The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is a focus on the power of detachment. The writer describes becoming pretty good at detaching from tense situations or arguments by removing him/herself from the scenario and reading some of the Alanon literature or responding to criticism with you may be right and using the slogan THINK, in order to help steer toward action instead of reaction. The writer then goes on to describe the difficulty in detaching from him/herself, instead being in the habit of reacting to emotions within. The writers sponsor the suggests trying something that would align the physical and mental states. It was suggested that the writer repeat, like a mantra. whatever the writer was doing at any given time (now I am washing the dishes, I am making the bed, I am walking to the mailbox) After some practice this helped to keep present and not get mired in old memories and hurts.
I have written about this several times but must repeat that I find the practice above very helpful. It is so easy to get lost in thoughts and stuck in old memories. Doing something physical- a chore or some type of exercise, and focusing on the physicality of the action has been a beneficial way to stay present.
Another thought about the importance of detachment comes from the Thought For the Day: Detachment helps families look at their situations realistically and objectively, thereby making intelligent decisions possible.
Mary
Thank you so much for this topic
One of my favorite ways to practice recovery is to read memoirs. In one I read this week the author had a. extraordinsry amount of detachment. Since he grew up extremely poor as I did I thought this was extremely impressive
The kind of people I look up to today are regulated. Theh have a control on their emotions and do not need urges to coegulatenthem. In essence being around someone who cannot regulate their emotions is like being around a child.
Of course since my qualifier was an alcoholic addict he could not regulate his emotions. I most cetainly paid for that. I also learned that I cannot help someone co regulate. For some people spilling out their emotions all over the place is one way they manage in life. They do not see anything wrong with it
That being said in my new mission to be k ko re regulated and this more grounded in the present I have more skills to attain. My goal on life is to be self sufficient not dependent on others
When I first came into the program I found detachment very hard. That is because I was completely dysregulated. I have complex PTSD so dysregulation is a big part of that.
I cannot wait until I become even more regulated. What a great goal!!
Good morning MIP. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. Unintentionally, my BR (Before Recovery) mode was to overthink, over-complicate and over analyze. This applied to everything - from simple chores to relationships, which are naturally complicated for most.
Detaching gives me the ability to remove myself (physically or emotionally). In recovery, I have learned that I always have choices and I've opted to be happy vs. be right - a huge shift for me. This means, for me, that no matter how incredibly far-fetched, insane or unrealistic another's view or plan is, I can step aside, stay present and choose to do what's right for me.
For me, the present is the sanest, calmest place for me. The past and the future both present opportunities for me to return to prior coping mechanisms. They did not work then nor were they the healthiest. It's my daily goal to hold onto my serenity and sanity and detaching is but one way to achieve this.
I go out of my way to avoid chaos and drama; many others seek it out and/or welcome it openly. When I can't totally avoid 'it', my favorite go to is the abbreviated Serenity Prayer - Bless Them; Change Me...I can repeat this over and over in my head and it works like a charm for me.
I'm pitting cherries this morning and will be putting little white balls this afternoon. Make it a great day all - find and keep your joy!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
As I stop being in denial about just how much AH's disease is progressing I know I must detach even more.
I used to consider completely ignoring him and giving him the silent treatment as detaching. Thanks to this program I've learned otherwise.
Have a good day everyone.
I plan on doing some things today that I enjoy. AH doesn't seem to like it when I detach and do my own thing. That means I will have to amp up all my tools/skills I've been learning here. Grateful for this program and the ability to learn new ways.
-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Sunday 6th of June 2021 08:47:47 AM
Mary I love your post and I thank you for your service and you know for me, I have complex PTSD where I often zone out and go someplace else and I am not in my body and not in the present but I am slowly learning new habits by doing what your post said about I am washing the dishes and I feel the hot water on my hands, or if I am in the yard cleaning up the dog poop I narrate to myself what I am doing which is what I just got through doing a few moments ago, cleaning the yard or if I am brushing their teeth I will describe how I am brushing their teeth and how it looks all sudsy in their mouth and that they are getting better at tolerating it and I describe in detail what I am doing and it forces me to be totally in sync with my body and my mind and my emotions and it does work. It is slowly working with me where I am paying better attention and I am more in my body and grounded than I am not. Yay program
I appreciate all whom have shared above. It is through you that I continue to learn.
Detachment ended up meaning different things as my journey progressed. They all seemed to help in those moments. I really identified with TT's share of "magical thinking."
Today, I think I use the tool of detachment as a way of staying out of the realm of Magical Thinking.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Detaching was indeed very very very difficult for me when Infirst came into the program
Now detaching is far less difficult
Detaching gives me the ability to think
ahead and strategize
When I came into this program I felt incredibly powerless and dysregulated
Through this program and intense study of complex PTSD (which I have from a a absolutely brutal childhood) and therapy I have come to another place
Now I can make healthy choices and be self sufficient (insist worked a 12 hour shift)
I can have personal power. Incan be triumphant (I was a very dependent person now I am an independent person) I don't have to fall in life and stay down. I can get up and make new choices. Every day is a new beginning.
In essence the more enlightened I become the more humble I become because of course my peers do not recover.
Now I have the opportunity to dream and plan a d envision a new future rather than more of the same
What an opportunity
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Monday 7th of June 2021 01:28:28 PM
I used to think that detaching Was a cut and dry or black and white thingin that if someone was not a match for me, I would toss the whole relationshipnow I know that detaching means I can just either distance myself from the person or I can maybe not discuss areas of contention, if the relationship gives me some joy and it has good points to it I can just Take what I like and leave the rest. Before I got deeper into recovery though it was either black and white north or south Now I see differently in that detachment only means staying in my own lane and living and letting them live either with me or without me it doesnt matter but what does matter is that I accept that I can not control anyone or anything other than me
Thanks Mary. And y'all.
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