One of my core automatic self destructive patterns was envy 

My reaction to much of life was to envy others. In particular  I most certainly envied the Qualifier. Since they were in a place of numbing themselves I certainly envied their lack of pain. Of course since they took substances they were merely shutting the pain out.  There is no doubt under those substances there is immense pain. 

Everyone around me was part of this practice of intense envy.

In the past few months  I have worked religiously on not comparing my life to others. I have recognized that my feelings or rather projections about other people's lives are projections. 

The practice of not comparing myself to others is very beneficial. I give then the benefit of waiting. I give then the room to be who they are rather than what I think they should be.  That is a very new practice for me. 

I am of course lucky enough to have people around me who will discuss boundaries and correct assumptions 

I did not have that before.  I had no room for such relationships.  

My relationships did not involve that 

I am of course on some level missing feeling aggrieved. 

Then I meet someone like a person I came across yesterday who felt they were an expert on vaccination. They felt they knew how many people had been vaccinated.

One of the places I have worked recently has been a large vaccination center where thousands of people are vaccinated daily.  (Part of the Joy's of being an essential worker having to work daily) .  Rather than feel the need t ok persuade them otherwise I did not challenge their expertise. 

 These new practices for me are very innovative. My therapist is very helpful in learning how to let go. 

One of my basic practices is to meditate. I had a meditation teacher (a couple)  I spent many years going to their workshops.  I never really felt I measured up.  One of the couple died 5 years ago. The woman who is a dear kind person  recently shared how very loved  she felt in that marriage.   Normally that kind of comment would result in intense envy for me. I have most certainly never felt really loved and cared for in a relationship.  Instead I can acknowledge that they must certainly had a very loving relationship. 

For me this ability to have emotional space between myself and others has been tremendously helpful 

The decision to do that was made put of great pain.  I could not imagine that it would bring much benefit but it has. 

My life remains challenging.  I have many many challenges. Some of my goals have tremendous barriers 

I may not be able to transcend those barriers. 

Nevertheless I am still committed 

I am interested to hear how other people have dealt with the envy issue.  Character defects are in a whole class of their own 

Maresie