Having Difficulty With Family Gathering - Al-Anon Family Group

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Having Difficulty With Family Gathering

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{{Debb}}}}, I know the feeling of dreading family gatherings. I'll share a few things I have heard recommended, and some that I have done.

I know from experience that seeing our parents decline is very, very difficult even in the best of circumstances.

For me, having a plan A, B, and C reduces my stress.

Can you limit the amount of time you will stay there, and have a hotel to stay at, or agree in advance that you'll leave at a certain time? Or have your own transportation so you can slip away for a break, or leave earlier than others?

Can you have an Al-Anon friend's phone number, and slip away to call them when things get uncomfortable? Or have some Al-Anon literature and slip away to read it? Or some token to carry in your pocket, so when you touch it, you remember that "this too shall pass"?

Consider if you really have to go. Is it for your benefit, or to fulfill someone else's expectation? The year I skipped Christmas was very healing for me -- although it wasn't during a pandemic so I understand these times are different.

Can you reschedule the visit to a time when you're not already stressed with medical appointments?

It can also help to reframe how I view the troublesome people in my life -- to see them as sick, not bad -- to empathize with what made them the way they are -- to realize that whatever they say is not about me -- but in all honesty it took me a lot of step work and time to get to this point, so if you don't feel you are there yet, please don't beat yourself up. These things are hard, but in my experience, just knowing I have options is a big help.

Please know you are not alone in this!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

{{Freetime}}

Thank you so much!!!

I can honestly reframe my view of my Mother, she is a very troubled being and I needed to hear what you recommended!!

I can carry a pair of pearl rosaries that I made, that bring me great comfort. I just have to find a way to deal with AH's

stress about driving there and being in her company. Those rosaries will come in handy for that too!!

I was thinking about tabling the visit, but it is my son's birthday too, actually it is his birthday of the day the visit is planned
and I do not want to disappointment him and also I haven't seen him or my grand-daughter in so so long. It is just having
to deal with my Mother!!

We can definitely limit the amount of time there, just impress on Mother that it is a difficult trip, especially in the dark.

Mother would never accept that those medical appointments are stressing me, she would get in my face and make a big
deal out of the issue, I would not even tell her I have them to begin with. She is so contrary and difficult to talk and deal
with.

Thank you again {{Freetime}}

SunnyFrogs · Senior Member

I haven't visited my mother in person in a really long time. We are working on building a relationship and for now phone calls& texts are do-able. I hope to eventually work up to face to face interaction. So I don't really have ESH to share.

But I do hope it goes good for you. I hope the physicals do too.

Daffodils · Senior Member

Hi Debb. That's quite a heavy load on your plate. I have no wise tips. Just know you are loved and supported. I will keep you in my prayers and trust the seasoned members will continue to offer helpful ideas. (HUGS)

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you SunnyFrogs and Daffodils for your support and well wishes!

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

{{Tiredtonite}} I am so sorry you and your partner had to experience such nastiness. Truly it make me sad that
family does that to one another. I too am glad that we have this MIP place to share, it takes a little bit of the
pain away to be able to talk it out on this board with each other.

I did call my Mother and explained that, although I am powering through my set backs, cause I was just in the
hospital a few weeks ago, I am still dealing with residual physical difficulties. Couple that with my yearly cancer
check ups and then add in the 2 hour trip, that it simply was to much stress for me right now. I need some
healing time. I have been meditating and trying to rest those injured chest and stomach muscles. It took about
an hour and she finally understood and only if I committed to an October visit. I spoke with my son after that for
about 15 minutes and he completely understood about everything, especially when I added the 2 hour trip to
his Nana's house. He laughed out loud and told be enough said!!

So I opted to remove the visit from my plate so that there is one less stressful event that I do not have to think
about.

Thank you MIP Family for listening, caring and advising.

Love you all!

-- Edited by Debb on Monday 14th of June 2021 07:52:53 PM

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{Debb}}}, I am so glad you found a way to put yourself first, and that your son completely understood. Thank you for sharing your self-care with us.

Just before I came here to read, I was feeling a little bit down -- but your post has uplifted me. Way to go!!

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb

I really have to watch the level of stress i am under

I think.carefully about.it

My health has always been.an issue.

Last year I encountere a strange electrolyte disorder that early On top.of that I had COVID for awhile as well. There are other major health issues that have become a major priority

I have my own annual physical. I.want to change medication

I think it is phenomenally new for me to.adress those issues

Having limits is powerful. I think.that s ready impressive.

Maresie

-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 14th of June 2021 09:12:05 PM

Girl58 · Member

Freetime, I so appreciate your response to Debb, and your good suggestions. I also have two family get-togethers coming up, and I am nervous and upset about them. Though I've been in Al Anon for nine years, I don't feel I have the tools yet to get through these things unscathed...In fact, it usually takes me a couple of weeks to get over them. It's so good to know none of us is alone in these inevitable challenging situations!

Girl58 · Member

Hi, Debb. LOL...I don't really have any constructive suggestions, so I'm just wishing you well.

Family visits and doctor appointments sound like a lot of stress...As it happens, I also have two family gatherings coming up, and an annual checkup after having had cancer.

I'm feeling upset and flummoxed and afraid I will "lose my program."

Know you are not alone, and that we're all rooting for you. Wishing you peace, and sending you all the best during this time.

-- Edited by Girl58 on Wednesday 16th of June 2021 03:34:51 PM

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you so much Girl58!! {{HUGS}}

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

Juky 4th is a big trigger for me. I am going to have to work on not being tripped into.places I no longer need to be

I also have an annual physical

Last year at this time I was really sick. I had an electrolyte imbalance.

I was bedridden for two weeks

This year has been much better. One of the key factors was not living with an alcoholic

Living with an alcoholic in some form is devastating to my health. The intrusions the chase the abject selfishness drives me into the ground.

I can no longer do that to my physical health

This year I want to make some changes. I have to get my doctor on board. That is easier said than done

This year my physical health is important to me. Last year I drove it into the ground

Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.