The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Another evening with AH in hospital. Being told how much his liver is damaged, to just a few hours later declaring he was told he was healthy.
Denial is such a demon. But now I see it for what it truly is. A defence mechanism which if torn down would lay reality bare. And that is too much for him to handle. But I must remember my own denial back in the days before Alanon. The endless googling of his symptoms, which always pointed to alcohol but no matter how many times it came up, I fruitlessly carried on searching for an alternative more palatable reason.
I thought I would never feel detached love, but I think I understand it now. Even when death beckons, denial is there, because for him sadly death may be a more acceptable path than the truth.
And for me letting go is harder still and facing my own ultimate denial.
Thankyou for being there. It helps me just knowing that others have trodden this path. That this will pass no matter how dark it feels right now and that somewhere my HP is looking out for me.
Mahalo Better than for your most informed and compassionate share. Did it matter for me? Absolutely as it is/was reality, real life reality also which like you included others I cared about and myself who alcoholism very very nearly assumed my life leaving me in the condition of a toxic shock and near death without understanding and unable to come to understanding even while I was in toxic shock laying on the concrete floor with only a breath and heartbeat and no idea of time.
You do know the most important awareness of alcoholism for the alcoholic; this is a fatal disease and other then total abstinense there is no cure. I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know about the disease aspect of alcohol addiction. I never understood that the manner in which I drank was life threatening until my toxic shock event. My families both sides were alcoholic and addict and too Nationality played a huge part in our family disease until abstinence arrived quietly for me. There was nothing wrong with my drinking even while friends and family use to ask, "How in the world can you drink like that?" I always drank that way and there was no such thing as denial.
My journey in sobriety includes an awesome relationship with a sponsor chosen I believe by my HP and only part of his guideance led me to study my disease in college. Just one of the most important things I learned in college was the connection between drinking and the ego. Drinking styles are so important, how much, how often, where and with who and such and to belittle these styles and characteristics also belittle the ego. To admit I could not drink was no reality so to finally drink till I dropped and having the chemical do that withhout my permission or awareness was not reality...a denial.
I was made aware of the presence of alcohol addiction by professionals; my personal doctor, nurses in the program, college, etc and the toxic shock attack oh and including I was jaundiced for years due to urine purged under my skin.
I was rarely ever drunk!!
Expect his denial. It is so very important to him to not be a drunk (a alcoholic) even he will look down on drunks and how they talk, feel and act.
You have got great understanding and it is awesome you bring it amoung others that also need to understand...Thank you. My professor in college once told the class that the nearest distance between the drink and a drunk was the distance between the back of the tongue and the central nervous system....a few inches. True.
Keep up your growth. We can keep him in support and pray he comes to understand while we pray for your continued ESH. ((((HUGS))))
I know a small part of what it means to have liver failure. When I was a child my kidneys failed. Then my liver started to fail
I can imagine this is indeed a very hard time for you
I am glad you are leaning on this board. I have to say it means a great deal to me that you feel this space is a resource for you .
I am sorry you are in this position
I have been aware lately of how many people I know who addiction took out.
Liver failure is indeed a really difficult thing to witness
There is no point beating yourself up about denial. We all have had denial. In so many ways denial is the way many of us make it through very difficult times.
I am very conscious that at certain points I only had denial
I am glad you are here getting complete support and understanding.
((Bettertomorrow)), I am so sorry you are in this situation. My thoughts are with you. I have been there, with an alcoholic loved one very sick in the hospital and my own coming to the realization that, as one of the doctors told me, "alcohol caused some of his conditions and made other conditions worse."
I finally learned, though, to take care of myself while the hospital was taking care of him. One day at a time was all I could do, and thankfully the program taught me that is the way.
I can only tell you my experience. I had to walk through it, but I did not have to walk through it alone. I did not know how long I was going to have to keep walking, but I only had to do one day at a time. There was light on the other side.
(((BetterTomorrow))) - prayers for you and your AH. I also did not know what I did not know until more was revealed. As cliche as it sounds, it was very true for me. My denial had denial and my disease and my denial worked really well until it did not. I also agree that denial is an unintended choice at times, used as a protective measure simply because the truth is too much to accept/deal with.
I truly am sorry for how this disease is affecting you. I do hope you continue to find some level of comfort in your program, your recovery and the support of us and all who've loved another with this disease. I see your courage with your pain and your wisdom shining through. Keep doing what you're doing - it looks good on you and you're doing good!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
The denial that exists with addictions is indeed very powerful. I applaud you for seeing through it. I am hoping (and asking my HP) that you have a better day today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It really does mean a lot to me.
Even now, I can see my own recovery.
He is asking for help, pleading for help and then with the next breath, turning it all away. it is truly like watching a clash of titans, the battle going on inside him.
In my earlier days of recovery, whenever he asked for help, I would leap on it - be there with all the pamphlets, information and badgering him whether he had made contact. Bless him he even went to AA, probably to stop my moaning in the moment, but of course he was not there because he wanted to be there and so nothing changed except my moaning kept the focus on the alcohol and away from him taking responsibility for himself and more importantly away from me taking responsibility just for myself.
Today I got up and treated myself to a wonderful fruit filled and healthy breakfast at a local brunch cafe. An acquaintance called me and asked how I could serenely be sitting and eating breakfast in a cafe when I should have been in the hospital. At that moment, I wasn't in denial - I was focusing on my own self care and recovery and amongst all the inner sadness, it felt good.
Thank you once again. This board and all its lovely members have been a life saver for me. I hope that one day I can return the favour for people who are starting down the same road.
Love and peace to you all, wherever you are in the world.
Bettertomorrow, through you, my HP is showing me love and service in action. Your courage, grace, and reaching out generated responses from MIP that inspire my soul. Please continue to self-care and will keep you in my prayers.
Better tomorrow
So sorry to hear that your friend considers being a martyr is the only route for you
Glad you could resist them
Breakfast is indeed one of my favorite meals
I adore brunch
Thank you for keeping us up to date
Taking care of ourselves is so key
Maresie
