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Hi all. In recent months I've not attended my F2F group because my Q has no drivers license and my kid had an activity that required me to drive him to/from, and thus miss my meeting. I was literally about to ask a person in my group to be my sponsor, but now I've been away from meetings and I've since learned she has moved away. It was a very small group to begin with (average 6 people showed up) and while there were three other people who were Long time members, I just didn't feel like they would be the best fit for me. (The others were very new to recovery.)
I really like F2F meeting and so I was thinking I should get a sponsor from that group.
But now I'm wondering if I should just find someone online.
Those of you with sponsors, or who Are sponsors to online people, do you find any advantage or disadvantage?
Very nice share and you know what? Since I had a sponsor betray me in probably one of the worst ways you can, I am gun shy about sponsors but I have recovery partners and we sometimes we do the email thing with each other or we do zoom meetings or chats whatever you want to call it but we share and care with each other and ESH each other and its working fine for me. So it doesnt necessarily have to be a sponsor, whats worked for me is just recovery partners and it can be online or zoom, face-to-face is really cool but if that is not a possibility, Im doing great with email and zoom with my recovery partners. I have a couple of women that I am very close to and they both work their program and we Share and care
I just do what works for me. I guess at first I sort of treaded water and waited and experimented and recovery partners have worked great for me. Please take what you like and leave the rest and I hope you can find somebody soon because its really cool to have at least one person you can really open up to and still be loved and accepted As my partners do with me
-- Edited by mamalioness on Friday 4th of June 2021 09:50:56 PM
Fedora - great discussion. Truly, as with most things in recovery, there is no perfect way to seek a sponsor. I am old school so feel, for my program and progress, I need a sponsor in real life vs. online. I am fortunate that I live in an area where recovery is wide-spread, and do know many others do not have that available.
I do have a group of trusted friends in recovery as well and we talk all day, every day via text. It's a safe place to share/ask for ESH in lieu of a formal meeting. We include recovery and non-recovery dialogue/discussion and it is not intended to replace the sponsor experience. Yet, if one can't reach a sponsor (we all have our own), it can certainly be a Plan B.
I need another person who keeps me in check. It was/is my own way of thinking - self - that got me to recovery. I know that when I return to the 'go it alone' or 'my way program recovery', it typically ends with a bit of insanity and more. Again, this is just my own experience and may/may not match others.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Fedora, so glad you are looking for a sponsor. Sponsors have been a miracle in my life.
My first sponsor I met in my first F2F group, and we would meet at a coffee shop to go over my steps. This was an amazing experience.
My current sponsor, I first met in F2F meetings, but when I decided I wanted a sponsor and asked her, the pandemic was underway, so we started meeting on Zoom -- and I can call her on the phone any time if I need to. It works great for me. It's like, I know she is a "real person" because we have met in real life, but now we have the convenience of meeting by video chat.
Best wishes on finding your sponsor -- and remember, it does not have to be forever. It can be just one day at a time.
Hi! I think experimentation and exploration is what I did when my sponsor broke my heart, I just experimented and chatted with other people and I came up with the recovery partners and to say that that has been a blessing is an understatement. Whatever works is what it is The thing to do and trust me,
I have my recovery partners, both of whom hold me accountable when I am not working my program I get the ESH and the suggestion of what step or slogan I may be missing so this is not a cookie cutter thing here. What works for me may not work for you or it may. You just dont know.
That is why for me, I explored and researched and chatted with trusted people and I just kind of fell into a blessing where I have two beautiful recovery partners, actually three if I want to include my BFF and I should because she has been sober since 1985 but the other two I communicate with more because my BFF does a lot of social work in her community just as a volunteer but trust me, when I am not in sync with the program and I am straying outside The guard rails of either adult children or Al-Anon of which I am a happy member of both, I am held accountable in a loving and positive way and I cannot thank my higher power enough for these Beautiful recovery partners and I hope I help them as much as they have helped me.
What ever you do, your higher power will guide you and help you when you are in the quiet and breathing and letting your higher power put input, you will be guided to what is the best thing for you. It took some bumps and some grinds for me to find my right Place as far as working with others on a personal level to work the program. When people Who are not in the program, relatives or friends or clients or whatever even my church friends tell me how much I am changing for the better. That is testimony right there that my working with recovery partners has helped me immensely and I have no intentions of changing. But that is me.
You will find which is best for you. I think this is great that you are reaching out and asking. And when we reach out and ask, our answers come to us in the most unexpected ways as it did for me LOL. I hope you find exactly what you are looking for and what you are needing to get into those higher places in recovery. Sending you lots of support and encouragement and this is a very great post I am sure a lot of people are questioning the same thing as to what do they do in regards to sponsors or whatever.
I am not against having a sponsor. I think a good one is worth their weight in gold but I also think good recovery partners are worth their weight in gold as well. Its just what feels right and what is moving me forward and what is helping me change for the better, that is the path I need to stick to
I hope a lot of people weigh in on your post so you can explore and find the right way to go. Blessings and please take what you like and leave the rest
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of June 2021 06:09:25 PM
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of June 2021 06:13:20 PM
Virtual meetings and recovery is incredibly useful. First of all you will meet oeople in the same situation you are in. Secondly you will meet and see s diverse range of program. So that would mean you get a sense of what will work for you.
Having a sponsor is a about being open to suggestions.
Many.pf ua in this group were sponsored virtually.
Universally that experience was fantastic. I met people who were serious, firm and motivated
I would highly.recommend virtual sponsorship
A sponsor is different from a recovery partner
In al anon we use boundaries. It is not a one size firs all program. Roles do not morph and change from minute to minute
Sponsorship is acknowledging someone else has more time in the program
Sponsorship has a different feel than any other relationship.
For many of us having no boundaries was a real issue .
Therefore having a sponsor with ckearly defined roles
For many of us in al anon we get to watch roles very very carefully
I most definitely have been the person everyone can count on
That is eternally available.
.I had to stop being that person.
No one here in al anon holds you accountable. They make suggestions. When I came to al anon I was resistent to.the suggestions
Then instated to consider them
In AA in particular the role of sponsor is a reverent one. Certainly being in #fellowship# is part of the program
I would highly recommend the formal role of having a sponsor. Virtual works very very well
If you look at past posts on this board reference to a sponsor are positive, they are rooted in the steps. Theh are also rooted in formal roles and structures
I have no doubt that but the time that Lois came to design al anon she had had plenty of amorphous one size meets al relationships
In so many ways so anon is all about having boundaries. Boundaries means you know who you are in a point in time. You have a clear idea who you are at every step in the way
When I go to work I have a chain of command. I have a clear set of boundaries
I hope you will choose to work a formal program. Every day I am.more and more impressed by those who have worked a formal program
I am also of course more and more drawn to persons who have clear boundaries who know who they are st each point in time.
In Al anon the focus being on finding peole who have moved through the steps a d benefited from them. Learning how to hav clear boundaries is one of them.
I am glad you reached out on this extremely important topic
Boundaries are naturally a truly critical topic for me. Anyone who has been abused who is in recovery eventually gets to the point of carefully examining boundaries. Every day I am in awe of how AA was out together. Susan Cheever who wrote the definitive book on both Bill W and out cherished founder Lois steed #Bill W was not a perfect man but he was the perfect man to design AA #
The same goes for our founder who.after all spent decades living with an active alcoholic, lived homeless and broke for decades deed and endured much before she designed al anon
When in doubt thunj what would Lois do. Lois came up with the idea of sponsorship. That was because Lois was meticulous about boundaries
Being meticulous about boundaries is indeed one of the hallmarks of recovery
It looks like you have a lot to digest. I remember my first sponsor who was a man by the way which is not recommended but I happen to end up with him its a long story that I dont care to share right now but I ended up with a man sponsor and he was great. I really loved him to death and I think about him to this day. He ended up finding a wife in Al-Anon meetings and moved away and we sort of drifted apart. So I have had both: sponsors and recovery partners. And both, with the exception of that one who betrayed me, both have served me well in working the steps and I had no clue what boundaries were until later on in the game when I hooked up with my still recovery partner and she taught me about boundaries. We work together on a regular basis, we work the steps we work on everything that is recovery oriented
I am a triple, 12 stepper in that I am a recovering adult child of alcoholic and dysfunctional families, I am also codependent recovering, and also a recovering Alanon. I mostly attend the ACA and the Alanon. Sadly we dont have any meetings within drivable distance but if there is a zoom meeting going on or a phone meeting going on, those also are good to attend. They have worked for me. Online chat meetings I go to quite a bit.
I am glad you brought this topic up because I am wondering how many new folks are wondering the same thing. I know that the blessings and lessons and growth that I have experienced has been through caring and sharing with my partners whom I can trust with just about anything. I cant think of anything that I cannot exchange with either one of them. I am so blessed in that area.
So whatever you do, I wish you the absolute best luck and I thank you for this thread because I am sure other people who are new to recovery are wondering the same thing. I just got done chatting on the phone with one of my recovery partners and she addressed with me kind of a report card type thing on my working step three. I am the newest of the recovery partners. I have two of them that are very active with me and they are old timers and they you can see by there behavior and their dedication to the program and the steps and the slogans and everything that is suggested, I can see their dedication and they are helping me big time. step three has been my biggest struggle but I am getting better and I am progressing. I guess the bottom line is we can talk all night about what works for us and that is good for you to have a something to investigate and I know you will find what works for you because your higher power will lovingly open the right path.
Be it a sponsor or recovery partners, I wish you the absolute greatest luck in your search.
You take care and may your higher power be right there to prompt you where are you need to go
if my posts sound like I am more for this than I am for that like my successes with recovery partners, I did not mean to impose on you what works for me It May or may not work for you. I advocate Recovery and I am serious about the steps and the slogans and working the literature and applying what I learned. Whether its a sponsor or a recovery partner or more than one recovery partner, I hope I dont look like I am trying to influence you one way or the other.
I think I kept the focus on me and what works for me and I asked you to take what you like and leave the rest because that is what I do. I just share my ESH from a sincere heart and then let the other decide what is best for them. I have long forgiven the sponsor who betrayed me, she became ill with cancer after my co moderator and I asked her to leave our group, she got cancer and we both supported her and we told her we for gave her which is a good thing because when she passed, the other lady and I were not encumbered with resentments or unfinished business.
Though I did not want to be friends with someone who betrayed me, I did make it clear that I for gave her and that I would pray with her while she struggled with her end-of-life situation. Just because one sponsor betrayed me that does not mean that sponsors are not trustworthy. There are safe people and there are unsafe people and it doesnt matter what title they have, it just is what it is and I just use observation and thought and I watch do their actions match their words and are they consistent with their dedication to their program and its precepts.
As a matter of fact, may she rest in peace, my beloved Betty was sort of a part-time sponsor for me up until she got so sick and even then she reached out to me. So there are good and safe people like our dear Betty and there are people who are not and I just rely on my higher power and my training but mostly my higher power to guide me who is safe and who is not safe
peace be to you
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of June 2021 09:40:11 PM
I realize this is Alanon but I'm in both Alanon and AA and in the Big book, in one of the forewords, they talk about the difference between onine meetings vs f2f meetings and that really it's just the venue. I think it actually says that modem to modem or face to face we speak the language of the heart in all its power and simplicity. Same goes for sponsorship I think. Some people might say you can't hug an online sponsor but with all the covid restrictions these days you can't hug a face to face one either. I would say there are many advantages to having an oline sponsor in that you can meet more easily. I have a face to face sponsor by the way. But some of the people I sponsor are online and some are face to face and when it comes down to it, there's no difference for me.
Nice to hear Betty being mentioned. I always loved her shares and respected her take on things.
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Not all my days are priceless, but none of them are worthless, anymore.
Aloha Family...went past this issue and wasn't gonna come back to it and then after doing other stuff on the computer with this subject in the back of my mind I stopped the other stuff and and came back of what I have learned since 2/8/79 when I first really got here. Sponsorship was a threat to me and my ego. I had to admit that I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know what alcoholism and the diseases of addiction had done to my life and the lives of my families.
Read the awareness statements on what alcoholism is as I did and get real about this disease and what it can and will do to us and our loved ones and families.
My first attempt for sponsorship was with a woman and believe me I knew what I was doing. I was leveraging her against myself and after a while she fired me. "Men on men and women on women" and though she fired me she also set me up to meet a man she knew well in Al-Anon. I didn't like him so much and attempted leveraging against my ego also. Didn't work as it was thru HP no supposed to. These two Al-Anoners loved the new comers deeply, counting me and put me to work on and in the program. It caused me pain for the first string of months and I found Jerry F heading for the garbage truck.
The statement that our disease if life threatening and kills caused me to give up my fight against others in the program that really were moving toward earning and having a live regardless if their qualifiers were getting healthy. Mine wasn't and I wasn't and my male sponsor put me to work, "Get to know as much as you can about the disease and we will compare that to our steps". I didn't like it but the promise that I could loose my life whether "she" did or didn't was scary. His name was Don.T so I stopped fooling around and went to work which included college education about drug and alcohol addiction and my imagination alone would not get the job done.
My first sponsor kept checking up on me and my male sponsor kept me working and my HP could be heard cheering in the back ground.
Had I not put more serious concern about my life in front of me I would have never been a member of MIP.
I needed a Face to Face Live sponsor period.
This journey has been my life time and I am grateful to take it for real, for certain. Ever spoken with a member who's chances were less than certain and/or who would rather do less than sit face to face with you and listen to your ESH? That was me and then it isn't now.
My sponsor could read my face and expressions and I couldn't, wouldn't try to pull one over on him....Even his name was Don.T _dont_
Keep coming back for your life and the lives of others. (((((hugs)))))
I think it is great to consider working a program with a sf sponsor.
I have a absolutely no bad feelings to any.of my former sponsors
My expectations of others have moved to a more real level
Perhaps that is because I have been working throughout this pandemic
I am currently waiting for one of my jobs to return
That will happen in a month or so
In the meantime I continue being entirely self reliant
I rely on no one to help regulate my moods. I can't say that had always been possible. However after massive effort it has been. Maresie
