The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about our ability to speak openly about emotions; when we can do this at meetings it helps give us the courage to do the same in other situations in our lives. The writer describes feeling disappointed when his/her father cancels a trip they had planned together. The instinctual response was to assure Dad that it was fine, no big deal. Later the writer was able to express at a meeting that there was a lot of disappointment and hurt connected to the cancelled trip. The writer felt relief at having expressed these feelings, and was encouraged about expressing the same to Dad. In the end the writer was heard by Dad and realized that there are choices about what to do with feelings.
I know that there have been many times when instead of expressing what I was feeling, I worked on a way to stifle them. When I have stamped down feelings instead of expressing them, I end up feeling hurt and resentful. More times than not, when I find the words to say what I need to, there is a mixture of relief and empowerment.
Courage to Change (p.270) reminds us: With a change of attitude, I have choices about what to do with my feelings.
Boy I can relate to this. I suppressed and repressed my feelings so bad growing up that I didnt even know how to feel anything but rage and anger and fear
I never was safe to express my feelings growing up and so I just shut down and boy I paid for it later with stored pain and back spasms and other physical ills that I know were due to my inability due to safety reasons not to show my feelings. In the 1980s I had asthma that would go into bronchitis and it was so bad they were giving me shots and the doctor told me he could not do anything more for me and that sadly he predicted that if I got a bad enough cold, I would die so I went on a 30 day fasting on nothing but oranges and water and I cleansed myself out and got rid of all of that but I still have the stored pain from not being able to feel my feelings
But little by little now I can do that and I feel so much better and I have hardly any spasms at all and I just feel so much better being able to express my feelings and if its not safe or a good time right now, I just make an appointment with myself literally and just tell myself OK we will deal with this as soon as we can, hang in there I will not ignore you and I do deal with them and I feel much better. Thanks for this great reminder
Happy Sunday MIP. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares and ESH. BR (Before Recovery), I had one 'emotion' - anger. I lashed out at people, places, things, institutions, etc. When things did not go my way, I reacted - more often than not badly.
With recovery, I am better able to pause long enough to recognize what I am truly feeling. I see anger as a secondary emotion and not a healthy response for me often. Truly, I am instead disappointed, hurt, fearful or the like. It is in recovery that I've gotten better at determining what I am truly feeling, and then can process accordingly.
When I was new, and trying various tools for my own sanity, my sponsor suggested that we talk through 'all' things before I 'said my peace'. This support from a more seasoned member of recovery was so very, very helpful for me. She truly helped me learn to communicate from a place of equality using I statements instead of you statements or general statements in hostile or sarcastic ways.
Even with disease-active persons, debates are less when I say what I truly feel using I statements. I've got healthy boundaries and am better at detaching so saying what I mean, meaning what I say and not saying it mean is easier than ever before.
I have learned that it's OK to not be OK. My brain right now tells me that I am surrounded by death, illness and dying and yet my heart, enhanced with recovery tools, tells me there's a reason and a plan and my best course of action is to be of service. One day at a time, I can and will be OK when I just remember it's not all about me and to live life on life's terms, one day at a time.
Off to golf shortly - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your responses and experiences! I forgot to add that for me- holding in feelings led me to lean heavily on sarcasm which I tried to play off as humorous and witty, when instead it often came across as mean.
Mary, thank you for your service and for everyones ESH. I too used anger as my go to. I still do too often. I was raised to understand anger as a blanket of protection and a way to be heard and understood. Maybe I was heard but I wasnt communicating any of the things I was feeling. I still to this day jump to verbally crush my AH when he says things that upset me. I have to actively stop myself and ask why I want to do that? Why would I think it would help? What is leading me to such anger? What is underneath? The answer is the same as others. Its sadness and fear. Its fear of not mattering, not being valued, not being loved, and of being alone in this world. I have had these feelings since childhood. Now when someone does or says something that stirs these feelings or worse amplifies them, that old protective anger builds like armor around me but not to protect me. More like armor between me and understanding my feelings. I need to love and value myself enough to hear my feelings and then let others in on them. This is when I feel less alone. In later years Ive gone the choose joy route. It helps but can land in the same place. Its just ignoring my feelings in a new way. You know the saying fake it till you make it? In this instance I dont make it. Its more like fake it until you start to believe your own bulls@&t and end up in the same place. I need to just stop and acknowledge what is happening in me. I need to take my time and be gentle with myself one day at a time.
Thank you Mary for your service today. I enjoyed reading everyone's shares, as I could relate to most.
"Fine, I'm fine. Everything's fine."
That was my tag-line before Al-Anon. For years and years. Except everything wasn't "Fine," and I was holding onto sanity by a single thread sometimes!!
I was always the "strong one," the one with the "solutions." I held it ALL together. But my physical health suffered. Now 3 full years out of my relationship with my Qualifier, I am amazed at the positive state of my health! So many ailments have disappeared! Truly amazing.
My auto-response is still "Everything's Fine." So there is work still to be done about being able to honestly share how I feel. However, I am more honest with myself... and that is key!
A little cooler here today, and zero smoke, so I will be out in my garden communing with Nature. I hope that you all feed your Joy today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all for above shares and I just thought of something!!! My anger (less but still have to work on) but why?? why so angry??? and I remember what my first (not recommened but he was a guy and very good) anyway, he told me that "anger is your lid to your pain---get at that pain--get it out--feel it, investigate it"
I thought about what he said and yep..he was right..I was not ready to let the ole pain come out because I was afraid it would overwhelm me because the first time I cried and this is NO LIE....I sobbed so many tears, I dehydrated myself, exhausted, I had to call in sick for work and it scared me that I had that much pain..No wonder I was so mad at the world...little by little....first things first...easy does it...and yea, progress not perfection, I had to apply these slogans to my "almost overwhelming anger"
tho I still get mad, I can, with self talk, "work it thru" "sort it out" with self talk and doing honest step work on it and little by little when I get angry now,I can drag out my program tools and sort it out and feel the REAL feelings behind me...2 steps 4, 1 back, but I am advancing/progressing...I make no mistake in believing I will ever be "done with" the program....
I am a lifer and damned grateful.....I am glad the docus and movies that I normally watch were lousey because reading all these shares, I am really seeing things , mostly good, but some not so good about me..stuff I can say "thumbs up" on and stuff that I need to drag out step 4 on...
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