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Through this whole ordeal, I have come to feel compassion for my AW where I only had anger and dismay before. Almost from the day I read the first piece of Al-Anon literature, the lightbulb went on and I imediately lost my anger for the fact that she won't stop drinking.
Over the last few weeks I have gained a lot of compassion for her lashing out, due to fear of being alone, guilt of being the center of our chaos (even though that is a shared responsability) and shame of what that means to our kids.
I really am not angry at "her". Hate the disease with a passion, but I see her as a victim where I never did before.
All sounds great doesn't it...
All that new found compassion is a feeling within me... I don't think I am expressing it to her, or if I am she is not seeing it. She is angry all the time, very angry. Unreasonably angry to the point it is making her physically sick.
When she is like this I have a hard time expressing my compassion for her situation. I certainly don't feel passionate with someone who is cussing me up one side and down the other.
I love her, but I don't like what she is doing and it makes me sad that it is affecting her the way it is. I guess I am just at a loss as to how to handle this. I obsess over it quite a bit.
She tells me that I am withdrawing from her... and I am. I am because she is in a constant state of rage. The only way I know to avoid going there with her is to politely avoid it.
signed .... dazed and confused
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
It is certainly a whole lot easier to have compassion for our A's when they are not raging at us, much more difficult when they are. My AW is generally easy going even when she has been drinking heavily, but once in a while she will display some anger, at me and everone that she thinks has ever done something to her or failed to do something. On those rare occassions, I really withdraw and detach until she calms down or passes out. I do not know what I would do given the situation you describe. Wish I had some answers or suggestions for you. I hope that you are able to continue to use the skills you have gained to negate the feelings your A can generate in you. Best wishes,
Hi rtexas! Your posts are so powerful--and I feel your dilemma because I know it, and have been there! My guess, for what it's worth, is that your A won't be ABLE to feel your compassion because she doesn't yet know how to have any for herself. It's very scary for her to open to that, even the slightest bit, I would think--because that would mean breaking the denial about what she's doing to herself. It's a terribly tough place to be, for you and for her. But until she's ready to do something about the disease (step 1), the only thing you can do is to keep taking care of yourself. That's the only hope for both of you, but she won't be able to see that yet.
It takes a lot of courage and stick-to-it-tiveness, but you have stepped off that merry-go-round, and all you can do is keep going for the recovery for yourself. She won't like it because it's the biggest threat to her denial.
I can't advise you what to do--just say a prayer for you that you have the strength to keep going with what you know is right for you. She may see the changes and start wanting that for herself. Or not.
I so understand your feelings. It is so difficult even after we gain understanding of why they say or do the things that they do....and it is such a relief to understand that the disease is such a big part of the problem.
However, that isnt always enough when they are raging at us. We may have the compassion and understanding in us, but it is hard to display when their disease is in control of them.
The best we can do is to try to use the tools we have been given, to try to deal with the moments in a way that protects us the best we can. So that we dont cause further crap to pile up on top of us from our own side of the street. I have moments when dealing with one of the a's in my life where I give away my serenity again. And it always makes me feel bad afterwards. But I just have to remind myself that I am not perfect. That I am only human. Forgive myself for my "slip" and go foward starting the day over again.
It's funny because in prayer this morning I was thinking how does HP teach someone about compassion when they are in denial and angry at themselves and the world? The only answer I came up with this morning was to be an example of compassion to those who cannot feel compassion themselves. I don't think that means to be a doormat as I've done in the past but it means "detach with love". My A is having a bad day, angry, and voicing his rage all over the place. I can say, I'm sorry you are having a tough time, what do you need from me?" As I posted earlier in the week he's been snappy, grumpy, and abusive for over a week, I've said, sorry your having a bad day but that does not give you the right to abuse us or take your frustration out on us. I try to validate his anger, but I can't fix it. I can't wave my magic wand like i wish I had and make it all right. I think he looks to me for help for compassion, he is even demanding that I validate his frustration, which he never did in the past. I don't get that validation back all the time, when he's in a good mood yes, when he's miserable he is not rational and nothing I say or do is good enough. I am learning to say to him you do what you need to do to feel better and walk away. I do believe a great deal of his anger and frustration is because he knows he's got a problem he wants to feel better. The alcohol is physically getting to him, he's got ulcers and drinking is the worst thing for it. He's sees his life is not going the way he'd like it to, but he can't seem to make the right choices in bettering it for himself. I don't struggle like this and I never have. I have my problems but I generally try to be responsible and make the right choices for me and my family. As a man he knows he's not doing the best he can.
As hard as it is for us to watch them suffer, they must sit with their anger and their miserable feelings in order to say, I've had enough of this, I have to do something. I don't know if any of this helped, sorry if I rambled cause I'm still learning about compassion myself. Hope you get some good answers for you. Thanks for sharing.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I'd like to share some of my experiences relating to this, take what you like and leave the rest.
As I move thru this program, I've found myself at different stages. The awareness of the disease, my actions, and out comes. Just the pattern of everthing pre-alanon. His part, and my part. As I changed, I was happy. I was doing really good...until he started to change. Man, that thru a big ole' wrench in my program. There were times when my A was just as happy as I was, hmmm, boy that got my head spinning as to WHY. Then there were days when if that didn't get to me he'd be nasty, hateful even.
Thru all this I would apply Fake it Till You Make it. lol Finally it got to the point I didn't have to fake it, and I got use to the new cycle. Then I'd get comfortable again, and again he'd change the tempo of our dance and I'd battle falling into my old patterns. It is the same today, I can't afford to get comfortable with my program. I can't stop to think about why he does what he does....BUT these are a few things that were asked of me along the way and I want to ask them of you:
Do you allow anyone else in this world to talk to you as your A does?
What would your reaction be if someone else talked to you as your A has been?
Do realize that it is abuse, and is unacceptable?
Do you see that you teach your children what is acceptable, therefore showing them it is okay for someone to treat them that way? (that one really got me)
So what do you do? It's one thing not to react to an explosive situation, but continued verbal abuse is not avoiding a conflict, it is accepting unacceptable behavior. This is where I set my first true boundries. I refused to accept it any longer. When I set my boundries, I didn't argue or raise my voice and I picked my time to tell my A. I basicly said, No one speaks to me like you do, I don't allow it from others and I won't accept it any longer from you. If you raise your voice or yell at me, I'll walk away, leave, hang up etc. I give you the respect you deserve and that is all ask of you in return. When things would start to go as they had in the past, I'd say at the very beginning, don't yell at me. If the tone kept going up, I'd leave. Believe it or not, after setting my boundries, things started to change. For the better.
Again, take what you like and leave the rest...and if none of this applies, leave it all, lol. I'll be praying a little peace will come your way.
I love you all... you know that? I had to laugh at myself after reading this. As usual, where I see helplessness and dispair, you guys show me I have more to learn.
Ok see if you follow this... you have all helped me see my parts in this.
- God grant me the serenity to continue to provide compassion she can not see yet...
- God grant me the wisdom to answer those questions above honestly...
I read the questions and answered them to myself. Then I checked myself for truth... I really have to do that more often. LOL
Do you allow anyone else in this world to talk to you as your A does?
- My answer - no way
- honest answer - I do it all the time, cause I want to allow everyone to vent and be their savior. Ask anyone, at home, at work...
What would your reaction be if someone else talked to you as your A has been?
- My answer - be honest with them and tell them I don't appreciate that and they can keep it to themselves.
- Honest answer - Let them finish... really get it out, then turn into their shrink and help them rationalize what did all that mean and what can you do to not get there. (this works with rational people)
Do realize that it is abuse, and is unacceptable?
- My answer - absolutely
- Honest answer - no, they are just having a bad day, have a lot on their plate, their tired ... blah blah blah (think TwinMom called this being a "doormat")
Do you see that you teach your children what is acceptable, therefore showing them it is okay for someone to treat them that way?
- My answer - Yes children learn not only that dad is used to being yelled at, but mom gets her way by blowing up.
- Honest answer - I am providing my whole family an example of being tolarant of others points of view and how to help them work through those issues. So now superman has his feelings hurt cause it keeps happening. - duh
Thank you for making me think...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
