He didn't come home AGAIN - Al-Anon Family Group

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

He didn't come home AGAIN

gardengal · ~*Service Worker*~

First of all (((((hugs)))). Your feelings are not unique. Most of us who are living or have lived with addiction of any kind do feel this way. Our emotions become a constant roller coaster ride along with our lives. We love, we hate, we have undecisive moments constantly. It is "OK" to feel and let our feelings out in which ever way we feel is healthy or necessary for us. Addiction may it be alcoholism or drug addiction of a loved one contributes to broken dreams, promises, and continual pain and worry. A's lie, cheat, make promises they cannot keep, as the addiction is much stronger than the love we have to give. Our expectations is what makes us go crazy, expecting an addict to act like a non addict would. I hope you have a sponsor or an alanon friend you can call in these trying times, it does help one to ease our anxiety. Remember the 3 C's ,,,you did not cause it,,,you cannot control it,,,and you cannot cure it. Take care of yourself and your children first and foremost, and keep coming back!

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

((((QOD))))

I am so sorry this is effecting you this way. I am rather new at this but I don't see anything that says anger is not a valid emotion... just that blasting the A for acting like an A doesn't do any good.

You have every right to your emotions. Someone on here said they periodically scream at a empty chair and express all their anger and frustration to that chair. I am saving that one for the next time my AW explanes to me I was just fine before, and if I would do more for her she wouldn't have to drink so much.

Be good to yourself, don't feel guilty for being upset. You said you are too mad to use your program to deal with this, but your program worked for you by influencing your decision not to do anything emotionally damaging in front of your kids. That is wonderful!

Take care of you and know that you are in my prayers today!

Gailey · ~*Service Worker*~

{{{QOD}}}

My A is not my husband so when he doesn't come home I do not worry that much because he stays with friends.

I do, however, know about that anger you are feeling. It is just so hard to let go of. I really don't have alot of ESH. I just wanted you to know that I will and do pray every morning for everyone on these boards to be able to have some peace. I can just say what everyone else says and that is try to take care of yourself because that is the only way out.

Love...Gail

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((QOD)))

I so know what you are going through right now. I have been in that seeing "red" type of anger at my A more times than I can imagine. I've called him names, thought about all sorts of things I could to get back at him. I have with held love, sex, and money from him because of that anger and resentment. One thing I've learned, they know they've screwed up and when someone holds that mirror up to their faces they don't want to see the pain they've caused and cannot admit or take responsibility for it. The shame and guilt is intense which I have experienced that it comes out sideways for my A. He acts out that guilt and shame on me, blaming me so he can feel good about himself. It is so hard to swallow back the anger and shut up. I'm not that kind of person, I grew up in a home where verbally your head was ripped off and you were stripped to unbeleivable pile of crap in two seconds with my Dad's words.

Now, I go off by myself, clean, go on the back porch and pray and cry. I ask HP how do I deal with these feelings? I can't share this stuff with my family anymore because it has lead to more problems. Even certain friends are not accepting and do not understand the cycle of an addict. HP and you guys are what I have. I love my A, I hate the things he does.... I rage at the behavior and I'm really starting to understand that this disease controls him, his thoughts, reactions and behaviors. After I get to that point in my anger, I'm asking myself what do I need to be o.k. and do it. I have wasted countless hours and days on this man, staying angry and resentful to the point where I was so toxic I couldn't enjoy anything in my life. I can't go back there. I have to forgive and let it go, but first I have to feel it and validate it.

What do you need today to feel o.k.? What can you give yourself to feel like your feelings matter, you are well within right to feel that anger, feel it, don't stay with it too long. Don't let his behavior and choices screw up your day. Turn over his care if you can to HP, turn over the anger, and do something you enjoy for yourself. Take it easy.

(((Hugs)))

Twinmom~

QOD · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you everyone for your responses. My anger is subsiding....making way for "tears" that I cannot shed b/c I am at work. I am fighting them back with all my might. I am praying for the strength to get me through the next few months. Once I am on my own w/the kids, I know I will be much better. I feel this at my very core. I dream of it. I am not kidding myself about how hard it will be. I know it is hard to be a single parent....but better to be a single parent and actually single, then married to a man who cannot provide financial, emotional or physical support.

Thanks again for letting me vent. I am feeling a bit better.

Love to all,

QOD

jrtjosey · ~*Service Worker*~

My boys couldn't wait for it to be just the three of us again. Said we didn't need anyone else.

It's all in how you handle single parenting, we are a family, each with our own roles, no one is single or alone. We work together as a team!

Josey

Juster · Veteran Member

QOD

I am sorry that you are having to suffer with this. I doubt that many of us do not go through times when we become very angry with our A's instead of at their desease. My personality does not lend itself to anger very easily, and I would never touch another living creature in anger. However, inanimate objects should run and hide because when I finally lose it because of my A, some "thing" is probably going to get broken. I thank hp that this happens only very infrequently, but it does happen. Eventually I am able to return to some semblence of normal, but it takes a while. I then look back at what I did and see that my anger only hurt me, not anyone else. Anyway, am praying for your and which you the best.

Juster

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

((((QOD))))

You said

Isn't this just horrible & hateful & disgusting of me.

No it's human and normal. I understand anger very well. I went into therapy and came to Alanon within days of standing outside myself while I stabbed holes in my husband's drum set after finding he had stolen and sold some of my belongings AGAIN. <<< still have a bit of anger there. If I had been able to put out anger in smaller ways like venting here or even acknowledging I was angry I would not have lost it like that. I was horrified by what I had done at the time, now I look back and am a little proud it took years to push me to stand up for myself but now I do a little bit everyday.

I hope you are able to find some peace for yourself and your children. Take care of yourself.

Jennifer

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