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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> August 13 - Al-Anon's Intimacy Book
Post Info TOPIC: August 13 - Al-Anon's Intimacy Book
Freetime


~*Service Worker*~

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August 13 - Al-Anon's Intimacy Book
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Hello MIP friends!  For this Friday's daily reading, I wanted to try something different.  Please let me know your feedback.  There is a relatively new CAL book, Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships.  I bought this book as soon as Al-Anon published it a couple of years ago  -- but I haven't had the courage to read it.  I thought this Friday commitment would get me to take the plunge, and read at least a few pages each week..

The first chapter is titled "Alcoholism and Intimacy." It acknowledges that intimacy could be an uncomfortable subject to discuss, and that it is not just about sex. Intimacy includes "feelings of closeness, safety, connectedness, and trust."  Living with alcoholism brings barriers to intimate relationships.

On page 14, a member shares that they would never let themselves get close to people. Because of their family of origin, they thought a lack of emotional closeness was normal.  But in Al-Anon they are starting to practice being vulnerable, and now are taking baby steps toward  this closeness with a Sponsor, friends, and their spouse. 

On page 15, a member shares that he has a strong desire to be seen, accepted and supported for who he really is-- but in an alcoholic relationship it was not possible.  This member interpreted the alcoholic's inability to prioritize the relationship over alcohol to mean that he was undesirable.  In Al-Anon he is learning that his thinking was distorted, and caused him to have reactions that only made things worse.

These shares make me think about my own ideas of trust and self-acceptance. In my marriage to an alcoholic, despite both of our best intentions, I gradually lost all trust in the person I most wanted to have that emotional intimacy with. The chaos and dishonesty broke that trust. 

So far in Al-Anon I have learned that the solution is not to try to fix someone else, not to judge them, not to punish them for not being trustworthy in the way I wanted. Instead I first had to learn to trust myself -- to know that I had my own best interests at heart and that I could find the resources I needed, even if my spouse could not provide that. It's not the fault of the hardware store that it doesn't sell bread.  I also had to learn not to base my self-esteem on what I thought other people thought about me. I had to start believing that I am worthy just on my own.  

I have found that emotional intimacy is possible, and vulnerability is OK -- I just need to be selective, take my time, and look before I leap into sharing myself with someone else.  It is OK because I am enough, but I am even better when shared with other people who know how to value me.



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Bettertomorrow


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Hello Freetime. Thank you for your share. Personally I feel inspired by your post and am now about to place an order for that book! It rings very true for me. My past history meant that I learned that emotional intimacy was unobtainable or unreliable. I learned to rely on myself or leap into unsuitable relationships looking for the intimacy I missed so much. Years of living with an alcoholic spouse where all forms of loving intimacy and connectedness were unavailable. I stuck with it because I keep hoping there would be a fairytale ending, that the frog would turn into a prince when in reality the frog remained a frog (reminding me dont go to the hardware store and expect to buy bread). Alanon has taught me to love myself first. I need to be comfortable with who I am and ensure that I select people to be with who value me and respect my boundaries. For the first time in many years, I am alone, but valuing that space to grow and like myself.

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Iamhere


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Good morning MIP. Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. What I have learned about me is that my ability to trust and have intimate relationships has ebbed and flowed in my life. When I arrived at recovery, my distorted thinking led me to no trust - in people, words, commitments, etc. I had such black/white thinking that I existed in an all/nothing distorted reality.

As I've explored me and what makes me tick through the steps, I've come to believe we are born with unconditional love and acceptance which does create unconditional trust. As we go through life, through trial/error, we learn more about what/who to trust and who not to trust. Needless to say, I and others end up with a 'broken picker' leading us to trust the wrong people, places and things and then react.

Today, I still practice unconditional love and acceptance. I've worked hard to improve my 'picker' and to heal me. As a healthier person in this world, I find I am attracting healthier people to include in my life. I have had to learn that it's OK to deselect people who live and thrive on chaos/drama. I just can't stomach it as I choose to live differently. I would not be improving if I had not learned that I am perfectly imperfect (as are all others) and until/unless I accept and love myself first, I will repeat the past patterns of trusting the wrong people for my life.

I am more content in my life when I focus on quality relationships vs. quantity. I am eternally grateful that choosing me and putting me first has made me a better daughter, sister, mother, wife, friend, etc. I am grateful that I am better able to accept others as they are, where they are - because I accept me as I am and where I am.

We had tons and tons of rain last night - including flash flooding. I am quite certain the golf course is under water so golf is canceled today. I'm OK with that - Al-Anon taught me to always have a Plan B....make it a great day all!

Thanks for the ESH & shares above me too!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
Lyne


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Thanks FT for your service and for bringing such an interesting book to my attention. I have grown and changed a lot thanks to program. My marriage to my A, who is still active on and off, and no alcohol treatment to date, is not thriving as I might like. Things might be different between us if my A was getting alcohol treatment, but I can't say for sure. How things are now is that our communication is better, but the continued drinking and unclear thinking that produces, makes me want to keep some emotional distance. By being able to focus on myself much of the time, and not trying to force solutions, enables me to have peace and happiness often.

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Lyne
DM2021


~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Freetime for your service, today's very interesting reading (I like the change!) and to you and everyone for all the ESH!!

After several years in the Al-Anon program I am now (just these past 3 months) experiencing with AH more of a emotional

connection, that represents more open and caring communication. We still have our moments, like with the trip to the vet a few

weeks ago that turned into a bashing fest, but those episodes are far and few between. Before and early program those

confrontations and chaos were sadly daily and weekly occurrences. There is a lot more respect from AH and working my

boundaries via the program and minding my own business has made my mental outlook healthier and in my control, AH can

see it. It does work when you work it!

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

 
a4l


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Thank you Freetime for the service and the introduction to the new literature, which I was excited to hear about as I had not heard of it and

went off to browse the alanon shop on the link you shared. I think I would like that book to own and read through. For myself I think it is not

until almost 20 years after first learning it that I have come to understand intimacy as a patient process. I was, pre recovery and immediately

preceding my marriage of ten years ago, way too open. I had not learned to keep some things for myself. My idea of intimacy was in hindsight

childish. I presumed that loving a person automatically assured that it was a reciprocal thing and that my own standards of loyalty,

discretion,nurture and protection were shared traits. I am sure many can readily predict where such a naiivety leads a young woman with a broken

picker and a penchant for proving her worth through the pursuit of emotionally unavailable men. Thank my lucky stars that in my case, it lead

to recovery.


Today, I am progressed in the sense that I am no longer so open to anyone and nor am I open to anyone for a variety of things. I no longer

presume that everybody approaches situations in the same way as I do and vice versa. I take my time to listen with my eyes. That is

probably all I can say as there is no relationship requiring emotional intimacy currently occurring in my life and I actually like that for now. I

still want the book though!



-- Edited by a4l on Friday 13th of August 2021 05:45:40 PM

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