The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Dear MIP family.
As I have shared before I am separated from my AH and have been making progress in my own recovery.
The challenge I am now facing is that my AH is spiralling rapidly downwards and it is so, so painful to watch, even from a distance.
I am practicing detachment, keeping to my side of the street and all the other great tools I have learned in Alanon. I am trying to hand myself over to my HP but I feel lost.
How did others get through the darker days. How can I switch this pain off or at least lessen it. The pain of watching someone I loved kill himself and being close to the end.
Thank you
Bettertomorrow - I am so sorry for the feelings you are having. My experience is that it is the hardest thing I've ever done - letting another whom I love dearly go. It was uncomfortable and foreign for me to put myself first, take care of myself, tend to my own recovery and practice this program. The pain is real and my best tool at the time and continues to work for me is praying for them. I didn't even know how to do this and still don't do it well yet find comfort in not only turning my will and my life over to the care of the God of my understanding but also turning them over.
At any point my heart would drop or my mind would fill with worry and I'd begin ruminating about the past, what could have been or the future and how things might go, I'd stop myself when I realized and just pray. I'm not good with meditation but have learned a couple of deep breathing exercises which help calm me and clear my mind a bit.
I'm a big fan of also getting busy to get better. I do not do well (in my mind) in sitting still for too long. I will take a walk, listen to a book/music, clean a closet, cook or bake, golf, exercise, etc. Any action I take, program related or self-care tends to help change my thinking. Take really good care of you - you are worth it...
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi better tomorrow. I have not experienced end stage alcoholism so I can not speak to it. But noentheless, i understand loss, impending loss and powerlessness over it. Sometimes the only way out is through. Meetings, excercise, eating well and regularly...these are all things that are essential to my self care and my functioning. Sending comfort. Edited to add: I agree with IAH re: busy to get better. I find cleaning and decluttering with intention to be very therapeutic. Also, fresh flowers or floral scents.
-- Edited by a4l on Friday 2nd of July 2021 07:08:53 PM
{{{Bettertomorrow}}}, I am so sorry you are facing this. I was in a somewhat similar situation, and all I can add -- in addition to all kinds of self-care and staying busy -- is that reaching out to trusted people helped me. Some were in Al-Anon, some were trusted friends outside of the program. I had to lighten my burden by sharing it.
I know this is a very hard part of life to walk through. The slogan One Day At A Time helped me. I can share that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, both for me and my loved one.
Better tomorrow
Some time ago one of my.dearesr friends committed suicide. He never really shared what was going on with him. My friend was generous kind and very veri supportive of others
Recently I attended a community meeting
The meeting was partly focused on the fact there had been some fatalities. As part of the process the moderators set up an time where people could share their grief
That process was indeed very special. I am glad I witnessed it
When we are grieving it is key to share our grief.
I know those people who lost a loved one were given the attention and care they needed
In al anon some of us are indeed heard
I think that was very very helpful
Grief is a hard one. You are not alone at any time here .
(((Bettertomorrow))), Hope you are keeping well and safe. I wish to convey my deep sorrow for the pain you are in. I believe self care (as noted by other members) is extremely important.
Please continue to reach out. I hope you and your loved one(s) find peace and comfort. Thank you for your example...your shares have eased my journey since coming to MIP. (((HUGS)))
[BT] I hope you are hanging in there the best you can. I had years of those dark days. Without this program I'm not sure where I'd be. Leaning into all my tools, sponsor, meetings, program friends, all helped. Continuing self-care was paramount even though I did not feel like it at all. Reminding myself of the usual things that brought me joy and putting myself in front of them, was vital, and again, it was a struggle. Aware of my A's drinking and driving was one of the most disturbing elements to me. It's one thing if you take chances with yourself, but to put others in jeopardy just rattled my brain. Someone said to me, if you are going through hell, keep going....
I do feel like I am going through hell, but I can only keep going and pray and know that at some point I will come out the other side.
It is indeed one minute at a time for me currently. I am doing all I can to just keep giving myself some self care and just focusing on getting through the next moment.
