In today's reading an Alanon member recalls reacting negatively as a child when their parents told them what to do. Examples of how they responded as a child were with angry compliance or rebellious refusal. They felt controlled.

As an adult and member of Alanon they volunteer for service to their Alanon group as their group's representative. They attend their first area meeting. Their Alanon group is aware of what will be on the ballot at the area meeting. They have come to a consensus as to how as a group they would like to vote. New information might be presented at the area meeting and others of the representative's Alanon group may not be in attendance at that meeting to have a voice in decision making for their group.  The group authorizes their group representative to use their own best judgement if new information is presented to decide what is best for their group and referred to Alanon's Concept Three - The right of decision makes effective leadership possible.

The group representative was faced with making a decision on behalf of their group concerning something that had not come up for discussion in their group prior to the meeting. They made the decision using their best judgement. When they presented their report to their Alanon group after the area assembly meeting, not all members where in agreement with the decisions they had made on behalf of the group but no one wanted to vote them out. Instead, they were thanked for their service.

The group representative was pleased that their group had trusted and allowed them to make decisions. They felt supported rather than controlled. "Today, I know there is something more important than always doing or refusing to do what I am told. Instead, I can learn to trust my own judgement and let others trust me, too."

"Being allowed to make appropriate decisions, to axt freely without being hassled or second guessed, gives dignity to the person who is doing the job." 

                                 The Concepts - Alanon's Best Kept Secret

**********************************************************************************************************************************

I remember having feelings of resentment as a child when my parents told me what to do particularly when I was a young teenager. I wanted so much to have all the privileges of a grown up especially to make my own decisions, my own choices! Perfectionism accompanied my father's alcoholism. We, children were not trusted to do things right.  The effects of alcoholism caused my mother to be overly protective of us. Despite allowing us to make decisions and choose for ourselves, there was follow up by her to safeguard us from my father's criticism or fixing our mistakes (less than perfect way of doing something) particularly chores that were our responsibility in the home. For me, this resulted in perpetually second guessing my own abilities, not trusted myself to do something in a way that would be satifactory to others, and feeling conditionally loved. As an adult, I married a functional alcoholic/addict (until he wasn't) who was a perfectionist. His father was an active alcoholic who severely criticized him. His mother constantly verbally corrected me (her way the only way to do things). My exah protected me from them both by doing things the way they would like and not allowing me to do much in order to spare me their direct criticism or having to personally defend me. There was incredible enmeshment and dependency because my exah worked for his family, was addicted and grew more and more dependent on things outside myself for my well-being. I was not self sufficient emotionally or financially.

Through the grace of God, I found my first Alanon meeting when it was suggested by his rehab. He rehabbed in house and suddenly I was left to make decisions for myself. Do the things I hadn't done for myself. Since I was being used as the scapegoat (the cause) for his disease, I was cut off from his family. At their social and financial status, they took his addiction personally. Someone must have caused it. They decided he must have the wrong wife. I learned to do a lot on my own quickly. I suppose it's the upside of a bad situation. Gratefully, caring members of Alanon encouraged me to do service at meetings. I was so afraid I would make the coffee wrong, not set up the chairs right. It was the fear of being chastised, shamed, feeling of humiliation that I feared most. With many service positions at Alanon meeting there is flexibility in how to do them. Others positions there may be a right or wrong way to do them. But others were gentle and kind when helping me and didn't tell me I did things wrong. They just explained why the group did certain things the way they did them such as putting things back where our particular group kept our things so we would have them available to us the following week. Of course I apologized LOL Today, I simply say Oh, thanks for letting me know. That's progress for me.

Today, I very much appreciate participating in group conscience and in my personal life I've not only grown very capable of making decisions on behalf of myself but have been at times an effective leader of others. When leading, I tend to do much more listening than talking and am especially interested in the input, perspective, suggestions of others. I try my best to help everyone feel a part of the process, the team and trust others act on behalf of themselves and the team. I tend to be a worrier not that things won't be done perfectly but still of the chaos an drama that may ensue from the fallout of things going wrong. My program reminds me that this is faulty thinking. Having learned to take care of myself, many mistakes happened, many things went haywire. It's been my experience that it's rare that there is no fix for something gone wrong. Someone else has made that mistake and there are answers out there. Knowing this helps me let go and trust my own decisions and that of others. I try not to impose my way onto others because I remember how that felt for me. Of course, there are times when I want to save someone some grief but I try to remember to ask if they would like suggestions rather than shoulding on another person.

I'm grateful for the unconditional love and acceptance of Alanon members and the program work and progress I've made concerning self sufficiency - "adulting." :)  TT