The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In the beginning it was a knowledged that what kept the alcoholic sober was going to meetings
Certainly for me dealing with numerous qualifiers but one truly sociopathic one before I came into these rooms I had to trust that al anon might work for me
I am not sure I would have survived without that faith and the belief others had that I would recover. I certainly felt it was impossible.
For me indeed the 6th step was about being ready to remove my.defects. For me many of those defects felt like I didn't ask for. As a consequence of my childhood I was indeed be angry,grief stricken,resentful and dysregulated. Moreover I had reason to be dysregulated because my life was so incredibly difficult on every level
Most certainly I had plenty to.deal with. However if I wanted to navigate through life having those defects was not exactly helpful and were certainly an obstruction .
When I first came on board the program I could not imagine even being able to list my resentments. Having been so victimized I resented everything avd felt that everyone of them was justified.
I most certainly was living in the drama triangle of Rescue resentment, projected abuser for a very long time. Indeed many of my relationships revolved around those themes. Furthermore I remarked very much to those who wanted to assign me a role from those themes. In particular rescuing was really alluring to me. That role fulfilled many of my needs for connection. I had no.concept of what healthy looked like.
In the last few months in particular I can see how much.of my behavior and affinities held me back
This afternoon I saw one of my neighbors who has been extremely ill. In the past year I have gone out of my way to help him in many ways. Recently I emailed his counselor to say that I felt he had to be unwell because I had not seen him. Today it was very clear to me that he has very little time left .
I know both myself and my neighbors were extremely generous to him. Moreover I know in the past few months he had been very happy partly as a result of that assistance.
Therefore I know that I did my best to be a good neighbor to him. I cant say the same for some of my peers. They really are incredibly selfish on so many levels
I know my neighbors time is very limited I am glad his last few months have been ones of contentment
I cant say that I have been in that place with many other people although there are certain people who I have been able to say goodbye to without difficulty.
Some of my neighbors are particularly generous others are some of the most selfish people I have ever had occasion to meet with. Indeed they are beyond selfish because no one else exists outside of their bubble
I know who I identify with.
I know I did the best I could for my friend and neighbor despite my problems which were certainly many. Those problems are still an issue today
He is dying a natural death because of long standing illness. The same can not be said for those who are consumed b substance abuse.
With some people there is an opportunity to be open about the fact they are dying. For others there is not .
The main issue for me is that I have been able to be caring and loving to my neighbor without intruding
Boundaries are important because all people have left when they are dying is their dignity
That is one reason why I am willing to let go of many of my defects so that I can have dignity and integrity. I no longer have to be regretful because I know how to manage myself with integrity . Moreover since I am able to manage my emotions. I am sad that my friend and neighbor is so sick but his illness is normal. He is beset with may different illnesses and he has had good medical care.
I am glad that I had a chance to make his life better for him without any expectation or recognition. I will most certainly be acknowledging my immediate neighbors kindness to our friend but I doubt anyone else will because they are simply too self involved to be capable of empathy.
For some people integrity is not a goal. They can affect it but their entire being is about how and when they can manipulate others for their own ends. Every communication is to get what they want at any cost.
How relieved I am that I am ready and willing to let go of those character traits that no longer serve me.
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Tuesday 25th of May 2021 07:42:38 AM
Thank you so much Maresie for sharing your Step 6 work and hope that your neighbor continues to find their peace.
I am sharing my Step 6 work, if you and the MIP family would like to see how I worked it.
What keeps me from becoming entirely ready for God to remove my defects? My fear of losing control, of not having confidence that I am making the right decisions and feeling hurt and disappointed when AH becomes verbally abusive towards me.
What behaviors they helped me in the past now hindered my progress? The one behavior that I am really working on is my resentment and/or sarcasm toward my AH, that he continually binge drinks especially on the week-ends and kinda ruins them for me. I am working on those behaviors as they arise and continually remind myself when they do arise that I am not doing myself any favors by feeling this way. That those feelings are holding my progress back!
The one thing I have learned to do and it has been a game changer is I release my resentments to my HP.
How do I know when Im entirely ready? When I no longer hold any resentment at all and I am there now.
How can step six help me to let go of obsessive thinking and enjoy the present moment? By realizing, and I do realize, that Alcoholism is a disease that is out of my control and the results of AH's drinking is only the disease talking, that I should feel compassion for his addiction and never take his verbal put downs personally. Abuse is another story, I have learned to stand up for my rights and draw the line when his verbal abuse becomes to loud and hurtful. I have learned to stand up and the right time, not when he is drinking. I have also learned to avoid places, times and discussions that are his triggers, that has been another game changer to end the gaslighting and chaos.
How has my pain led me to be willing to let go and let God? I believe that HP has always watched out for me, the Al-Anon protocol just reinforced by belief in that. It is easy for me to talk to HP and listen for the guidance.
In what ways has isolation to be trapped in my character defects? Isolation was my way of hiding what I thought was the bad person AH said I was. Al-Anon showed me that what AH was saying to me was the chaos of the disease!! The isolation was equal to my lack of confidence and fears of failure which made me into a difficult person to be with because it put me on the defensive all the time. I can feel that I am much more relaxed and self confident, with a much broader understanding the alcoholism and greater patience in general with myself and others.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
What an amazing break-down of Step 6... thanks Maresie... 
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