenges me to see things from different views/sides.
"I was wrong/I am wrong" - these 3 little words were so very, very hard for me to admit and say most of my life. Admitting mistakes in my mind was admitting failure which affected my self-esteem. Recovery has given me options to be able to make mistakes, own my mistakes, accept them and move along without taking it all too personally or allowing my human experience to have power over me. I'm a grateful member and truly cut myself (and others) much more slack now.
My mother's been rushed to the hospital in another state and I'm almost certainly going to be traveling at some point to assist/be of service. While trying to determine what's wrong with her is easier than when the pandemic started, the HCW are still overwhelmed, hospital beds are very limited and it's a challenge to get adequate care, admission, testing, diagnosis. I'll probably be around less, esp. if I take off for the long drive across country again. Prayers are always welcome - my dad's doing his best to communicate -- smart phones are not easy to learn for the elderly!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
