The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I read all of the posts it seems that there is one common thread for a lot of us. Somewhere along the line there was alcoholism involved before we met our AW, AH, ABF,AGF, etc. It took me a long time to realize it, but looking back I see that my mother was a very functional alcoholic, just like my AW. I either should have seen, or saw and chose to ignore that my AW had a drinking problem even before we got married. Did I let that stop me? No! Was it in some way attractive to me? Hard to believe that that might be the case. Was it because she reminded me so much of my mother? Could be! It is almost like the proverbial deer frozen by oncoming headlights -- you just can't seem to get away from it! It seems that if we have had prior problems dealing with alcoholism, we would run like crazy to avoid being around it again, but we don't. Why do you think that is? A real curiosity for me!!!! Thanx!
In analyzing myself I am a fixer, alcohol or not. My first husband needed help raising his three kids, what happen was I wound up doing it for him and he was more than happy to let me.
All my friends where I grew up are alcoholics, either in stable relationsionships, or none at all because they choose not to be. They choose not to have licenses, because they know they won't hang on to one. I enjoy going home to visit, and am glad to leave because they wear me out being the designatetd driver. Yes I enable them, but they do not hurt my life in anyway.
My second husband, the big A which brought me here was also in turmoil when we started dating. I wanted to help him through the difficult time. I don't know if that comes from my medical background and wanting to fix everyone, to treat all the problems I see or what.
Another theory I have is that i was raised in a household with a handicapped brother, and I was raised with a compassion for the elderly and the disabled. And I just take it to the extreme of having to help everyone. I keep all of these things in mind now, and I learned how to say no, it is still hard to say no to work, because I know people ar going to suffer if they r short handed. But I am getting better.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Especially for me. As I have no alcholism or addiction in my family whatsoever...
I got to be married to an EXTREMELY high functioning SEVERE alcoholic simply due to his genius at hiding it.
My father was a professional man, an electrical engineer, and he was a great Dad. Had no addictions. Bought a home a mile from his job so that he could come home for lunch everyday and see us. After work he came home, read the paper, watched the news, ate dinner with us at the table, helped us with homework, watched PBS with us, and went to bed. On weekends we went shopping as a family and went to parks, etc. on Sunday church and pizza night, very "Leave it to Beaver-ish". Yes, I know how fortunate I was.
Well...I met my husband in college. He was an instructor! I met him in the library. I am an "old fashioned girl", I never drank or smoked or tried any drugs, I don't even use swear words. Even my friends consider me somewhat of a "square".
I did not expect to meet an alcoholic at my college library...who was a math instructor. He was a couple of years younger than I, but was already in graduate school, a high achiever. It truly never crossed my mind that that handsome star college athlete genius was an alcholic! Who would have thought he had time? Besides all he does professionally, he is also a body builder, the anti-type of the classic alcoholic. And this was not that long ago either...about 13 years ago.
Being old fashioned we were not intimate before marrying, and we did not live together before we married. I knew him for two years before we got married. Our dates consisted of museums, walks in the parks, study dates, and movies and restaurants. He never once drank in front of me or mentioned drinking at all.
Who in their right mind would consider this guy a hard core alcholic at age 28 after accomplishing so much? He came from a good family, his father was a retired principal, his mother a county commisioner, church attending, and "pillars of the community". No addiction in this family either. I knew his parents and family well before we married.
AFTER we married I got the shock of my life to discover his secret. His ENTIRE life was built around his efforts to hide his addiction. Although carefully abstaining from alcohol before we married, don't think he hesitated to bring it out afterwards.
I went from shock to pitying him...what a way to live life...building your entire existance around a lie, the person you want to be, rather than the person that you are. He is an empty shell. He even admitted later on that marrying me was part of his efforts to hide his addiction. His "life plan' to take certain "normal developmental steps" when he thinks people expect him too. He says "No one will believe that a responsible family man is an alcoholic." SIGH!
I too heard from some people that I "subconsciously married an alcoholic" since there was something wrong with me. I even began therapy to see if that was true. My therapist told me that SOME people who grew up with alcoholism marry it, but others to are duped or taken in by very intelligent high functioning people who make it their lifes goal to hide it, like I was. You can't always blame your family of origin for everything bad that happens to you in life.
My husband can even fool DOCTORS who see this stuff all of the time and are trained to deal with it and recognize it. Are they internally flawed as well? Are they 'sick' too? Is there something wrong with them? I don't think so. If he can fool professionals who have training in identifying alcoholics, what chance would I have?
And, don't think he has a mild problem either...he is an extremely severe alcoholic. Only because he is a genius is he able to hide it, as brain cells are damaged he has many many more to take over. He went for years with DAILY blackouts and crazy behavior. But he only drinks at home, to hide it. He carefully totally abstains from alcoohol in public. I have seen him drink up to two gallons of malt liqour a day. He stays comatose most weekends. I would go shopping with daughter many Saturdays and return home to him passed out on floor with empty bottles surrounding him. He urinated so much into our mattress that it had to be thrown out. I am still incredulous that he is able to function the way he is. It can't last...alanon has taught me to prepare MYSELF for a life when he can no longer keep this up.
My husband's lie was almost exposed recently. He failed a life insurance test due to his liver functions being off. He had been warned to not do his regular workout the day of the test. When he failed it he asked for a copy to take to his doctor to "make sure he was really OK" then took the lab results and researched them thoroughly. He found out that SOMETIMES liver tests can be off due to excessive working out with weights. So, he went to our regular doctor (who had no clue) and told him that he had decided to go the gym ANYWAY that day (total LIE) and that he felt that perhaps the liver tests were off for that. Although another doctor told me that working out would not explain away one of the test numbers...SIGH. He told the doctor that he did not drink and was a health fanatic. This doctor put his reputation on the line and unwittingly committed insurance fraud by writing a letter that my husband was not an alcoholic, did not drink too much, and was in PERFECT health and just too overzealous at the gym. This was with the test results of an alcholic liver profile in WRITING in front of his face!
This was not any young inexperienced doctor either. But a doctor well into his sixties who ran the free clinic on his days off, who was well acqauinted with alcoholics (as he saw an awful lot of them), their lies, and their way of life.
So, sometimes it is because people have pshycological issues from an upbrining surrounded by untreated addiction, and sometimes the person can be healthy and just taken in by an extremely high functioning alcoholic. Especially if you are the "old fashioned" type and do not live with your spouse before marrying.
It is important not to take too much blame and beat ourselves up, the alcoholics do enough of that.
I don't take any blame for marrying my husband. He was unfailingily polite, reliable, thoughtful and loving before we married. He is a professional con artist, he will take the blame for lying and misrepresenting himself.
BTW, my therapist also told me that in this stressful world, addiction is RAMPANT. A great majority of people suffer from one kind of addiction or another, and many of them are chemical. So, he said chances are high that many people will meet and date someone with a chemical addiction. Some are better at hiding it than others.
In my case I was 17 years old when I met and married the man (alcoholic) I am still with 36 years later.( but soon separating from) My father was an alcoholic,my mother was NOT, but all my siblings, 3 brothers and 3 sisters, are. Myself and my mom are the only alanuts.( but she never found Alanon)
I have given some thought to the attraction theory.I have heard it said in Alanon that we attract A's.As I said I was 17.What attracted me to my husband was that he thought I was beautiful and that he was the luckiest man in the world.He put me on a pedestal and adored me.I was so emotionally neglected as a child and so empty I soaked it up like a sponge and wanted more.So I married him.He didn't drink then,we drank pepsi.After we were married he started drinking one night a week.Every Thursday night.It slowly escalated until he was out of control and unable to stop after a few.He found AA 16 years ago but is now dry drunk.
Anyway,I have found myself attracted to other alcoholic men at times.I think as someone in another reply said, it was the fixer in me.I say WAS because I find I am no longer attracted to them.I am through with alcoholics.Funny thing, I started watching Gunsmoke a couple of years ago.( don't know if you are old enough to remember it)They were showing repeats of the old black and white episodes on the Westerns channel and I would come home from work every night and watch it.I fell in love with the character Matt Dillon.For the first time in my life I am so drawn to goodness. Kindness. Matt Dillon ( yes I know he doesn't exist) was strong,kind,a real man but with real feelings.He was gentle and honest.Dependable.Did the right thing even when no one was looking and even when it was hard for him to do.That is what I am attracted to now.
I have read many times that we attract what we are.I used to be a very sick person.When I met my AH,even tho I was very young I already had alot of baggage from growing up in an alcoholic home.I was very needy.He may have just seen a pretty girl but I think there was something else at work.I think he knew I would take care of him.I was shy,not a flirt.I loved kids and babies.I was a nurturer.Maybe A's are just attracted to givers.But there must be something there,or else why are there so many Alanons who don't drink,married to A's?
I guess I really don't have an answer,just my humble opinion as they say.
Like Isabela, I had no experience with alcoholism. Never in my life. So I didn't recognize it when it fit me in the face. Talk about denial!!! I was the denial queen. "No! No! NO!! This couldn't be!! He doesn't drink. Something else must be causing this behavior." Ever hear anything so stupid?
I don't know which is stranger...hooking up with an A and knowing it, or not recognizing an A when you see one...YIKES!
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you all for your replys. I sure found it interesting that there are so many different reasons that we become attached to our A's. I guess there is no real answer. Oh, and I sure do remember Gunsmoke! Isabella - your story is amazing - and fascinating. Thank you all!
