Good morning.

It took me a long time to stop the expectations-resentment cycle with my A kids. That arrived from the pain I was inflicting upon myself by doing so.

I still struggle when it comes to AH. Since I am married,of course there's gonna be expectations. And yes, it does cause resentment when those are not met.

I'm not quite to the point where I am willing to accept the same for/from him as I do my kids.

I don't think I want to do that tbh. Not yet. Maybe because if/when I do I know that's when my marriage will truly be over. That might sound a bit dramatic but this is not how I want to live my life. Sure,I can detach,ignore,never poke the bear by watching everything I say and do. I can learn to accept and deal with never being able to count on him. I can spend the rest of my life working this program and working so hard for peace and serenity. I can do so many things,have so many tools available to help myself.

But the big question is whether it's even worth it.

I will always be expecting good things within this relationship. Things that I will never receive. I don't think it's wrong to expect honesty,kindness,etc.

I don't think it's ok to work so hard to find ways to not react to unkindness,dishonesty, verbal abuse,etc. I don't think it's ok to work so hard to overlook unhappiness.

What kind of life is that?

I think I need to spend more time working on myself and what I need and want and obtaining them. Too much of my time is spent just trying to avoid reacting,or arguments. It feels so good when I don't  react but there has to be more to life than just getting through the day without a fight.

Sorry if this sounds like I'm just venting. Maybe I am. I'm just real tired of waking up in the mornings and having to immediately begin working so hard around an unwell,unreasonable person. I expect to wake up and have someone in my bed that I'm happy to be with,happy to see,to hear some kind words now and then.

If there shouldn't be any expectations in marriage then what's the point.

Have a good day. Obviously I need to get out of this mindset and change the course of my day.

-- Edited by SunnyFrogs on Tuesday 1st of June 2021 08:09:43 AM

Paul, thank you for your service and ESH. I can totally relate to what SunnyFrogs wrotethat used to be me. But time in this program has allowed me to mostly free myself from expecting things from my A I will never get. I also am fully aware that I, as does my A, can leave this marriage if either of us so desires. It helps me greatly to know that many people choose to stay with their As, and there are many reasons people make that choice. I try not to judge others and hope I will not be judged. However, I can only control myself (on a good day!). My A and I have been together 29 years. My wise sponsor shared with me if her husband had any other major illness, would she leave him? I am able to support those who want to leave and also those who want to stay. RE: expectations, my first wise sponsor suggested I not have any of my A. Instead I will have expectations for myself. I will try to be the best person I can be.

I.can very much relate to the issue of wondering what the point is of practicing al anon skills especially when they did not transform my relationship into something I found palatable. 

Certainly some of us grow up with idealized expectations of relationships.  Naturally since I got almost none of my relationships met in my family of origin. Indeed in my family neglect was commonplace. The neglect was extremely difficult to define. My family were certainly poor but the neglect went far beyond poverty. My sisters were encouraged to fight for whatever few crumbs there were to scavenge. My elder systw became a consummate bully in that regard. That physical abuse is still something I deal with to this say 

 

When I first got into al anon I really was pretty upset about the notion of not arguing with the alcoholic. After all I was right. However when I stopped participating in the argument many good things happened for me 

 

I wish I lived in a world where even a small portion of my needs were met. However I live in the real world with some nasty co workers. Al anon would have helped me immeairabky in not participating in the #under tow# problems that are part of many work places. 

 

When I have had to deal with several government entities in the past few months I have had to have a great deal of patience. 

The pandemic has increased the amount of red tape immeasurably 

 

As a result of my childhood I did indeed have a pretty idealized view of romantic relationships. I most certainly wanted to be rescued.  To a certain extend a number of my relationships have involved some semblance of rescue. That is rescue on both sides. While that idea holds a lot of meaning in practice it set up expectations that were unrealistic. 

Indeed I found a great deal of meaning in helping others and in working out ways to be a giving reassuring partner. The issue  was that the effort and the passion were not reciprocal 

My qualifier was indeed passionate about many issues in his life but being a partner was not one of them. In fact he seemed to go out of his way to dismiss my needs on an ongoing basis. 

 

Therefore my childhood which was almost completely barren of any form of mirroring, love and attention set me up to have dysfunctional relationships.  Indeed it set me up to walk on eggshells and believe that I had to ge extremely furtive about getting any needs Met.   Indeed in my household having any sense of contentment was met with fierce jealousy by my siblings. That rivalry continued into adulthood. It was very difficult to give up that rivalry as an adult there was an intense emotional charge associated with it 

So for me certainly at many times in al anon there was always a question of what were all these tools good for. It turns out that they were an excellent way to self regulate. Then in turn it became a way to revise my expectations and set limits on my perfectionism. After that I then began to identify the chasm of unmet needs that had never been addressed 

Furthermore in time I came to appreciate just what a hold that alcohol and drugs had on th e qualifier and other people I know. While it helped some of them to function their means of getting their needs Met by manipulation, guilt, demanding and sulking is primitive. The fact that I responded to those #demands# said much about my own emotional poverty 

 

Of course none of this program is easy.  Facing himself is indeed extremely painful but I have to say that facing myself rather than trying to solve someone else's issues is far more productive. 

 

Maresie 

 

 

 

{{SunnyFrogs}}

Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. Every day, multiple times a day, I am reminded (gently and not so, at times) that what I value is probably/possibly not what others value. Also, a lifetime has shown me over and over again that even when I an another both value kindness, honesty, etc. -- we define it differently! I would like to say that I am always able to practice the pause, respond vs. react, with complete grace/kindness, etc. This is just not so - tons of improvement in recovery yet - I am still perfectly imperfect.

I tend to get upset and personalize when others don't speak kindly, or snap at me with a response. Until I have 'perfected' my own side of the street, I don't believe I have the right/willingness to stand in judgement of others. More often than not, when I am short or sharp with another, they've done nothing wrong - it's built up frustration misplaced by me. And yet, in spite of knowing my humanisms, I still get upset when others show theirs.

The only expectation I have always and carry with me always is that people will let me down, over and over again. It's not that I'm a target or it's intended, it's just that they, like me, are perfectly imperfect. It is wrong for me to treat myself with kindness, forgive my shortcomings, accept progress vs. perfection and then expect more from others - it's not just wrong, it's a bit of my insanity.

I am best able to stay in the middle of my boat when I practice unconditional acceptance and unconditional love. As soon as I put conditions/expectations into my relationships, things change - rarely for the better. Life presents me with enough challenges - why on Earth do I want to make it harder by being unrealistic in how I relate to others?

Happy Tuesday all....started my morning with golf and have to run some errands. I wanted to stop by and get my 'daily fix' of MIP! Love and light...

Jerry, your post was fantastic I love what you said about ego in that it means easing God out. Boy that has me so many times but I have to admit that at least now I catch it better and I just stop and back off and breeze until my HP Im sorry and that I am casting this burden whatever it is that I am trying to control cast the burden onto my higher power and I go free problem solved. And then do gratitude

(((((((SunnyFrogs)))))))))