The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my core issues with the qualifier was his impulsivity. He reacted constantly. He was barely able to contain his emotions
There is a long list of things he did that brought chaos to my life:
1) Quit jobs
2) Lost jobs
3) spent money (lots of it)
4) Had car accidents (I lost count)
5) Stormed out and did not come out for days
6) started projects on the apartment bever finished them
7) made promises he did not keep
The list is long
I am at a point in a long process where I can make some changes in my life. I got to the point after a lot of planning and step by step negotiable actions. Waiting on some of those actions to come through has been beyond hard.
I have my own share of impulsivity which I have had to address. That impulsivity has cost me certain friendships that were very dear to me. It cost me emotionally and was a huge issue financially.
I am having to address that one reason I tolerated impulsivity in the qualifier was that I had my own share of impulsivity
The price for that behavior was very very high
I know people who are dysregulated who lash out at others and will not acknowledge it. When they get dysregulated they don't even know it because it is such a familiar state. Then when someone sets limits with them the gloves come off.
Dysregulation seems to be a chronic habit with them that does not feel uncomfortable.
I go out of my way to avoid such people. I go out of my way to not engage with them. That is not because I am above dysregulation. I am just not willing to take the brunt for other people's dysregulation any more
I do not believe it is judgment. It is self preservation. Self preservation is not something I had before now
Self preservation is the nucleus of having a secure base.
My own impulsivity had to be examined and grieved. That is an onerous task
Just because I have been impulsive in the past does not mean I have to bear the brunt for other people's impulsivity. In view those who are impulsive who act out, who lash out as completely untrustworthy and irresponsible to the max. That was and still is the qualifier.
I think what I am also having to address is that many people (but not all) who abuse substances are impulsive.
The irony is of course that as I increase my #window of tolerance# of what I need to address that my tolerance for bad behavior is less. I was such a people pleaser that I wanted to be liked more than I liked myself
Great share Maresie. On term I see often- around the topic of trauma- is Grrrrr!!! -impulse control-
... I have a lot more to say about this, ma'am. But good
...