The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tell me about forgiveness? Is it something that can come and go within ones personality? I'd thought of my self as a forgiving person in the past.
Yet now going through a divorce... actually feeling emotions that have been stuffed for so long..... I find myself with little tolerance of my boundries being crossed or a putdown of myself.
I'm quick to anger and have trouble letting go some days. I'm finding as well as feeling an over abundance of emotions.... I'm becoming a hard person.... without much empathy.I feel like a cold, dead inside stone.
Often towards those I once loved and held dearly. My boundries were crossed by them. I 've made them aware of why I feel the way I do. They say... oh just get over it, forget it. Why can you not forgive what was done/ said, they say. I try to forgive however well up with anger once again and we get onto the same merry go round. I mention it is difficult for me to forgive without a GENUINE APOLOGY, not a fake one..... to simply make it go away.
How do you find it in your hearts to forgive those that either can not, know not, will not, awknowledge they have caused you a great hurt?
I'm not finding the path to forgive and it is breaking both of our hearts, mine and my family members. To the point that our health is possibly suffering.
Hope, I know how you are feeling, and it is so hard. The anger breaks your heart every time you touch on it. I could not forgive my AH for years for cheating on me while we were dating. I thought I did, but I kept this anger in my heart, even after he had done everything he could think of to make it up to me. Now we are seperated and I started going to AlAnon. I learned that his behavior, and mine, are part of this disease. It was not right, what he did, but I recognize now that my sickness played some role in it as well, and I finally, finally, felt my heart soften, and I was able to tell him, "I finally am able to forgive you." I think it made us both feel better, and somehow lighter. He called me the next day to tell me again how much that meant to him. I could hear that he is thinking about the positive change I am making in my life, and I hope HP will help him find his way. It's hard, and it hurts, but if you are ready to let go, it helps. I hope you find what you need to help you find peace in your situation. And I hope we all get better.
Remember forgiving the person does not justify the deed, nor does it clear them with your HP. He will still have to answer to him. There is nothing that can undo the past, but forgiving can open up our future. Forgiving makes way for our own healing to begin.
Remmber it is not our job to judge others, as it is not our job to condemn them either. We have a HP that is in charge, Let him handle that part.
This does not mean that you have to forget, it simply means you turn it over to your HP and put it in the back of your mind as a lesson learned.
Hope this helps.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hello, hope, I'm so glad you posted here. What you are going through is hard, and whatever you are feeling right now is what you need to be feeling for you. Thank your HP for this! Forgiveness, in my experience, is a long process, and doesn't happen all at once. It takes work. And forgiveness will free you, when you have done the work. I have also learned that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. When you have forgiven, the strong feelings will be gone. That's what has happened to me. Make sure you take care of yourself now. Go to meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps. You will be amazed at how that focus will start to change you. You deserve it. Blessings, mebjk
I have found working the 4th step was a big part of forgiveness. And for me the issue of forgiving was incidental to understanding how I came to be boundaryless, rescuing and overly sympathetic to everyone but me. My own rescue was not included in the plans for my need to make the world a better place. While the whole word deserved compassion, love, gifts (how generous I have always been to those around me). Forgiving myself was a big big part of the process. I had to forgive myself for my issues, for my childhood for expecting me to be superhuman. After all that was what I set myself up to be without limits in the world. I do think the steps have been a great great way to work on this program. I also don't think for me it happens just overnight. for me it is a process I will be doing forever.
... I forgive knowing( and clearly understanding) that in turning it over to my Higher Power (HP/God) and Letting It Go ...... is the best thing I can do for myself and for them. Your in my thoughts and prayers. (((BigHug))) Take careYOU!
"How do you find it in your hearts to forgivethose that either can not, know not, will not acknowledge they have caused you a great hurt ?"
This is an issue that still to this day I question. This one sends me in circulur turmoil many a times. Sometimes I think I have the answer for myself and then the doubts creep back in and I have to wonder about it all over again. There are times that I think and ask myself am I just wanting a validation and that would do ? If I got it what then ? Most times, no way will they acknowledge they did a certain thing. I think the acknowledgement would and could bring about so many other feelings and actions or responses. Sometimes I think them not even acknowledging it would allow them to get away with it and do it some more. Then I get into they don't accept me because they won't listen to what I need , for them to hear my feelings and say or show me you understand where I'm at and how it felt/feel ! I've had to accept that that isn't going to happen from them( those I wanted it from A-s). And evenso I think I've accepted it , it still happens again with other things as they happen and on the merry-go-round it is again. I think its a very human need to have. And one I didn't want to live without. It hurts , no doubt in my mind and heart and soul to not make that connection with them that is so important to me. So I had to decide if I was going to quit opening the wounds to try to heal them in that manner and find another way. Sooooo very hard to do, I agree. I can feel what you are expressing with every ounce of my being. I'm not certain if we put the same meaning on this, but this is my individual way of looking at it . There are times when I think I get confused about the difference in 'forgiving ' and just stopping thinking about it, not keeping it fueled to feel it so much. Is that forgiving ? Or is that letting go ? Are they the same or different ? I know I decided I wasn't getting from them what I thought I needed to get over it. And not being around them for a long time helped those things to take the back burner for a long time. Then I decided one way to deal with some of it was to let it be OK not to want to know anymore. Some things they just made up answers to anyway and wasn't really from their heart, was just to shut me up or other various reasons. Then I decided to look at the different ways in which we put meanings on things and how mine differed from theirs. Maybe they just didn't look at it the same way or put the same meaning ? Who knows ? For the A's I had decided that they just weren't in touch with the same level of feelings as I and tried to let it be OK. And this reasoning goes on. I'm reminded lots sometimes about what I wanted from them. And if I focus too much can get hung up in it all over again. So for some things I ask HP to forgive me for not understanding about forgivenness and doubting that I know how to and maybe help me to find another way to feel like I get it. Maybe its not a sure thing. And maybe its a back and forth kinda thing. And maybe when I go home one day , it can happen then. Who knows ?
I'm not sure if sharing this helps to see others stuggle with this and its not so easy for some of us as it seems to be for others.
Take what you want and leave the rest. Live and Let Live
BLESSINGS, HOPE, PEACE,COURAGE,ETC.......LUV IN RECOVERY
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I feel better today. Shed a few tears reading you responses.
Trying to remember this did not happen overnight and will take time. We all make mistakes, have our moods, good days and bad.
''There are times that I think and ask myself am I just wanting a validation and that would do ? If I got it what then ? Most times, no way will they acknowledge they did a certain thing. I think the acknowledgement would and could bring about so many other feelings and actions or responses. Sometimes I think them not even acknowledging it would allow them to get away with it and do it some more. Then I get into they don't accept me because they won't listen to what I need , for them to hear my feelings and say or show me you understand where I'm at and how it felt/feel ! ''
The above quote really hit home. I may be looking for a bit of validation or acceptance for who and what I am... as I am. There are days no matter what I do or say it is wrong. I come from a family where the package and keeping up appearances is very important. It seems when one does'nt apologize, it certainly gives them alot of power within the relationship as well as keep up their appearance. Maybe for some the appearance is the esscence of their soul. Awknowledge there is an issue with the package/appearance with an apology and they may have to look at themselves and see something they do not like nor can accept.
The pendelum seems to be swinging from one extreme to another. From being so tolerant to very little tolerance. Looking and working towards the day the pendelum finds a happy balance.
A family member threw me a bone and I wept. They said someone suggested to them.... maybe my sack or bottle was simply full right now. That I'm holding all I can at the moment. Anything extra pops my cork or spills out of the bag. Nice to receive a bit of recognition and a pinch of understanding from a family member that my life is in turmoil right now. Instead of.... well you wanted a separation which led to divorce.
For now I need to move away from it, until I can be around it without popping my cork. If I have to be around it create a greater awareness of how I'm affected and do my best to keep my cork from popping.
This board is a life saver. There is a daily abundance of kindness gentle compassion and thoughtful leading in healthier directions.
Hopefloats, 
