The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you for your service and ESH Debb. I initially did come to alanon to change my A but soon learned that is not the purpose or focus. It felt disappointing at first but I didn't see any other options except to give program a try. These ideas and principles about not bashing nor judging my A, took quite a while to sink in and then for me to put into practice. But I do see the wisdom and the progress of using these tools. I've come out of my own pit of darkness into the light, and my A is working with an OA sponsor and making some progress finally. It really does work when I work it. :)
Good Morning Debb. Thank you for further clarification on what is acceptable to share in Al-Anon. I had become lonely and sick keeping secrets about what my life was truly like that I overstepped in talking about my AH. I learned to develop limits by not airing dirty laundry to friends and thought Al-Anon was the place. I am slowly accepting that sharing about AH's misbehaviours keeps the focus on him. Fortunately, I have stabilized enough not to give up and stay open to growth/change. I will temper my desire to rant at times and take actions suggested by members. I admit there's an internal struggle on this topic (my need to control?) and trust that post lockdown, I can access other supports in addition to Al-Anon. Thanks for your patience. This board has kept me sane and has been a lifeline to serenity. Have a wonderful day.
Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I too came wanting a fix for my A. I too was disappointed, even angry that instead it was suggested I focus on me, that I was as sick as they and that I could choose to recover if I wanted to work for it.
I've said it before, and it's worth repeating - my denial had it's own level of denial. I truly thought that I was healthy, well and grounded and those around me were the cause of my misery. It was much easier to blame and shame them that to look at me, how I contributed, how I overreacted, personalized insanity, etc.
It's taken me a long while of self-reflection and self-focus to rise above the denial and see my part in all this. It has helped greatly to focus on the disease concept, and practice unconditional love and acceptance. I know now that each time my thoughts turn to what another is/is not doing, I'm freely and willingly giving away my power and serenity. A simple change to focusing on me, my feelings, reactions/responses helps me get back to solid footing emotionally.
I can say that my life and my home dynamics have improved greatly and I am the only one in recovery. That doesn't mean I am the only one changing as we are all constantly changing. It just means I've been able to carve out a space where I better understand boundaries, detaching, etc. One saving grace for me was being able to separate my needs from my wants. My needs are truly simple - it's my wants that lead to disappointment, sadness, etc. Gratitude can carry me a long, long way in my days, my life and my recovery.
Happy Thursday all - golfed in league this morning and golfing with my nephew this afternoon. I'm looking forward to a day off tomorrow!! Make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
...we had this reading at our F2F last night. Usually we read from all three readers- if we get time.
We are talking about getting along to our district assembly on Saturday week.
Betty said to me something I have heard often:- mean what you say, and say what you mean- but don't say it mean.
I have been to the USA three times. The last time was a sort of mercy mission when our kid brother passed away.
But before that we stayed 8 weeks. My MIL passed in NZ over that time- a completely different scenario.
But I was interested in pursuing "The American Dream". The Scots Irish who travelled the trackless waste in pursuit of a better life. With the King James version of the holy bible.
Hosts of other peoples crossed the trackless waste too- with their own beliefs and their own tracts.
My hometown Alanon group collapsed overnight.
I was the GR, the first time I had held this post in 30 years. But I was not chairing the meeting.
I read all three readers- but Hope For Today, probably the key one for me.
I asked, at the meeting, if we could read from Hope For Today, from time to time.
I was told no- because it wasn't conference approved.
I did not want to disrupt the meeting there and then- and asked for a conscience meeting to discuss that further.
I was told that if I called a conscience meeting that the women in the group would vote against me.
This situation mirrors exactly the situation I faced at home at age 17. I was an A student, doing well. I was kicked out of home- basically when I stuck up for my kid sister. It was gut wrenching.
I am always deadly scared that history will repeat itself- and I will end up living and dying on the streets.
This is my ESH. I believe that the ODAT May 6 reading provides a really good guideline.
I believe strongly and emphatically that in Alanon we should keep the focus on ourselves.
However I believe that Tradition 4 applies as well. To an extent each group with develop it's own group conscience and culture.
And this applies to this group as well. Equally as well.
Progress not perfection.
We often lacked the capacity to learn in our family situation.
In order to learn we may need the opportunity to makes mistakes- from time to time.
Both at a personal level, and a group level
When Betty was around we discussed the difference between a business meeting and a conscience meeting.
Both were directed towards group unity- but they both served different purposes.
In our 12 Concepts of Service concepts 3, 4 and 5 apply particularly at all levels.
For me Concept 4 applies as a pivot to the other two.
Taking one aspect of our group life- a little out of context- may compromise the harmony we all desperately need.
My ESH.
-- Edited by DavidG on Thursday 6th of May 2021 02:53:37 PM
Good evening everyone. I'm not sure how many days it's been since I have posted. I have been down with some kind of flu bug or something.
When I read the topic title it made me think of a thread I started about 16 months ago,about wanting to contact AH's doctor about him abusing his pain meds, which I did end up doing but that's beside the point. Thinking about that,I can see just how much progress I've made . But I can also see how easily I slip back into old ways if I don't consciously practice what I'm learning.
Being sick all week has been a learning experience. I was in bed most of the time, sleeping, watching TV and just completely focusing on myself and my own wellness. I wasn't thinking about or worrying about what AH was or wasn't doing. He was kind to me and helpful and I appreciated it. Other than being sick, things were good.
Yesterday though,I felt well enough to go back to my normal routine. Unfortunately that included paying attention to what AH was doing,and not doing. We ended up in an argument and I had myself so worked up that I started not feeling well again and had to go back to bed.
Allowing myself to get caught up in an A's actions and behaviors and not focusing on myself makes me feel much sicker than the flu bug I've had. That was an eye opener for sure.
Thank you for your service and the share Debb. I came to Alanon of my own volition and probably thanks to the 12th step work of others. Undoubtedly that was divine intervention as I had no knowledge of 12 step programmes despite 3 preceding generations of the family disease if not more. Yet the hands of recovery were always around in small enough doses to make me think there may be another way as yet unknown. At a young age I happened to move into a house accross the street from an organisation devoted purely to this side of the fence. I think I was lucky to get that kind of in-depth counselling and sponsoring into alanon and also later AA. The focus was always on self. As an ACOA that too came naturally, because like many ACOA I had and probably always will have a very heightened sense of responsibility. Some decade and a bit later, alcoholism had again broken me into an exhausted and mad creature after marrying into the disease. That was incredibly hard for me because of my own almighty brain which simply refused to beleive I had fallen for this trickery. I may be in some slight denial but I ont think I ever actively enabled my then husband. Except for being there as a good looking seemingly put together woman. That in itself lent an appearance of normality thst did not in reality exist behind closed doors. I needed a place to start comparing what was real and what was alcoholism to gain perspective. I will always be grateful to the members of alanon who were kind and reached me from a place of understanding which only comes from lived experience. It is not my place to deny another their recovery process, for like that newcomer and every other 12 step member, i did not come through the doors because i was a well person. I came through because I was a sick person. That is a key understanding for me personally.
Thank You Deb, for giving me the opportunity of looking back at what got me to Al-Anon and how I got there.
Looking back on it, and seeing God's Hands in it as well, I can see how very grateful that I am. At that time, I became very unwell, I knew that I was on the verge of another Emotional Breakdown, and I didn't really want to go there again. I had had AA and Al-Anon in mt life before that, but I had forgotten about it. But God had worked His Magic and place people in my life that knew someone in Al-Anon, and spoke to me about them.
This was my 2nd Marriage to and Alcoholic, when I realized that I was so upset, and felt guilty that I had gone and done it again. I did speak to the Al-Anon person, and because I was desperate, I went. At that time I was so full of pain, anger, and hate, I didn't care if my Husband knew I was going to the Meetings,I was going for me, to stop me from having another breakdown. But being so angry, I use to say,' Why do I have to come here, I don't have the problem." After going for awhile, I soon found out who had some problems, and it was me.
That was a bit of a shock to me, but I stayed, and worked my butt off. The results started to sink in, and I started to feel better about myself. I started to see how the program worked if I worked it. I started to live my life, not anyone else's. I wanted so much to get better, but I knew I had to do it for me, not anyone else. Because I was a Mother, I didn't want to be the Best Mother, I wanted to be a better Mother. As I started to see what my behaviour did, and was like, I started to see my part in all of it.
After many, many years of working my program, and learning about myself and life in general, I am so very grateful that I took that first step, and kept taking it afterwards. I use to say, that God looked down on me, and said," I have had enough of you, you are getting Help." The other thought being, that He knew I had a lot of confidence in Him, but not in myself. Also reading, "I have been given the greatest gift of all, Recovery, so what are you going to do with it".
Have a Great Week end, and Happy Mothers Day to all the Wonderful Mum's
Thanks, Debb, and y'all...
My ESH.