The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For those of you that have chosen to leave your relationship(for good,not temporarily),I would like some ESH on how you finally got to that place.
I'm considering it. I am not expecting or wanting advice,I am just curious how you got the strength to do it. How did you get to that place where you finally put yourself and your own happiness above anyone or anything else?
I have left before but felt so guilty and obligated I went back. If I do leave again I want it to be permanently,otherwise it's a waste of time and effort.
Thanks in advance
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Wednesday 16th of June 2021 03:46:30 PM
I am considering it but of course I don't plan on making that decision right at this moment. That's why I'm asking for ESH.
I am not going to apply the slogan "when in doubt,don't" to this situation. Nor do I think anyone should. I think that might be a big influence on why some stay stuck in a bad relationship.
I think there would always be doubts and I don't think anyone in an unhappy and verbally abusive relationship should adhere to that slogan.
Thanks for clarifying Debb. I misunderstood the intent of your mention of that slogan I guess.
Verbal abuse,while not considered life threatening by definition is actually threatening to one's life,as in their well being in general. So I'm grateful to hear it's not recommended to stay.
There, you needed a huge amount of hugs! I wish they could be more than just cyber hugs.
Secondly, I think it was a combination of doing a thorough Step 4 (my second) and going onto the Adult Children of Alcoholics site and reading about the long-term effects of living with an addicted person. That sealed the deal for me. I realized that the very thing I did 7 years ago (stay for my kid), was actually now hurting him! I wish I had that knowledge when my spouse completed the first rehab. I remind myself that as I learn more, I can make better choices... it helps ease the guilt I carry due to my choice then. I also remind myself that I was modeling how to give someone a second chance.
What I wouldn't do for myself, I mustered the courage to reach out for help so that I could have the strength to do it for my kid. My Step 4 work just helped me to realize that I couldn't live with (or accept I guess) living with the constant possibility of relapse - losing everything in your life,(but your life) twice, is extremely traumatic. I just knew I didn't have it in me to keep up that cycle. This realization didn't come right away, though. I still struggle, b/c I did not marry the person my Ex has become. There was no warning signs. In other words, I did not choose this life. Deep down he is a good person. It is just his brain chemistry has been changed, so that he isn't a person I would choose today to be married to, so why continue the marriage?
Sending you support.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
For me it was a combination of realising that I was slowly accepting more and more unacceptable behaviour and the feeling of dread I got whenever I was on my way home. I asked myself what was I getting from this 'relationship' and there was nothing positive.
I was tired of all the detaching to get some serenity and I just wanted a life that wasn't filled with treading on egg shells and importantly, space where I could work on me.
He was and is fully active and never sought recovery - would that have made a difference, I don't know.
The major crunch point was my children and the effects it was having on them. They deserved more. I deserved more.
Once it was done and we separated, I felt such a huge relief. The path is not all plain sailing as I still have alot of work I need to do on me, but it was the right decision for us.
Making a plan b was very helpful for me. That was to look at all the things I would need if I left . That took the pressure of That took the decision off the table for a while That helped with the detachment My resentment before then was corrosive Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Friday 18th of June 2021 12:20:18 PM
Wow, Bettertomorrow articulated what I also wanted to say, but couldn't find the words at that moment. Al-Anon helped me to understand that "dread" feeling. Why I was having it, and more importantly, that I deserved more in life than what I was getting. I too was tired of detaching so much just to make it through a day... sometimes a moment. I finally had to say, "What kind of marriage is that?" "Is this what you were promised, or signed up for?"
Someone on another site said this, and it has stuck with me... "Love is not supposed to hurt, it is an uplifting experience for both parties."
Well, it wasn't for me.
I hope your Friday is a good one!
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Honestly,that's how I have felt and thought, what kind of marriage is this.
I know I have a long way to go to fully grasp and work this program. I know I have so much work I need to do on myself.
I do my best to work this program,to detach,focus on myself, etc. But it's so extremely difficult in my current situation. As AH's disease progresses it's getting even more difficult.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Friday 18th of June 2021 09:48:42 AM
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Friday 18th of June 2021 09:51:21 AM
I have carried on thinking about this and another huge factor for me was the progression of his disease, as SF you have mentioned in your post.
I knew 'logically' that the disease would progress unless arrested, but it was only through actually living with it and through it that I truly experienced it getting worse.
The final wake-up call for me was when one day my AH didn't answer his phone (not an uncommon thing), but my 11 year old piped up 'perhaps he's dead' and I accepted that statement as if it was the most natural thing in the world for an 11 year old to say.
I finally accepted his 'rock bottom' may be terminal alcoholism and eventual death - and realised I just didn't want and couldn't be a part of that journey.
Sunnyfrogs
Leaving was one small part of it
I then went back and rescued him again
Be kind to yourself
Trauma bonds are hard to dissolve
For me personally I had to bond with someone. My family of origin were so so abusive. There is no one in my family of origin who was not harmed. Therefore I formed trauma bonds with others. .
Getting to the place where the trauma bonds are benign rather than destructive did not happen overnight
Enmeshment and codependency are extraordinarily sticky m
The al anon founder Lois remained eternally loyal and focused on Bill Wilson. He cheated on her. In fact he left money in his will to his #mistress# .
That is why it is so important to note al anon was birthed from trauma
In many ways that is why I really came to cherish Bill and Lois. They were so incredibly flawed but look.how much they gave to the recovery community
Everyone of us that recovers is giving so much back to the community
Maresie
SF, I got the strength after I inventoried myself.
I had a deep resentment that he was not trustworthy...
But the program is full of turnarounds and inventory turned it around for me so that I could be trustworthy for myself and my own happiness and take full responsibility. Finally I had something I was NOT powerless or helpless to change.
when I walked into divorce court, I was making amends to me. but also to him and to higher power. I let them off the hook completely. It was all very sad and painful for sure, the loss of a dream.
But it also made me feel stronger and more in control of my life.. to continue working on myself and why I believe I was put on the planet in the first place.
Some in recovery may have much stronger minds and can easily detach, idk. Or perhaps they simply did not experience walking in my shoes. I had to physically detach and just love him from afar.
Praying for him feels like I continue to honor my marriage vow...
I have discovered through inventory that at one.point.the qualifier and others were most certainly helpful to me. Indeed they were very helpful and motivated
Then when the relationship got to a certain point they stopped being helpful The qualifier could certainly be attentive responsive and appear to be committed. But that was when he wanted something. When I left him he most certainly knew how to yank me back in However after diligently working on alanon issues I could let go
In addition the qualifier had a dog, a beagle. He totally abandoned his dog. Left him alone without food for days I felt I had to step in and take the dog
It was bad enough what he did to me. When he graduated to neglecting his dog that was another piece Needless to say I was in no state to take on this dog
So leaving was not easy. I certainly went backward wavered
Ironically enough it was the qualifier's uncle who helped immeasurably The qualifier eventually went and imposed on this Uncle This was a man who.was already taking care of a disabled brother, that is as well as several step children. He was the sole whatever earner The qualifier didn't hesitate to impose himself on him. Having a dog was an issue because the Uncle already had dog issues So the qualifier simply palmed the dog off on me.
Impecunious would be an understatement. He simply abandoned her. According to him the dog was the love of his life. Some love. He didn't hesitate to dump her off. Commitment wave curious concept to him.
The qualifier is needless to say still out there I am very grateful that al anon helped me to leave him.
I am also grateful that I gave his dog a very happy life for a number of years.
I continue to take inventory of issues related to that relationship
That relationship was and stil is a huge turning point in my recovery . Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Tuesday 29th of June 2021 02:50:10 PM
Tough decision and great post..so honest and open....All I can say with BOTH of my AH's (i was not in alanon for either, otherwise, things would have been different for sure) but for me, I just "married" familiarity...i grew up with it...it was my "sick comfort zone" now, looking back, I see how far I have come
and looking at ANY relationship now...I ask me ???s can I trust this friend??? are they a , for the most part, a blessing to me?? is relationship equally nourishing and healthy??? Mutual ??? Am I , for the most part, happy being their friend, partner, et all (I think this applies to any relationship)
If I find myself having to detach...having to avoid their "difficult moments" if they are high maintenence, more of a hassle then a blessing then I have to ask me "what am I doing with this person---what is the codependent (usually) pay off for me???? is it financial need?? is it my fear of being alone??? do i feel like I "owe" them???? I ask me stuff and step 10 is a great tool
AND I agree, verbal/emotional/psychological abuse can be as life threatening in that it takes a person down, sucks the life out of them, programms them for self sabotaging behavior, can drive them to drink, themselves, or over eat or do other "comfort"stuff that is not good for them, or they can have a breakdown...so yea, ANY abuse is not acceptable to me anymore...those days are over with
the more I love and accept me, the Higher the price to enter my heart and my life...I value me now...and if a person is more toxic then not??? I am OUTTA here
& 