The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Has someone ever said something to you that made you question your thoughts? Or your memories? If yes, then there is no doubt that they are gaslighting you.
A very common psychological abuse, gaslighting often goes unnoticed. It makes a person question their sanity, perception of reality, or memories.
Also, people experiencing gaslighting often feel confused, anxious, and unable to trust themselves. Even more importantly, its the subtlest of phrases that people use that gaslights you. Below mentioned are 7 such phrases people use to silence you.
1. "You are crazy and need help"
People who gaslight often play doctors to their victims. They would rather you question your own sanity so you believe that the problem is really you, rather than their own deceptiveness and manipulation. So as long as you are the one who needs "help", they will never have to take responsibility for changing their own ways of thinking and behaving.
2. "You must work on that"
Such phrases play with our emotional well-being. It's usually used when you react or behave in a way someone doesn't like in order to make you think the behavior is problematic. However, the truth is that it is only problematic for the other person because it doesn't fit into the box they want to keep you in. It's a way of asserting dominance over your mind.
3. "You are just insecure and jealous"
This is their way of planting seeds of insecurity and doubt in your mind about your personality, attractiveness, and personality. This allows people to have control over you. Also, they do so to avoid suspicion and to continue to reap the benefits of multiple sources of attention and praise.
4. "You are too sensitive/you are overreacting"
Such a phrase proves that the person gaslighting you doesn't care about your emotions at all. As per experts, claiming that victims are overreacting or over-sensitive to emotional abuse is a popular way for people to override your certainty about the severity of the abuse you experienced.
5. "Maybe thats what you heard in your head, but its not what I said"
This phrase denies your reality, your feelings, and asserts control over you. By saying this, the other person makes it clear that they haven't done or said anything wrong. It is you who is making things up in your head.
6. "It was just a joke"
Disguising cruel remarks, negative comments, etc. as "just jokes" is a popular tactic of people to gaslight you. They can engage in acts of name-calling, taunting, belittling, and contempt while escaping the responsibility of issuing an apology.
7. "You are the problem here, not me"
Its common for abusive partners to call their victims narcissists and abusers, and to dump their own qualities and behaviors onto their victims. This is a way for them to gaslight their victims into believing that they are the ones at fault.
I am reading this list and I am thinking of my first alcoholic husband who was just awful to me.
He exploited my insecurities and would tell me that its all my problem and my insecurity when he would be abusive and cruel and insulting
I knew I needed help but in his mind, he was OK. And I knew I needed help I agreed with that but not to his face because I knew he would exploit that and use it against me but I knew I needed to get into recovery
I remember at our wedding rehearsal and oh my goodness this should have been a big red flag for me to run. I had injured my right foot playing tennis and he insisted that I wear dressy shoes and I told him that I was in pain well I went to the rehearsal and I was limping and he made a big spectacle about how bad I walked and how awkward I looked and when I looked at him and said Im out of here he quickly gathered himself up and said oh it was just a joke I was just being funny. And I said well you can be funny by yourself and walking down the aisle by yourself and I took off my shoes and thanked the guests for being there and I walked away I walked out. Of course he did everything under the sun to get me to reconsider marrying him and I didnt wanna be alone. We had gone this far, so I went ahead and married him and the gaslighting really increased after that
And every time I did address a bad behavior on his part , He would just tell me it was in my head and that the problem was me and that my insecurities were rearing their head. I remember him hammering into me that I was insecure. So I began to feel less and less of a person I began to question things that I saw in front of my eyes because he would make it look like I was crazy and I began to doubt my own five senses and I began to re-press and suppress not only my feelings but my own instincts.
I am so grateful I got away from him but it would be years later before I ended up in Al-Anon and I remember going to the meetings when we had that really good group and I remember sharing about this and how everybody could relate in someway or another. I look at my alcoholic brother who is kind and gentle and loving and oh if he says something that is triggering to me or whatever, he immediately makes amends. He did for a wild go to AA when he was on 90 day suspension for his license and I had so hoped he would stay in the program because he learned a lot in those 90 days but once he got out with license in hand, program went down the toilet. It saddens me but I am powerless over his decisions. I love him but I hate the disease
And I noticed one common denominator with people who gaslight: they never take responsibility for their wrongdoing--it is always somebody elses defect or fault. I could catch him red-handed in a lie or another twisting of the truth to get his own way and I would call him out on it and he would twist it to make it look like it was my misconception or I was unfairly picking on him. It got to the point where I just did not bother talking with him anymore. We only lasted five years because my instincts though bruised, knew that I needed to get out and fast and so I did
I am thinking about the Alanon focus: 'Let it begin with me' and the suggestion that we focus on how we can use the tools of Alanon, rather than the cataloguing and study of various harmful tactics used by others.
I can't help but think there may be more value and more felt Serenity in the focus and discussion of Spiritual recovery definitions, slogans and tools based upon the 12 Steps and how we may be using them to overcome various challenges we face...
Just a thought
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul. I am one who, yes looks at the problem, but I too, want to look at the solution. I like to look at all sides. Sadly gaslighting is something that alcoholics like to do maybe to cover up their wrongs I dont know Im not a psychologist but had I been in recovery at the time, I wouldve kept the focus on me and I would have applied the how important is it slogan but for me looking at all sides and all parts of recovery the good and the not so good helpEd me. Its like in order for me to move away from my past I had to look at it and I had to examine it. We call it the rain method where are you recognize and allow and accept the feelings. Then to investigate them where their origins are what brought them up what was the catalyst that caused them and then of course the N would stand for Nurturing and nourishing myself. Ive always been solution minded but looking at the problem and understanding it but not tethering myself to it has been the best thing for me to sort through and get to the solution and for it to have any real lasting meaning. I hope this post made sense LOL
looking at the whole spectrum, the problem and the solution, has brought me to the place where I can feel compassion for the alcoholic while I set good boundaries and do self-care.
Thank you for your input. I totally agree it took me a long time to get to where you are but I see big progress where I can love and or feel compassion for the alcoholic and detach from the disease.
I just thought this was interesting in that I felt so alone back then but I do not feel alone anymore. My brother is the only active alcoholic in my life at this time and I am very grateful that he is kind and he is spiritual but I have also come to realize that I am powerless over his decisions not to go back to the program but I can work my program and still have a very good relationship with him. And I can only do that because I work my program
-- Edited by mamalioness on Friday 9th of July 2021 07:24:42 AM
