Thanks Paul for your service and ESH. A therapist I had years ago, long before program, just so happened to be a certified alcohol counselor/therapist. When he started talking about my ability to be in control of my day, my feelings, etc., I thought he didnt know what he was talking about. I felt like everyone was making me miserable and my only choice was to be at their mercy. Ha! He was right! I neednt figure anyone else out. This idea of focusing on myself is the only way to sanity. Focusing on others keeps me locked in a prison. Grateful member.

I have a lot of ideas  why I was so dependent on the alcoholic.

I have had to forgive myself for those 

I also have ideas why it was so hard for me to give up.trying 

I.gsve also had to forgive myself for that 

The irony is that whatever the #why# the qualifier drank I.hd no.control of 

The qualifier was hopelessly enmeshed with his mother. Any attempt I made to recognize that situation resulted in them being more enmeshed 

Everything I tried to do the qualifier sabotaged

That is incredibly painful to look at and acknowledge

 

It has taken me a long time to find ways to examine how I.cabe to be hopelessly invested in a no.wim situation 

The grief limit is spending some many years invested in that has cost ne a great deal in terms of health, wealth and future 

 

As an adult we all have to be invested in our futures 

I did not do that. I invested in a hopeless addict who was going downhill 

 

The qualifier is an incredible drain on his family. But that is their choice. His Uncle came up.with the famous metaphor of digging a hole. If you dig s hole feep.enough you cannot get out of it 

 

For some people there is a point of addiction there is no.turning back. 

 

For other people like my younger sister they get to.a functional place. However both her children have significant issues. My sister had to remain in denial to keep her functioning 

One of her sons is very much like her completely subsumed in a love affair with alcohol. Right now it is working for him 

 

I have been powerless over my family and their immense chaos ny whole life. Inam.grateful to be at a point where I no.longer have to deal with it. That was and  still is the best they can do. 

 

I am also aware that as much as peo people die from alcoholism people die from codependency too. Among my aunts the first to die was the codependent one. The one who.was always there for everyone else. She neglected herself dealing with the never ending crises caused by the family. They included an uncle who died in a reckless accident. They included the non stop financial crises generated by my aunt. They included all the unremitting daily chaos 

 

My cousin lives in that ongoing chaos. 

 

 

I no longer live in chaos My health has been permanently damaged. My body hurts. My body is damaged.   I will not he able to repair it. I can at least try to get healthy 

 

It is indeed sobering to let go.of why. Letting go.of why is the beginning of grief. Intense deep grief at all the lost opportunity 

Intense grief at the magnetic attrctiinnto chaotic deprived individuals. I connected people at the #wound#.  Now I connect at different levels. The wound no longer has the magnetic qualities it once had 

 

I.aim to connect at #joy# but I am not there yet 

I have a goal and that is a worthy goal  

Maresie 

 

Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you to all for your shares & ESH. I happen to be one who, insanely so at times, really, really wanted to get to the 'root cause' of all things - including the motives of others. I have been extremely curious and possibly very nosy for a lifetime and felt that it was my job as a wife, mother, sister, daughter, etc. to inquire, "What were you thinking?"

I've learned in Al-Anon that being curious is not bad. Looking for root causes so as to not repeat mistakes is not bad. What makes it unhealthy for me is that I have obsessive tendencies. No matter how another answers my query, I'm often not satisfied and more questions are raised. If I want to keep my serenity, my chances are way better when I stay within my own hula-hoop. If I want healthy relationships with others, I need to be mindful of their boundaries and privacy. When that 'itch' arises within me, I am much better served by asking myself, "Why is it you believe you need to know." Which, is answered often, if I'm honest - I don't and it's possibly not my business.

The more I practice authenticity and autonomy, the more peace I have in my mind and my heart. When that curiosity comes to mind in me, I really, really need to just check my motives. I no longer enjoy those fleeting moments of superiority and 'right-fighting', which is growth for me. I absolutely live by, when in doubt, don't....it's a great slogan for the way my mind works.

Happy Tuesday to all - of course, I opened my day with a round of golf and came home to continue some canning/cooking. I hope all had a joyful day! (((Hugs)))

Bbrave 

 

I am sure there are lots of family interventions that do not go.well. we only see the carefully choreographed ones on TV. They are that scripted 

 

For me personally there were lots of years of being righteous.  Righteousness saved me in a lot of ways. Righteousness meant I believed some things could be changed 

I often think.about meeting some people I know who are out there. I no longer believe I can do or say anything to change their perspective. That means I am at a loss for words around them 

That certainly is not hopeful realistic but not hopeful 

 

I do not doubt many many families have been in your predicament. My former qualifier had everything to gain by being sober. He would not entertain it 

He is no longer in a place where he can cause ne any hardsh

 

However there us no.question he caused hardship for years. Only a saint would not feel #righteous,# about that. I think it certainly takes a long time to work through those feelings. Certainly all those feelings are absolutely valid 

All feelings are valid but is what we do with them that matters 

Maresie