The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Replacing fear with faith. What a powerful concept.
I have never thought myself a fearful person. However, today I realize that fear debilitates me. I suppose I have always thought of fear as physical danger and I am grateful that I am not and have never been in any physical danger with the A in my life. So, I never really looked beyond that. Worry, projection... yes, these are things that I could recognize, but the reality is that I am fearful. I can conjure up every scenario possible in my mind, (and thensome) From there I fear the absolute worse and go head first into protecting myself from that and reacting to it. Long story short, I am right back where I started, insanity.
So, this week I began to have some awareness of these things and did the only thing that I am capapble of right now, which was to reach out to the program. I chair a f2f in my area and chose this as my topic. Heard so much ESH and was really glad that I put it out there. The thing I heard over and over was there is not room for both FEAR and FAITH, I had to make a choice which one to have. Well, lo and behold, that brings me back to steps 1,2, and 3 and another huge issue for me CONTROL. Oh, the way this program works, simple, it really is all there, I just have to be willing to work it.
Some awarenesses I have gotten:
1. The fear I have of my AH relapsing is only partly due to his own relapse history and behavior patterns, another contributing factor is that that is what I grew up with, a father who drank, when asked if I thought he would be home or out at the bar, I always said out, he always was. We carry our childhood into our adulthood. I had a father who never let me down when it came to whether or not he'd be drinking, late, not come home.... he was consistent at least. I protected myself by never letting my guard down, always assuming that he would be out drinking, late, not come home... he never failed me. I carry that today.
2. When I look at my fears and I project, I do not have to give up the projection so to speak. But I do not have to allow it to debilitate or control me or my choices. I have a HP who loves me, will provide for me and will not let me down, if I allow Him in. Although I may not want that worse case scenario to happen, how bad is it really. I will not go without, I will not be homeless, I will not be hungry. I will be exactly where I am supposed to be, when I am supposed to be there.
3. Even if I do have to go to that "worst place", how awful will it be? I will survive it, I will be stronger for it. The God of my understanding will not give me more to carry than I can, and when it gets to be too much, He will be right by my side to help me carry it. (If I allow Him in, and even if I don't, He is a loving, caring, compassionate God who chose me, created me in his likeness and will not let me fall)
4. I have a choice...FEAR or FAITH...., that in itself is pretty powerful to me, for a short time ago, I felt as though there were no choices, I was doomed, my life was doomed...CHOICE what a powerful word, what a powerful concept.
Thank you to you all for your support, encouragement, love and guidance...I am a better person for having you all in my life..
Lynn, Oh how I needed to read your post today. A few months ago prior to the program and having alot of faith in my HP to help me, I was in constant fear. When my son first left his wife and children all I could think about was "what am I going to do if he never gets recovery"...(my father never got it and died at 52) I would tell myself that my life, the life that I wanted, would never be. I would be spending the rest of it worrying about him and trying to find ways to make him stop drinking. Praise God and this program...today he is still drinking, don't know if he will ever stop but I am not living in that gloom and doom that I thought I would be in. Just for today (and that is all I really have) I am ok with where he is. I have compassion for him but it is no longer paralyzing me. I don't need to sit around my house and think about him all the time. Whatever he does has absolutely nothing to do with me and I pray that I will not feel any guil for any crap he gets mixed up in.
So thank you for letting me open up this board and read your post.
Faith. As each day passes becomes more and more a part to me, of me. Just for me. If I feel "fear starting to grow within me, of coming at me from others actions or intent ... " I have learned, I learn each day (one day at a time lol) that I am able to much more quickly .... turn to my Faith. To stop... and Focus on my HIGHER POWER/ on God and on Myself. Keep my Faith strong... by turning the fears over to my HP/God. To focus on the steps of this program, and gently attending to my own self care. Great Share, thanks so much for the post! (((((BigHug))))
As each day passes becomes more and more a part to me, of me. Just for me. If I feel "fear starting to grow within me, of coming at me from others actions or intent ... 
" I have learned, I learn each day (one day at a time lol) that I am able to much more quickly .... turn to my Faith.
To stop... and Focus on my HIGHER POWER/ on God and on Myself. 
Keep my Faith strong... by turning the fears over to my HP/God. To focus on the steps of this program, and gently attending to my own self care. Great Share, thanks so much for the post! 
(((((Big
Hug))))